Listening

I am trying to listen.

I want to hear.

I want to know.

I cannot shake the feeling that God is speaking to me. And for the life of me, I cannot seem to hear what it is He is trying to say to me.

Mary Grace once said something to me that she probably has long forgotten, but it has stuck with me for the past four years since she said it. It was when I was really searching God out (or He was searching for me, or both…) and feeling called to Christianity – but I was paralyzed by the fear of doing the wrong thing.

I was terrified to make the WRONG choice.

In my family, there seemed to be so many rules set up around how to believe and what to do for God. At that time, I really felt like if I went to a church, if I called God by the wrong name, if I did anything that wasn’t “just right” than He would reject me due to my own lack of understanding. My own wrongness, for lack of a better word.

Well, by this time Mary Grace and I were already pretty close friends and I went to her with these thoughts. I explained that I was praying constantly and wanting so badly for God to tell me what He wanted me to do. I wanted to know His “rules” for me, without the clutter in my mind of all the “family” rules for Him.

Mary Grace was quiet for just a moment before she responded. I remember that for some reason. And when she did, I was struck speechless (not a common thing for me, by the way).

Then she asked me, “But have you ever stopped to listen for His answer?”

Wow. Now, I admit that I am not the most stunningly intelligent person in the world, but I’m a pretty smart cookie. But to hear that calm, quiet, simple and obvious reply, well, I was just taken aback.

The answer you see, was “No.”

Praying, I was good at. Talking to God, that I had down. (Talking in general I'm pretty good at - but I digress) I asked question after question. Sheesh, I must have seemed like a tiresome 5 year old to God at times, always a new question, always wanting to know answers, even to things that really were none of my concern.

But listening? Truthfully, the thought had never before occurred to me.

But seriously. How on earth could I hear His answers to any of my questions when my entire brain was filled with the clutter of my own worries and thoughts?

Well, I won’t go into great detail, but that same day as I drove the twenty-odd minutes to the grocery store with my then three and one year old boys, I asked the Question that had been on my heart clearly and concisely one last time. Then I told God I’d not ask anything else, and I worked as hard as I possibly could to clear my mind of all the questions and clutter bouncing around in there. And then I waited.

And you know what? I had the most clear and perfect answer from God before I even hit the city limits of the town where our grocery store is. By the time I pulled into the parking lot, I was holding back tears and beaming a smile of sheer love and awe up the My Father in Heaven. I knew then and there that I was His child, and that He loved me – and that all He asked in return was that I love him back.

I do not throw this word around much – but the only way to describe it is to say that it was truly and awesome experience.

So, why do I throw all this old news out there at you? After all it was more than four years ago. I guess I just wanted to bring clarity to my struggles to listen. Still, after four years of following Christ’s lead in my life, of seeking His will first and of growing, changing, maturing, hurting, rejoicing, loving, living in Him… STILL I struggle to really hear His voice. Still I get so caught up in my own questions, my own busy little details, that I somehow don’t always leave room for God, Yahweh, the creator of heaven and earth, to tell me what it is He wants me to hear.

So as I sat down this evening to fold a couple of loads of laundry before heading up for the night, I was overcome with a weight that I cannot quite describe. I felt burdened, weary, worried and insufficient. So as I always do in moments like that, I began to pray.

And that’s when Mary Grace’s sage advice from years ago came flooding back to me. I know it well, and have revisited it more than a few times over the years. But it hit me like a ton of bricks this evening. As I sat there folding all those precious little articles of clothing that those I hold dearest to my heart fill each day, I felt the clutter closing in around me as I asked and asked and ASKED of the Lord all that I wanted to know.

Then her words rang clear in my head, and I stopped, and told God that I was sorry, and worked to clear away the clutter – trying oh-so-hard not to ask any more of Him as I did so. And then I just waited.

Well, I can’t say I got as clear of an answer as the one given to me on that glorious car ride. But a funny thing did happen. I couldn’t shake the tune in my head of a worship song from Church yesterday. It’s not even a song I am particularly drawn to, but there it was.

No great profound revelation. No amazing clarity. Just a simple song of praise.

La la, la-dee-da-dee-dah dah… My God is mighty to save, He is mighty to saaaaave…

So that’s all I got.

And really, it wasn’t until I sat down here to put it all in words that I really realized that maybe, just maybe, He was calling me back to the point. Back to that day in the car. Back to another song that first brought me to Him as a daughter to a Father. Maybe, He just wanted to remind me that in all that happens each day - through all the sick boys (poor Goose) and all the teething girls and all the happy smiles and busy chores and school schedules and serving and classes and friends and husbands and shopping and planning and cooking and researching and praying and reading – I still need to make time for just plain old LOVING HIM.

So it’s back to the basics for me, I guess. Time for me to seek Him out and Love him, praise Him, worship Him. I think it’s time to turn on the Christian radio stations again during the day and just be brought back to a place of just Loving him. I mean, I always love Him. But how much time in my day to I actually devote to just Him, and Him alone?

Sadly, not nearly enough.

So. There you go. I am still struggling to keep clear the clutter and to hear His whispers to me. But tonight, I am actually pretty excited to run upstairs and sit in bed and think of a few of my favorite praise songs. And I am just going to sing my heart out to the One who has loved me better than anyone else ever has or ever will.

Man, am I glad that God is patient with me. Sometimes I feel as dumb as a brick. But thankfully He is always willing to wait for the fog to clear and for me to hear His voice calling me.

Thank you Lord, for speaking to me in that gentle, loving way that You know soothes my heart. Thank you for leaving the harsh admonitions behind, the ones that I most surely deserve but that you still do not burden me with. I ask only to be a parent to my children in the same, gentle and loving way that you are to me.

Amen.