It's working!

So I know many homeschoolers are in full school swing by this point in August, but we here are just starting to get slowly back into the groove. My biggest goal for the weeks I consider "warm up time" is to see what kind of daily schedule I can work out for us all.

I want to fit in the basic, and mostly independent, school stuff for Punky and have been trying out a few different methods to see how he can best know what he needs to accomplish during this time on his own in the day. So far, though we've had some days when he is clearly not all there and plugged in (he is a seven year old boy - I would expect no less!), he seems to be getting the hang of just setting to work and getting his independent work done quickly and efficiently, with much less tendency to be distracted than when we started.

During this time when he is productively occupied, I am also trying to figure out how I can best use my time elsewhere. Should that be a time to get all my household duties done? Would that make a good pre-k time for Finny and Goose? Should I make it a mommy-daughter time with Girly Pie before she has her nap? I'm not sure yet... but since GP's nap is in transition from two medium naps a day to one longer one, she's still not a concrete person to count on at any particular time in the day yet, so I am leaning towards chores or pre-k time.

I also want to make a time in the day (hopefully while GP is asleep) when I can dive into the fun stuff with P and F. We'll be doing some unit studies, though I do not want to make them super-duper academic. I want that part of our schooling to be fun, exciting, mentally stimulating but not overly taxing - and really the part of the day we all look forward to the most. So having one less distracting little one around is a good fit for that. That will be the time when we do related crafts, science experiments and any bigger games or activities involved with our topic of study. I might also do the reading on the topic then, but I'm not sure.

And of course I need to make sure I'm available every two hours to be heading up the OT exercise for Finny, so I'll need to fine tune what the others are doing during those short but important times when he and I work together. Distraction is particularly hard for Finny to work through, so I am learning way s to have others occupied so he and I can find those 5-10 minute times to just focus on our work (it's harder than it sounds in a house with four young children to keep the other three from distracting one in particular)

The other key to our new days is learning how to keep everyone directed, even when I am not personally involved with each of their activities. I am learning the art of assigning and rotating activities for all three boys - even just fun, simple stuff like Duplos, playdough, blocks and magnets. Instead of letting them roam freely in between set work times, choosing those same activites or others as they please, I want to have more of the day structured where they are focused on specific kinds of activities, though still mostly playing (since they are still so young!). The focus and direction is mainly for Finny, since his therapist has encouraged me to minimize his completely free-range time, as he tends to lose his self regulating ability when left to his own devices for more than a few minutes. This new kind of directing and rotation is not really my natural approach to things, so it's been a bit of a slow learning curve, but I am finding fruit in it for all of us, and as I get more accustomed to it, I think it will suit us well over the coming years.

So all this to say I have a lot to finagle into our days, and that's really not even including basics like meals, most household work, one-on-one time with any of the kids... and many other very important things. But it's a good start, and we're finding some ways that work - and some ways that don't!

But today, it really went beautifully for the morning, even though we got off on a late start. We had a false wake at 4:40 from Miss Girly Pie and though we all fell back asleep, we were slow moving when we did wake up. Then our aging dog surprised us with a nice smelly mess in his kennel this morning, so among other things, we just had a lot to do before we could really get moving this morning. So I was sure all the school/schedule stuff was going to be a wash this morning. But Punky, though late to start, cruised right through his independent work with not a lick of help needed from me, Goose happily spent his free time playing nicely with Finny, and I was able to finish the morning work later than usual and to put GP down for nap, again later than usual. But when I came down from GP's nap routine, I found Punky sitting at the work table diligently plodding away at his math book, and right across from him was happy, "just right engine" Finny, who had decided this looked like the perfect time to pull out his reading lesson and begin going through it on his own.

Normally we do that together, and it is not something I am at all looking to have him do independently. (what's the point of homeschooling if I can't even be the one to sit down and watch my kids learn to read!?) But I was just so tickled to see that with all the effort I've been putting into our mornings, it seems the idea of working and staying on task with productive efforts seems to be setting in. The fact that instead of coming down from the nap routine to find Punky distracted by Finny's play time with Goose, I found Finny drawn into the quiet table time. I guess it's time to find at least one or two kindergarten-ish workbooks so that Finny can have something to do for his own "work" time, since he clearly would like something of that nature to call his own.

And that is something I hope to see more of in the coming years, though I know there will still be many a day (month, year...) of finding the workers distracted by the players, I do hope that we will see more and more of the players joining in on the more directed learning experience.

So it is working. My children are learning routines and self direction. They still have plenty of time to play in the day, and much of their directed time is still spent in just doing simple activities that they enjoy, with none of the three R's covered through the process. But they are learning something through it all.

And so am I!

Listening

I am trying to listen.

I want to hear.

I want to know.

I cannot shake the feeling that God is speaking to me. And for the life of me, I cannot seem to hear what it is He is trying to say to me.

Mary Grace once said something to me that she probably has long forgotten, but it has stuck with me for the past four years since she said it. It was when I was really searching God out (or He was searching for me, or both…) and feeling called to Christianity – but I was paralyzed by the fear of doing the wrong thing.

I was terrified to make the WRONG choice.

In my family, there seemed to be so many rules set up around how to believe and what to do for God. At that time, I really felt like if I went to a church, if I called God by the wrong name, if I did anything that wasn’t “just right” than He would reject me due to my own lack of understanding. My own wrongness, for lack of a better word.

Well, by this time Mary Grace and I were already pretty close friends and I went to her with these thoughts. I explained that I was praying constantly and wanting so badly for God to tell me what He wanted me to do. I wanted to know His “rules” for me, without the clutter in my mind of all the “family” rules for Him.

Mary Grace was quiet for just a moment before she responded. I remember that for some reason. And when she did, I was struck speechless (not a common thing for me, by the way).

Then she asked me, “But have you ever stopped to listen for His answer?”

Wow. Now, I admit that I am not the most stunningly intelligent person in the world, but I’m a pretty smart cookie. But to hear that calm, quiet, simple and obvious reply, well, I was just taken aback.

The answer you see, was “No.”

Praying, I was good at. Talking to God, that I had down. (Talking in general I'm pretty good at - but I digress) I asked question after question. Sheesh, I must have seemed like a tiresome 5 year old to God at times, always a new question, always wanting to know answers, even to things that really were none of my concern.

But listening? Truthfully, the thought had never before occurred to me.

But seriously. How on earth could I hear His answers to any of my questions when my entire brain was filled with the clutter of my own worries and thoughts?

Well, I won’t go into great detail, but that same day as I drove the twenty-odd minutes to the grocery store with my then three and one year old boys, I asked the Question that had been on my heart clearly and concisely one last time. Then I told God I’d not ask anything else, and I worked as hard as I possibly could to clear my mind of all the questions and clutter bouncing around in there. And then I waited.

And you know what? I had the most clear and perfect answer from God before I even hit the city limits of the town where our grocery store is. By the time I pulled into the parking lot, I was holding back tears and beaming a smile of sheer love and awe up the My Father in Heaven. I knew then and there that I was His child, and that He loved me – and that all He asked in return was that I love him back.

I do not throw this word around much – but the only way to describe it is to say that it was truly and awesome experience.

So, why do I throw all this old news out there at you? After all it was more than four years ago. I guess I just wanted to bring clarity to my struggles to listen. Still, after four years of following Christ’s lead in my life, of seeking His will first and of growing, changing, maturing, hurting, rejoicing, loving, living in Him… STILL I struggle to really hear His voice. Still I get so caught up in my own questions, my own busy little details, that I somehow don’t always leave room for God, Yahweh, the creator of heaven and earth, to tell me what it is He wants me to hear.

So as I sat down this evening to fold a couple of loads of laundry before heading up for the night, I was overcome with a weight that I cannot quite describe. I felt burdened, weary, worried and insufficient. So as I always do in moments like that, I began to pray.

And that’s when Mary Grace’s sage advice from years ago came flooding back to me. I know it well, and have revisited it more than a few times over the years. But it hit me like a ton of bricks this evening. As I sat there folding all those precious little articles of clothing that those I hold dearest to my heart fill each day, I felt the clutter closing in around me as I asked and asked and ASKED of the Lord all that I wanted to know.

Then her words rang clear in my head, and I stopped, and told God that I was sorry, and worked to clear away the clutter – trying oh-so-hard not to ask any more of Him as I did so. And then I just waited.

Well, I can’t say I got as clear of an answer as the one given to me on that glorious car ride. But a funny thing did happen. I couldn’t shake the tune in my head of a worship song from Church yesterday. It’s not even a song I am particularly drawn to, but there it was.

No great profound revelation. No amazing clarity. Just a simple song of praise.

La la, la-dee-da-dee-dah dah… My God is mighty to save, He is mighty to saaaaave…

So that’s all I got.

And really, it wasn’t until I sat down here to put it all in words that I really realized that maybe, just maybe, He was calling me back to the point. Back to that day in the car. Back to another song that first brought me to Him as a daughter to a Father. Maybe, He just wanted to remind me that in all that happens each day - through all the sick boys (poor Goose) and all the teething girls and all the happy smiles and busy chores and school schedules and serving and classes and friends and husbands and shopping and planning and cooking and researching and praying and reading – I still need to make time for just plain old LOVING HIM.

So it’s back to the basics for me, I guess. Time for me to seek Him out and Love him, praise Him, worship Him. I think it’s time to turn on the Christian radio stations again during the day and just be brought back to a place of just Loving him. I mean, I always love Him. But how much time in my day to I actually devote to just Him, and Him alone?

Sadly, not nearly enough.

So. There you go. I am still struggling to keep clear the clutter and to hear His whispers to me. But tonight, I am actually pretty excited to run upstairs and sit in bed and think of a few of my favorite praise songs. And I am just going to sing my heart out to the One who has loved me better than anyone else ever has or ever will.

Man, am I glad that God is patient with me. Sometimes I feel as dumb as a brick. But thankfully He is always willing to wait for the fog to clear and for me to hear His voice calling me.

Thank you Lord, for speaking to me in that gentle, loving way that You know soothes my heart. Thank you for leaving the harsh admonitions behind, the ones that I most surely deserve but that you still do not burden me with. I ask only to be a parent to my children in the same, gentle and loving way that you are to me.

Amen.