Happy (belated) 8th Birthday Finny!

My sweet Finny is 8 now.

Not quite sure how it can possibly have been that long since I held him in my arms for the first time. How can you remember such a moment so clearly no matter how long ago it happened?

Each birthday that I celebrate with each of my children I find myself resolving to cherish each moment even more. I want to really be present for every.single.second.

Otherwise, I really will blink, and one day, it will all be over...

Delightful, curious, creative, artistic, loving, brave, determined, handsome, capable, confident, humble... Finny is all these things and more.

Happy birthday a day late, Sweet One. I was just a little too busy making your big day wonderful yesterday to post your birthday note on your actual birthday - a trade off I think was wise to make. I love you. Thank you for more memories in 8 years than I ever dreamed possible when I first held you. And I can only imagine what will come in the years ahead.

We must be doing SOMEthing right...

There are definitely times as the mother of 5 (almost 6!) young children when I feel like somehow we are doing our kids a disservice by raising them in such a large family.

Most days I know it's all a good, beautiful thing. Most days (almost all days, really) I delight in watching them grow, learn and love together. I know that though they give up a few things, they gain so much that it's all the right thing. And besides all that, it's all been God's plan and not mine, so I know it can't be wrong. But when wading knee deep through the culture around us (no matter how hard I try to avoid it altogether) I do still see all of the smaller families and hear about all the one-on-one activities they do, and the opportunities available to children with only one or two siblings - and I have my moments of guilt. Not doubt so much, just guilt that our children will someday feel they missed out on something due to the big family.

But today I was delighted by a glaring reminder that for all they may be missing out on, our children really are gaining so much by being raised in and among so many other blessings.

This afternoon was Finny's 7 year well child check. And since I had so many questions regarding his allergy and sensory issues, and since my sweet Hubby was working from home and was available, I was able to take him alone to his appointment.

The appointment itself was mostly uneventful. Finny's still 50% on weight and 75% on height - same as always practically since birth. He's still got some issues with skin and behavior, but no real answers. Food stuff might help out a bit, but no magic cures there. His last remaining ear tube is concerning so I should call his ear, nose and throat specialist to see about surgery to have it removed. Nothing huge or shocking - all things I expected to hear.

But as part of the appointment with older children the doctors like to ask them a few thoughtful questions, I suppose to gauge their development intellectually and socially. The first two were fun to listen to Finny's answers - about what he was good at and what he was not so good at. But I was surprised by the third question, and delighted by Finny's answer.

Doc: "Finny, if you could have one wish, and you could ask for anything in the world - what would you wish for?"

(I sat there a little surprised myself and quite curious as to what his response would be - a new bike? A pool? A puppy? To end his allergy diet and eat anything he wanted? I waited with baited breath to hear, but I didn't have to wait long, as he answered without hesitation)

Finny: "A baby sister. 'Cuz I only have one sister."

Seriously. Of all the things in the whole wide world he could ask for - he asks for a baby sister. How sweet is that!?

So apparently at least one of my elder children is not too terribly put-out by the addition of a new sibling every year or two. I guess God knew just what He was doing after all when He planned our family out. Which I already knew, of course. ;o)

(and I'm pretty sure Finny will be delighted if it's a new brother on the way, too... though maybe that wish will become a fervent prayer at that point. Who knows?)

You know you've failed as a mother when...

...your six your asks you as he prepares for his shower, "Mom? Do I have to get new underwear? I JUST put these on yesterday."

He seemed totally perplexed, and quite annoyed really, to learn that underwear require daily changing.

I swear we've covered this subject at LEAST a dozen times. Apparently he was not much impressed by any one of those conversations.

Little Big Man

Tomorrow is the BIG DAY... Finny will be SIX YEARS OLD!!!

I can hardly believe my baby boy is turning six. He really has changed and matured so very much over this past year that I've been very aware of how much older he's getting. But still. Six?

I still remember the days when I was pregnant with Finny - a Momma to one little toddler guy. I would look at friends with "big" kids and think, "My kids will NEVER be that big. Five years olds are HUGE!" It just looked like it was a lifetime away for me, and I never thought I'd leave the safe, cozy nest of mothering young ones.

And truth be told, a good part of my parenting never has left that safe nest... I have always had a couple of young ones around to keep my there. But those first babies of mine have indeed grown. Now I'm the mom with the "big" kids. Not only is Finny turning six tomorrow, but Punky will be eight next month. Those kids were beyond my scope of reality way back when my mothering journey began. I could look at two and four year olds and grasp that I'd be there someday. But those seven and eight year olds? They were practically grown, as far as I was concerned. ;o)

But here I am, mother to four sweet souls, just about the meet the fifth little one God has chosen to bless us with. And now, today, six years old doesn't look so very big after all. Of course he seems so big compared to Girly Pie, but then I look at him at the dinner table, his head up over the table -barely. A young, young child. He can read and write and do great math calculations... and is still so blissfully ignorant of so many things that I can't help but smile through just about any conversation with the boy. He is still so full of the innocence and beauty of childhood. He's so big, but so little... and that's the thing I never could have known back when all I had were babies. The beauty that comes with seeing life through the eyes of a young child - not a toddler or even a preschooler, but truly a young child - is an amazing thing. I just never knew how blessed I could feel to look at someone and know haw far they've come, and to have some idea of how far they have yet to go. Each and every day is an eternity to my Finny - and I remember being that way myself. I don't know. I can't quite put it into words.

But Finny will be six tomorrow, and instead of really feeling like my little, little man is getting so very, very big, I sit here today on the eve of his big day and just feel joy and blessings galore to have known him for these six year, and I feel incredibly honored to be the mother God chose to walk along him in his journey through life. He is big, yes. But he is still so little. And I just love, love, LOVE seeing that played out in his life every single day.

So happy birthday Finny! I love you so very much, my Little Big Man.

(And I'll post a bunch of super cute Finny pictures later in the week!)

Love is patient, Love is kind...

Well after 5 solid days of high fevers, headaches, diarrhea and nausea, my sweet little Finny is finally on the mend. He came down with some nasty bug last Thursday, and was completely thrown for a loop until well into Monday afternoon. He'd flirt with low 100-101 temperatures for much of the daytimes, especially with ibuprofen running through his system, but every night he'd shoot right back up to the mid to high 103's, even measuring as high as 105. He ate next to nothing. He hardly left the couch. He sobbed through what must have been some really intense headaches for such a little man.

He was such a trooper and hardly complained at all. But by the time Tuesday morning rolled around and he wake fever free and finally ready to begin the recovery process, he was a wasted, broken little boy.

It's been a rough week this week. Honestly, with Finny, the recovery from illness is always harder on everyone (including him) than the sickness itself. He seems to do fine being wiped out, zonking on the couch with heavy doses of drinks in straw cups, videos, books and some coloring thrown in for fun. But come the day when he must rise from his stupor and actually accomplish anything whatsoever and it is as though the sky is falling every.single.time something doesn't go his way.

I know he physically cannot control himself in many ways. I know his little body struggles even on the best of days to maintain a sense of normalcy and balance that most of us take for granted. Sensory Processing Disorder is not something that he does on purpose just to make life difficult for himself and those he loves.

But can I just admit something here?

Man is it hard to maintain compassion and patience through a day (or two or three) of a five and a half year old boy whining, complaining, arguing, fussing, grumbling, withering, crying, whimpering and generally grumping through every single moment. I am thankful beyond words for my three other children who have been beyond patient and compassionate as they watch their brother fall to the floor in a heap of misery every time he has to, say, I don't know, choose a spoon to eat the pudding treat he should be thankful to be given. And I am thankful that I was blessed with enough patience and kindness to get through the day without just locking him in his room and putting earplugs in. But man, it took everything in me to not completely lose my cool with that boy. Actually, it took more than I had, which is where God stepped in and took over my own human will and weaknesses.

So I just wanted to vent that here. I love Finny more than I can say. He struggles, yes, but his struggles hit parts of my heart that I cannot even fathom being touched by anyone else. I ache to watch him suffer (and he has suffered more than all my other children combined in his short little life). But I just love him beyond reason. And yes, the past two days have been hard. I know he's lost a few pounds. I know he's weak and tired and his body has been thrown completely out of balance with the fevers and lack of nutrition over the many days of his very difficult flu. And I know that with patience, consistency, love and a whole lot of his OT exercises and some extra doses of sweetness on my part that we will see our sweet boy emerge again in a few days.

Sigh. But man, it's a stretch for me.

Thank you Lord. For Finny. For patience. For the grace You've shown me that has taught me how to show grace to others. For three other loving and patient children who know when to step back to let a brother in need get whatever it is he needs from me. And for the 12 hour break while he sleeps so I can ready myself (and You can fill me up with more of your grace and patience...) for yet another healthy day...

It's working!

So I know many homeschoolers are in full school swing by this point in August, but we here are just starting to get slowly back into the groove. My biggest goal for the weeks I consider "warm up time" is to see what kind of daily schedule I can work out for us all.

I want to fit in the basic, and mostly independent, school stuff for Punky and have been trying out a few different methods to see how he can best know what he needs to accomplish during this time on his own in the day. So far, though we've had some days when he is clearly not all there and plugged in (he is a seven year old boy - I would expect no less!), he seems to be getting the hang of just setting to work and getting his independent work done quickly and efficiently, with much less tendency to be distracted than when we started.

During this time when he is productively occupied, I am also trying to figure out how I can best use my time elsewhere. Should that be a time to get all my household duties done? Would that make a good pre-k time for Finny and Goose? Should I make it a mommy-daughter time with Girly Pie before she has her nap? I'm not sure yet... but since GP's nap is in transition from two medium naps a day to one longer one, she's still not a concrete person to count on at any particular time in the day yet, so I am leaning towards chores or pre-k time.

I also want to make a time in the day (hopefully while GP is asleep) when I can dive into the fun stuff with P and F. We'll be doing some unit studies, though I do not want to make them super-duper academic. I want that part of our schooling to be fun, exciting, mentally stimulating but not overly taxing - and really the part of the day we all look forward to the most. So having one less distracting little one around is a good fit for that. That will be the time when we do related crafts, science experiments and any bigger games or activities involved with our topic of study. I might also do the reading on the topic then, but I'm not sure.

And of course I need to make sure I'm available every two hours to be heading up the OT exercise for Finny, so I'll need to fine tune what the others are doing during those short but important times when he and I work together. Distraction is particularly hard for Finny to work through, so I am learning way s to have others occupied so he and I can find those 5-10 minute times to just focus on our work (it's harder than it sounds in a house with four young children to keep the other three from distracting one in particular)

The other key to our new days is learning how to keep everyone directed, even when I am not personally involved with each of their activities. I am learning the art of assigning and rotating activities for all three boys - even just fun, simple stuff like Duplos, playdough, blocks and magnets. Instead of letting them roam freely in between set work times, choosing those same activites or others as they please, I want to have more of the day structured where they are focused on specific kinds of activities, though still mostly playing (since they are still so young!). The focus and direction is mainly for Finny, since his therapist has encouraged me to minimize his completely free-range time, as he tends to lose his self regulating ability when left to his own devices for more than a few minutes. This new kind of directing and rotation is not really my natural approach to things, so it's been a bit of a slow learning curve, but I am finding fruit in it for all of us, and as I get more accustomed to it, I think it will suit us well over the coming years.

So all this to say I have a lot to finagle into our days, and that's really not even including basics like meals, most household work, one-on-one time with any of the kids... and many other very important things. But it's a good start, and we're finding some ways that work - and some ways that don't!

But today, it really went beautifully for the morning, even though we got off on a late start. We had a false wake at 4:40 from Miss Girly Pie and though we all fell back asleep, we were slow moving when we did wake up. Then our aging dog surprised us with a nice smelly mess in his kennel this morning, so among other things, we just had a lot to do before we could really get moving this morning. So I was sure all the school/schedule stuff was going to be a wash this morning. But Punky, though late to start, cruised right through his independent work with not a lick of help needed from me, Goose happily spent his free time playing nicely with Finny, and I was able to finish the morning work later than usual and to put GP down for nap, again later than usual. But when I came down from GP's nap routine, I found Punky sitting at the work table diligently plodding away at his math book, and right across from him was happy, "just right engine" Finny, who had decided this looked like the perfect time to pull out his reading lesson and begin going through it on his own.

Normally we do that together, and it is not something I am at all looking to have him do independently. (what's the point of homeschooling if I can't even be the one to sit down and watch my kids learn to read!?) But I was just so tickled to see that with all the effort I've been putting into our mornings, it seems the idea of working and staying on task with productive efforts seems to be setting in. The fact that instead of coming down from the nap routine to find Punky distracted by Finny's play time with Goose, I found Finny drawn into the quiet table time. I guess it's time to find at least one or two kindergarten-ish workbooks so that Finny can have something to do for his own "work" time, since he clearly would like something of that nature to call his own.

And that is something I hope to see more of in the coming years, though I know there will still be many a day (month, year...) of finding the workers distracted by the players, I do hope that we will see more and more of the players joining in on the more directed learning experience.

So it is working. My children are learning routines and self direction. They still have plenty of time to play in the day, and much of their directed time is still spent in just doing simple activities that they enjoy, with none of the three R's covered through the process. But they are learning something through it all.

And so am I!

That's a first...

We've lost plenty of teeth in this house.



In fact, this morning the 10th tooth of the family was lost. So it wasn't the actual losing of a tooth that got to me this time. It was the method by which said tooth was lost.



Today while I was making lunch Punky and Finny were upstairs in their room working on tidying up their Lego area. Finny came running downstairs full of excitement and anticipation to tell me about how his already loose tooth was suddenly REALLY loose. He had been taking apart a Lego creation and had used his teeth to pry apart a particularly stubborn piece. Of course I never allow them to pry Legos apart with their teeth. I've actually a purchased a nifty little tool made specifically for prying stubborn Legos apart just so that my children will not chip and crack their precious teeth. But when I'm not looking, apparently they just do it anyway...



But I digress...



So He asked if I could pull it the rest of the way and I told him it wasn't quite ready for that, but that I thought it would surely come out sometime this week.



I thought that was the end of it, as he happily went back upstairs to finish the Lego cleaning. But then I heard a wild stampeding of feet as someone came galloping across the upstairs hall and down the stairs into the kitchen where I was still working towards making lunch.

And there was Funny, smiling maniacally with a slight tinge of blood in his mouth and a tooth in his hand. He was so excited as he announced with a thrill, "Mom, Punky came up with this great idea and he got my tooth out!!!"

I was still trying to piece it all together as Punky came trotting up behind Finny to tell me in better detail what exactly had happened.

So apparently Punky's "brilliant" idea was that if a Lego had loosened the tooth to begin with, then surely that was a good tool to use to remove the tooth once and for all.

And so he happily presented this idea to his little brother, who trustingly allowed his big brother to wedge a long, thin Lego piece to his wiggly little tooth... and yank with all his might until the thing popped out.

Yes. My seven year old pried out my five year old's tooth with a Lego piece.

Ick. Ewwww. Talk about giving me the willies.

It is funny now in hindsight, to imagine Finny happily going along with his brother's genius plan of tooth removal. Now let me just state for the record that never in a million years would Punky let anyone near one of his loose teeth with a Lego in hand. Oh no. That boy starts crying at the mere thought of discomfort, let alone the actual real potential for pain.

But apparently he had no trouble whatsoever inflicting that kind of pain on his little brother. Nope. No trouble at all.

Finny admitted that yes, it did indeed hurt quite a bit when he did the actual yank. But as soon as the tooth was out, it didn't hurt anymore. So that's good, I guess.

So there you go. Yet another moment that I never saw coming in my years of mothering.

And just for the record... I did tell that that Legos were not an acceptable form of tooth removal in the future. Next time, just come ask Mommy for the floss and I'll let you try to tie the thing up and pull it out that way. I'm not sure why, but it's somehow much less creepy.

But hey, A+ for creativity and ingenuity, huh?

Check.

I just finished a new Occupational Therapy activity schedule for Finny that includes more summer-friendly activities. It also includes more activities that I think I will be able to stick with, and most of the choices that take a lot of time and energy on my part (the choices that often got skipped, in other words...) have been replaced by more Mommy-friendly activities. ;o)

Anyway. I just feel REALLY GOOD to have a new list of fun activities to do with my boy! And most of them I know at least Goose, and probably even Punky, will want to participate in. So that will make for some fun summer family time.

I'm excited. I hope Finny likes his new activities. And I am reminded how much better I do when things are new and changed up... I get complacent when schedules and activities get a bit stale. I need to take a mental note for the many years of OT and homeschooling ahead of us...

Toothless Finny

My beautiful boy.

A Big Day

Finny lost his first tooth today.

And I'm in a bit of shock.

I mean, yes, I knew it was loose. But I didn't know it was THAT loose. And it's FINNY. My BABY. The boy who will never, ever grow up. So how can he be losing teeth already!? That's Punky's job. He's lost 8 already, so I'm used to that now with him. ;o)

So now my sweet five year old Finny has a delightful little gap-toothed smile and he is so thrilled to be the one losing his first tooth, FINALLY! It seems he's been waiting forever for those teeth to wiggle. And now he's had the chance to live that proud and exciting moment, when you first feel that little tooth pop out and land in your hand.

The kind of sad part is that we were over at a friend's house for dinner, totally unprepared for such a major event. So we have no pictures or anything! And we got home late and popped the kids in bed, so all I could get were some quick shots of him in his dim bedroom half asleep and blinking from the flash. So I guess we'll take all the billions of shots of him with his gappy grin tomorrow instead.

So tonight my baby boy gets to fall asleep with the anticipation of wondering what he might find under his pillow in the morning...

And I get to start a whole new collecting of little teeth for my next boy, who is driving home the point that they do all, indeed, grow up... bit by bit.

Lovely, lovely life

It feels like I’ve hardly taken the time to post lately, but I’m really OK over here. Things are going very well, actually.

Last weekend I went to a really amazing Christian homeschool conference with Mary Grace. It was such a wonderful opportunity to really be fed on scripture and encouragement. Not only did I thoroughly enjoy the many uninterrupted conversations we were able to have with two days of childless car rides and conference time, but I was taken aback by the encouragement I felt being in such a place. There were so many good speakers covering such topics as raising daughters to be helpmeets, encouraging courtship rather than modern dating, biblical protection of daughters, biblical support for homeschooling, and tons more. I know there were some other topics specifically geared towards the more educational aspects of homeschooling, but we were both drawn more to the spiritually encouraging messages. I walked away from the conference with so very much to think and pray over. It’s so easy to see God’s work in the world when you go to such a place, surrounded by people who for the most part are making great efforts to daily devote themselves to Him and are giving everything they have to raise up a generation of children devoted to serving and glorifying Him. I admit it was a little bit sad to leave after two full days and walk back into the “real world” where so many people are so blinded by the false riches this world has to offer. But that is what we are surrounded by in this world. So at least I can be thankful to have been filled up for those two days so I feel better prepared to walk along this path God has made for me.

In other news, the weather has finally shown some consistency with sunshine and warmth. Don’t get me wrong – there are still plenty of chilly, gray and wet days. But there are often a couple of days of real spring like weather in between the gray spells. So I’m happy enough with that. ;o)

Girly Pie, my sweet baby girl is turning ONE YEAR OLD a week from today. Wow. Sigh. I think that will be a whole other blog post next week. There are so very many emotions that go along with that milestone in my heart! But she is still just about the cutest little thing in the whole wide world, and we couldn’t be any more in love with that darling little girl. And she’s walking – a lot. But still crawling, too. In the next week or two she’ll make that jump to full blown walker, I predict.

Goose has been struggling with some toileting issues. I’ve not mentioned them much, because, well really, it’s just not something you mention. But somehow after a whole year of being fully potty trained, he just started being terrified to poop. So he just stopped doing it. And if you know anything about the human digestive system, that just doesn’t go over well. But, after much worry, prayer and even a few tears, we found some resources that got us down the road to recovery from what was a very unhappy place for a little boy and his family to be. So now for the most part he’s back on track and does not seem to have any more issues with fear there. Thank you Lord for answered prayers and some really great kids books on the topic! Other than that he’s still just a complete crack up. If he’s this funny at a couple months shy of three, I can’t even imagine the stuff that kid will say when he’s a little bigger. That boy is just bursting with personality!

Finny had been doing really well with his occupational therapy schedule and exercises. But due to no fault of his own, we got a little off track for a few weeks and now are in the process of picking up the pieces and trying to get back into the activity schedule. It’s just a place where I am weak, that whole schedule and structure thing. But when I look at how great he does and how happy he is when I am diligent, versus how helpless and frustrated he is when I find myself slacking off with him, it is very convicting and I know that it’s just something I need to buck up and just do to the very best of my ability.

Punky is just a delight and such an encouragement. He’s the perfect oldest brother to our family. He’s responsible, hard working and always has a super positive attitude. I just love that boy. Seven is really an amazing age. He’s so aware of so much that you would think is beyond him – but then there are times when it’s so clear that he’s just a kid. A plain old “dumb” kid (that is, of course, said with full love and in the nice, happy sort of way… I’m not calling my son dumb!). And I love that. I’m so glad he doesn’t have to be fully mature and grown up all the time. It’s so great to see him just be a goof.

So we’re in birthday mode here. Lots to plan, lots to prepare. I’m very excited for Girly Pie’s flower themed first birthday party. I hope she enjoys it. ;o) Hubby is scheduled to have her birthday off of work, so I think we’ll just find a nice way to spend it all together as a family. He’s so sweet to always schedule our kids’ birthdays off of work. Granted he makes his own schedule, so it’s not hard – but he doesn’t get paid for it. So it’s still a sacrifice. And it’s one that I love him all the more for!

And I’m still pondering ideas for school next year. Two kids at a somewhat schoolish age. Hmmm… the possibilities are endless. And our garden is almost done! As of this weekend we’re hoping to have the dirt in, so we can plant whenever we want after that! Yay!

And that’s about it. Happy stuff. So many blessings. God is so very good. ;o)

One of my favorite things...

...about spring is when one of my beautiful little boys comes running up to me with a smile lighting up his whole face as he hands me a dandelion (or a handful of them, depending on which boy). "Here Mommy. This is for you!"

It's hard to think of anything else that can make me feel as loved as those proud gifts from such loving sons.

Even little 2 1/2 year old Goose today said: "Mommy, I got a pwize (surprise) for you. Wook. I got a fwowuh (flower) for you." I guess he's learned how to be so sweet from his brothers. And they all learned it from their sweet, sweet Daddy (who brings me random flowers on random days, just because he loves me).

But I believe there is no prettier flower than that bright, happy yellow weed when it is given with such love and devotion.

I will never again in all my life look at a patch of dandelions with scorn. I will only think of the years of happy, smiling boys so in love with me and so eager to bring a smile to my face.

Thank you Lord, for this season of life when I have a window sill full of weed-laden mini-vases, and so many dirty little hands and smiling little faces to wash each spring evening.

My cup runneth over.

Soul Music

I was having an oddly low day today. I really had to struggle to keep positive (or maybe afloat is a more accurate word here) which is unusual for me. I prayed constantly today in the hopes that just by His mere presence God would somehow restore the general sense of peace and joy I daily take for granted.

But apparently it wasn't His Own presence God had in mind to settle my spirit today.

Apparently it was Finny's.

Tuesdays are busy for us right now. Finny has a 10-11am gymnastics class and Punky has a 2-4pm homeschool class at the YMCA which includes swim lessons and alternating gym and art classes each week. Both of these classes are in the next town over from us, a solid 25-30 minute drive from our door to theirs. Thankfully it's just a short season, and both kids seem very blessed by these classes, so it's something we're willing to do... but myohmy, I was not created to be an on-the-go mom! And poor Girly Pie and Goose!

But today we were blessed in that Mary Grace was able to take Punky to the 2pm class with her kiddos, so I was able to drive the kids home after Finny's morning class for a full lunch and everyone but Punky got a decent rest or nap depending on their needs. It was clearly a much needed nap for Goose and for Girly Pie, both of whom were most definitely not going to make it through the rest of the day without it! And though Finny fought the alone time in his room, he did seem to benefit from it.

Oh. And I really enjoyed the quiet time, too.

So when Finny's rest time ended (the story on CD is set on a timer and when it clicks off they know their "rest time" is over and they are free to come out and join me) I was still in my bed finishing up a very nice worship time of music and Bible reading. I was feeling fairly refreshed and mellow, though I admit I was still oddly pensive and a bit gloomy feeling. But instead of both big boys trampling down the stairs to find me catching up on chores or computer time, I just had one quiet boy amble into my room, and together we stumbled into one of the nicest afternoons I've had in a really long time.

He joined my on my bed and I snuggled him up into me. I could smell the dirt in his skin from yesterday's yard play. And the sun was coming into the room just so, lighting up his fair skin and the little blond fuzz on his arms and neck. He was just so snuggly and yielding, which he is at times but not all the time. It was so nice to chat with him without interruption. No baby needing my arms. No toddler bouncing around with funny little antics. No older brother butting into each and every part of the conversation to offer up his own thoughts. Nope. None of that. Just me and my Finny William.

We talked about Easter and Jesus. Usually it's Punky who gets into the deeper theological discussions around here, and Finny is often just left there looking like a much younger child who really doesn't "get it" yet. So I was honestly surprised to hear what a strong grasp he has of Jesus and His sacrifice for us. He seemed perfectly aware of His death and resurrection, and understood why it had to be so. I was surprised by this mostly because Finny currently struggles with some pretty intense fears and sadness over anything remotely close to death or sadness. So to see him so matter of fact about the whole thing was really neat.

And then we talked about how we get to live forever in heaven. And about how in heaven you don't have any pain or fear... and you don't get ear infections (he is currently recovering from one), and you don't need ear tubes in heaven, nor do you need to get your tonsils taken out there (have I mentioned last year's surgery to have his tonsils and adenoids removed and to have ear tubes inserted to help with his chronic ear troubles?). He laughed at that, and was very pleased to realize that in heaven, he could swim or shower and not fear water getting in his ears. My heart hurt to see how simply he accepted how it is here - my strong little boy, already so much more aware of sacrifice and burdens than so many other five year olds. But it was so sweet to really know that someday, if my husband and I do our part well and if Finny stays on this path towards Jesus, he will be in a place free of these burdens of pain and suffering. And it was so fun to dream about that with him. Forever in heaven, always happy, never sad or lonely.

He was smiling the whole time. And I held his hand in mine, cradling it and turning over his little fingers, studying them, memorizing them and their smallness, their softness. The bright sun still lighting up all those blond little fuzzy hairs, the window cracked to let in the sounds of passing trains and breezes flitting through the trees.

The whole time I had my music playing, a little CD my husband put together from me with some of my favorite praise songs and a bunch of other country and oldies songs I like. It was pretty funny when Finny asked me to turn off the music. He said it made him "nervous." I tried to get him to explain to me why it made him feel nervous, and the best he could put to words was that they were all about Jesus and hearing songs about only him just made him feel "nervous." (For the record, they weren't all Christian songs, only a small portion - but it is a mix of music with a lot of heartwarming songs that definitely spark emotions in me.) So I'm not sure my five year old's understanding of the word nervous fits the feeling he was actually having, but I did find it interesting and sweet to see him so aware of the emotions that music brought out in him.

Another striking moment for me was during a snippet of our talk involving guns. We don't allow toy guns in our house and though the boys have small character toys with guns (Lego guys, etc.) they aren't allowed to play with or pretend to have life size guns. I'm just not ready to watch my boys pretend to kill each other. I've heard it may just be inevitable and I'll just need to get over it. But for now... I'm still holding strong!

But... Finny mentioned something about guns and how we don’t have them and how he'd never want toy guns. And it sparked a memory of a story my dad told me from his childhood. It was the first and only time he'd ever gone hunting. He went out in the California desert as a young man (old boy?) with a gun, and he heard a song bird. He saw it far in the distance and just for fun tried to shoot it, figuring it was too far off and he'd miss anyway. Well he hit the bird, and its song died along with it. My dad went home and put the gun away and never picked a gun up again. He was so heartbroken over the life he'd taken - over the contrast of the beauty of the bird's song to the harshness of the gun that killed it - that he just couldn't bear to take another life again.

So as I told this story to Finny, in a more watered down way of course, he turned his head aside and started to cry softly. This is the same boy who so openly accepted Christ's gift of His own life in exchange for our sin... the same boy who had only moments before discussed the beating and the crown of thorns... and yet his heart could not bear the thought of that little song bird dying in the desert, nor the thought of his young Grampa being so sad over the death of that little bird.

It was just such a sweet moment. He was a little sad, but still talking about it, and our talk took a few more twists and turns from there. That little boy has such a soft heart.

Sigh.

Later I brought up a little bag of candy I had and we divided up some pieces to share. He had fun counting them all out and finding patterns and making shapes and letters with them. He loves that kind of thing.

So through the whole time we spent together - maybe an hour total - I just felt so close to him, and so blessed to be his mom, to have him for a son. And I felt so thankful for all of my children. I very much enjoy the time I spend with all four of my kids together, and the times with just a couple of them. But when I really get to have just a little chunk of time like that with just one of them I am always amazed at how much I really enjoy that. It's just a special treat and it's one that I am so grateful to have the opportunity to enjoy now and then. I am so blessed to be a stay at home mom. I have a husband who works so very hard so that I can be home to raise and care for our children! And I get to homeschool. How hard would it be to carve out that special time with my kids if they were gone all day five days a week!? And I have a friend who can make a car trip for me now and then so that I can have just those extra two hours in the afternoon to spend refueling my spirit.

So that was my gift today. I admit that I still struggled to keep positive as the day wore on. There must be something rumbling in my soul that will be revealed later. Or maybe it was just a weird day. But that little snippet of my day really feels like a bright ray of sunshine on an otherwise gray day.

I can still smell his dirty boyish smell. I can still see the translucent look of his skin as the sun shone so brightly on it. Those little peach fuzzies are so clear in my mind's eye. Those hands - so small. That giggle at the thought of an ear infection-free heaven. The quiet tears shed over a little lost life. I think part of what made it so special was that Finny was himself, too. He wasn't frustrated or straining. He wasn't distant and happily floating in his own little Finny World. He was not competing with anyone else, nor was he striving to get my attention. He just had it, and he was happy for it, but not straining. It was just the most natural thing in the world. And sometimes in a house with 6 people, it's a little hard to find completely natural time to just be yourself with someone.

And as an only child, though I rarely get such moments, and really don't even try for them, I really do feel so refreshed when I am gifted with them. I forget how much a part of me that quiet one-on-one time is. It is just music to my soul.

Update on Finny's Schedule

We're doing pretty well keeping on a schedule with Finny's OT activities. I plotted it out a couple of weeks ago, and we now have seven specific activities to do each day of the week, slotted about every other hour.

And I just had to write a quick post to say that I have seen a world of difference in Finny! Sure he still has his low days and his absent minded/space cadet days... but on the whole, he's really doing great. We have all as a family found that we can pretty easily identify when he's running "high" or "low" and even Finny seems able to recognize when he's not "just right," though he's still often confused about the details. When he starts overreacting to every little thing, or throwing fits over seemingly unimportant obstacles, we've learned that he's "low" and we need to do an activity. When he's not paying attention to his body or actions, apparently that's a "high" engine (Have I mentioned the whole engine thing? That's the program the OT has us working on with him that helps him learn better how to self regulate - like a car engine, our bodies need to be just right. If our "engines" run too low, it's like a broken down car. Too high is like a race car and can lose control. But just right is like a nice, average car in good condition - it can go where it needs to go but does not get so fast that it loses control. So that's how we talk around our house now - it's all about high, low and just right!) and he needs some attention with an activity, too.

I've definitely noticed that the times when I am not consistent with his activities through the day he has a much harder time regulating himself and flops from high to low depending on the day. So I feel very rewarded with the schedule in that I can see the difference it makes for him, so I keep at it, even when I have other things that feel more important at the moment.

But with the more predictable schedule, Finny does not fight the activities, even when one he's not in love with pops up. He is totally OK with whatever activity I have set for the moment, and he does it all virtually without complaint, which is a huge improvement from a few weeks back when I was the Big Mean Mommy and he felt so frustrated by ti all.

So, that's how things are going. A boy who is happier and healthier is a good sign to me that we're doing something right. And I am so happy to be seeing so much more of my happy, bright eyed and positive little Sunshine Boy!

Date Night

It's amazing how healing it can be to just go out with one of your children for an evening.

Finny was having a particularly hard day today, and though I do not have it in my to go into details here, I will say that I gathered from him that he has not been feeling very well loved lately. By me, that is. He has not felt loved by me.

So, aside from breaking my mother's heart, I felt compelled to go out of my way to make special time for just Finny. My husband was kind enough to come home a little early from work this afternoon and happily kept the other three kiddos home so that I could take my dear, sweet, sad Finny out for a Mommy Date.

We went to the local craft store and he spent his birthday money on a fun craft. He also spent his own money to get small gifts for each of his brothers. He is such a sweet boy.

Then we went to the restaurant of his choice, which was of course Red Robin. I must admit that I am really quite sick of good ol' American food... but it was his choice, so Red Robin it was. He delighted in choosing his seat and getting me all to himself. He did lament the lack of Punky in particular a few times - but that just makes for a better day tomorrow after having missed one another tonight, I figure.

So, I got to carry my five year old boy through parking lots and have completely uninterrupted conversations with my little guy.

Did you ever notice before that that the crescent shape of the waxing or waning moon looks remarkably similar to a flying banana? No. I hadn't noticed that before tonight, either. But that Finny is one observant and imaginative fellow.

So the night was good. The day was salvaged.

Thank you Lord for good friends who are there to talk me back from hysterical fits of depression over what must surely be my complete lack of competency in parenting. Thank you for a husband who, despite his faults, knows when his wife really needs him. Thank you for an almost seven year old big brother who didn't even bat an eye when told his little brother was going out on a Mommy Date, even though he himself had just been pining for one just last week. Thank you for a two year old little brother who lavished a very sad Finny with kisses at his lowest point today. Thank you for a baby girl who managed to need me just little enough today that I was able to pour just that much more into a five year old boy who just needed me. In short, Thank you Lord for blessing me with all that I need to accomplish the tasks you have set before me.

And thank you for flying bananas. I needed that tonight - that little reminder that my sweet, funny, happy boy is still in there, somewhere.

Finny's Birthday

Just a quick update for anyone who was following my birthday letter and wondering how Finny’s birthday went and how he is doing:

He had a wonderful birthday which was truly an answer to my prayers. He was happy all morning, thrilled to open his gifts (all Swiss Family Robinson themed) and super-dee-duper excited to dig into his specifically requested and artfully decorated Batman cake (thank you Jo for all your help with that!). We then had most of Mary Grace’s family over for lunch and cake by Finny’s special request and he happily played with the other kids, which is not always the case.

After the midday gathering, we packed up and headed out to an evening spent with all four of his grandparents which was also his particular birthday wish. He was gifted with new outfits for his special bear (He named his bear Toothpaste. What a funny kid!) at Build a Bear (if you have them near you then you know how addicting they can be to kids… If you don’t than I probably sound crazy) and then enjoyed a lovely dinner out to his favorite restaurant to eat his favorite dinner and receive a loud birthday song from the wait staff as they handed him a very exciting birthday sundae.

The grandparents were happy to be there. Finny was excited to see them all. The brothers and Girly Pie were super cooperative and accommodating to him on his special day, and I don’t think he had one single major meltdown.

So there is a quick glimpse at our Finny’s fifth birthday. Thank you for your prayers in our direction. They are so very much appreciated.

Oh, and one cute side note… Finny has been eager to try many new foods since his birthday. He keeps saying, “Well, I’ll TRY it. I didn’t like it when I was four. But maybe now that I’m five I will like it.”

How cute is that? ;o)

A Birthday Letter

Dear Finny,

I tucked you in tonight, your last night as a four year old. The next time I see you awake you will be five. And Finny, I just don’t know how I feel about that. Normally I have a bit of a down time right before one of you guys ahs a birthday in general. Another year gone by. Another age behind us and a new one beginning. That’s just me. And when Punky turned five I went through it too. Five somehow seems so big. Somehow, the little boy you have been up until now just does not seem ready to fill the shoes of a FIVE YEAR OLD.

And with you in particular, my little Finny William, I just do not know how those five year old shoes will ever fit you quite right.

When I first saw you, five years ago at 3:27am on January 11, 2004, it was love at first sight. You came swiftly in the night, my first home birth with only 3 ½ hours of total labor. I had hardly gained any weight in my pregnancy and looked so small compared to my pregnancy with your big brother that I was positive you would be a petite little sister… there was no way I could possibly have been hiding anything over 6 pounds or so in that oh-so-small nine month belly of mine. So when you came and I first saw you, so round, so chunky, so long and with SUCH big hands, I was shocked. Your hair was thicker and longer than many one year olds, and jet black – though if I looked closely I could already see the silver blond color at the roots. You looked nothing at all like Punky had looked, nothing like the carbon copy of your Daddy that he was (and still is). You looked just like my baby pictures, in fact. And oh how sweet you were. By far the happiest, smiliest, funniest baby I have ever met. Never has another baby stolen my heart the way you did. Now don’t get me wrong, I do so love my children, each and every one of you… and I can say with all honesty that I do not love any of you more than another. You just have this way with me that I cannot resist. Your charm, your quirks, your smile… your carefree nature… you just always made being a baby, or a toddler, or even an early pre-schooler just look like so much fun.

As a baby you just smiled through everything. As a toddler, you just laughed it all off. I remember one day when you were about 18 months old. I had finally gotten you dressed again (you were naked more often than not) and mostly cleaned up after a nice, sunny summer day in our new construction yard full of dirt. I went around the corner of our driveway to water the plants and when I came back, there you were naked yet again… showering in the dripping water from the hanging plant I had just watered. You just stood there, buck naked, running your fingers through your white shoulder-length mop of hair as you let the cold water run all down your body. You looked like a grown up enjoying a long, hot shower. I couldn’t help but laugh at you. You were the one who walked around with a blanket over your head and bumping into walls, just to see what it felt like. You were the boy who rolled naked in dirt, refusing to wear clothes, and when you would wear them you usually chose jammies. You luxuriated in meal times, often smearing your food in your hair or all over your (again, usually naked) body. You climbed everything, more often than not falling off of whatever great height you reached. You rarely cried when you fell, usually just dusting yourself off and looking for the next adventure. Suffering from years of chronic ear fluid, infections and many a month of a wheat restricted diet in an effort to ward off the threat of ear tubes, you really never seemed to get bogged down by it all.

You, Finny, were my Sunshine Boy. Nothing seemed able to dim the glow that just seemed to emanate from your whole self.

And now, my sweet, Sunny boy, I sit here on the eve of your fifth birthday and fight off the tears as I think of you now. Trapped in a body that just does not seem able to handle all the troubles life throws at you. Frustrated at just about every step you stumble over. I can still see that sunshine in there. You still have days, weeks even, when you are all sunshine and roses, goodness and light. You still can make some of the tougher struggles in life just seem like fun anyway. But it seems that much too often now, you make even the simplest of feats seem like more than a soul can bear.

It’s called SPD. Sensory Processing Disorder. It’s something I had never heard of before in my life until Mare Grace mentioned it with her sons. And even then, it was just a thing her kids suffered from. Just some odd part of life that came from, I figured, being born a few weeks prematurely and that her kids would work through and outgrow eventually. It was never, ever something that even flickered on my radar as your mom. You were perfect. You were happy. Nothing bothered you. Sure you had quirks. But man, it was those quirks that made you such a happy baby. Such a dynamic and high spirited toddler. Such a goofy and delightful three year old.

But then, just a few months shy of your fifth birthday, all those quirks, those cute, babyish ways of yours that seemed so endearing and that I so delighted in for so many years, were just not going away. Suddenly, they weren’t so cute anymore. And you weren’t so happy anymore, either.

Now in hindsight, it all makes a little more sense. I know now that you were seeking sensory input for all those years when you climbed, jumped, fell, rolled, hung, wiggled and squirmed your way through the throes of toddlerhood. I can see that all those messy mealtimes of a silly boy painting himself in syrup or spaghetti sauce were actually deeply satisfying sensory experiences for a boy who was craving them from somewhere deep inside his body. I know that the oblivion in which you lived was just fine for a little boy. A baby.

But now as you approach an age that most children seem so suddenly grown up in, you just aren’t quite there yet. You still want to be that baby. You still want to do the messy, goofy, quirky things that one, two and three year olds can do. You still choose to speak in a baby voice and often back down from any form of responsibility. Any frustration that comes your way seems to be life altering to a boy who struggles just to get through a day full of sensory attacks.

I just don’t know what to do, Finny. Tonight you had a complete breakdown before bed. You stubbornly refused to do even the simple task of climbing the stairs and fought tooth and nail the things we asked of you. You went to bed howling and yelling at the top of your lungs. You cried and cried and cried for what seemed to the rest of us to be no reason at all. And I fought so hard to hold back my own tears. When you finally calmed down enough to talk your voice was hoarse from the yelling and you seemed so small, so frail and helpless. You were my little baby again. And it was just hard, Finny, to know that you are not that baby today. I can’t let you stay in this safe and warm world of mine, the world of Mommy. As your Mommy, I want to hold you and make it all better. I want to tell you it will all be OK and give you anything you want to make it be alright.

But I can’t.

I can’t make it all better. I can’t save you from your troubles. I can’t make your choices for you. I want to Baby, I really do. But I can’t do it.

And I pray for you so much. I know the Lord has made you perfectly and that He doesn’t make mistakes. I know that He will make something beautiful and strong out of your weakness and your struggles. I believe He has led us to a therapist who can really help you and can show us ways to help you grow and feel better. I know that one of the many reasons that he brought Mary Grace and her family into our lives is so that I could learn about SPD and knowhow to find the right people to help you, to help our whole family.

And I do have faith that everything will be alright someday.

But tonight, as I prepare the house to be just right for you to wake up to your fifth birthday, I admit that I am just a little bummed that it isn’t as easy or as fun as it once was. It is hard for me to see your sunny disposition replaced by an often sour and glum frustration at all of life’s troubles, whether those troubles are real or just perceived. It’s hard for me to see you struggle so. It seems hard for us both to let you grow up, Finny.

That’s a new one on me. Of course I always joke that I’d love my babies to stay babies forever. I do love babies, after all. But I delight in your growth, your maturing and discovering the world, the life God has prepared for you all. And Punky has always seemed more than ready to embrace the bigger world that lies ahead of him. He is ready to get big and go for it. So to see you struggling with it… well, I just don’t know what to do.

So that is what is on my heart tonight, my boy. I would love to sit here and tell you all about all the wonderful things you are doing and about how great a five year old you will be. I’d love to say that everything in life excites you and that everything is hunky dory. But instead, I sit here with a bit of a heavy heart. I sit here, wondering just how hard this year of growth, therapy, home exercises and increased discipline will be for you. I want to go on and on about what a wonderful artist you are, but I am nagged by the thought of how many times you sit down to draw only for it to end in a flood of tears and frustration that it’s not turning out right. I’d love to say how great you get along with your brothers and your sister. But instead I am sad to think of how many arguments have come from your rigidity with the boys, or about how you are limited in your time with Girly Pie because you cannot seem to control yourself when you are near her. I want to talk about your friends, but it breaks my heart to see you on the outside of most social circumstances.

I want so badly to have some great silver lining to offer. But tonight, I just don’t have it in me. Tonight I let go of one more year with my baby boy, not knowing what is to come as he becomes just that much more of a young man, a young man who is struggling and confused, both physically and emotionally.

But I will pray for peace and strength. I will pray for healing for you and for understanding for us all. I will pray for His will to be made just clear enough that I can know the part I am to play in your life right now. And I will pray and work to stay in today, not longing for the Finny that was, not worrying too terribly much over the Finny that will come.

And know this, my dear Finny William. I love you so very much. You do still light up my heart when you smile and when you are happy. And it breaks my heart so to see you hurting and sad. I rejoice with your cheers and I cry with your pain. And I want you to know that for as long as I am here and as long as God wills me to, I will walk this walk with you. I know someday you may be called to walk on this road alone. But for now, and for as long as I can, I will be here to carry you through it and hold your hand. And then, when God calls me to step back, I will hopefully have done my job and will put your hand in His and He will take you the rest of the way.

So goodnight, my sweet boy. I do hope you sleep well. And when you awake in the morning, you will be five years old. You have been counting down the days, and can hardly contain your excitement for the day that is to come. I do hope that you will enjoy it as much as you intend to. I hope that, at least for the day, your frustrations can cease and you can just let your light shine and feel the blessings of the day.

Love,

Mommy

Finny's Funnies...

So yesterday (or was it the day before? I dunno... it's all a blur...) I asked my big boys a question and they stumbled over the answer. Usually when I ask such a questions Punky jumps to the answer long before anyone else gets a chance to even really mull the question over. Normally Finny just happily parrots his brother's answer and just smiles, pleased that there is indeed an answer to the question at all. Sometimes he squawks that Punky didn't give him a chance. This time I think Finny got to it just a fraction of a second before his always-right-and-always-gotta-prove-it-to-the-world big brother. I didn't think much of it and did not tune into the minor conversation, and apparently disagreement, that ensued between them just after the incident. But what I did catch was Finny's just too cute and perfect response to his brother's apparent displeasure at Finny's knowing anything:

Finny (said with just the right amount of spunk, but not a trace of snottiness): "Punky, you're not the only smart one in this house."

Too true, Finny. Too true. And more power to you for figuring that out. Good for you, my boy.