I've got that joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart...

It's one of those sunny, happy, delightful days around here.

No, the weather is not really sunny. It's dry, and I can actually see some blue through the gray - but that's not what I'm talking about.

It's just that I'm feeling all sunny and bright.

Don't you just love those days when all the blessings you KNOW you have just really feel so blindingly apparent that you just can't help but feel joy bubbling out from every part of your soul?

Well, that's today for me. I mean, I always know I'm blessed. And I am not a particularly gloomy person. In fact, I'd say I'm downright cheery most of the time.

But today is just abundantly joyful and cheerful.

So just for fun, I thought I'd list off just the first few of the many reasons I feel so joyful, blessed, cheerful and sunny today.

• I'm going to have a BABY in about 4 weeks. How cool is that? (I've known for ages that I have been pregnant. But I'm actually going to HAVE A BABY within the next month! That realization has just occurred to me in the past week or two.)
• I have a new found love and passion for my husband for the first time in almost ten years of marriage... and I feel so very blessed to see that he has the same new found love and passion for me as well.
• My sweet hubby OK'd cloth diapers for our newborn - the first of the five to come straight into the world wearing cloth rather than disposable.
• My diapers arrived today and are in the wash now. And they are so stinking tiny and cute I could just about die!
• I have the four cutest and sweetest kids on the entire planet. And they love each other and each one of them has been so happy and sweet today (all week really).
• School went super smoothly today.
• Girly Pie has peed in the potty WAY MORE than in her pants today. That's enough right there to set my soul on fire! ;o)
• No matter how much I've ever done wrong, and no matter how bitter or foul my soul can be at moments, I am the daughter of a King who loves me through it all, and thinks I'm wonderful and made me just the way He wanted me to be. And today for some reason, I'm just hyper-aware of that love and grace.
• I have See's chocolate in the house.
• I got to watch my four children holding and singing to and fawning over my good friend's 4 week old last night, and it was such a beautiful thing to see their excitement and love pouring out on this little guy.
• Punky has been pining ever since holding my friend's little man... "I can't WAIT for our baby to be born! I think I could change the diapers now, don't you?" I am just so blessed to have been given a first born son to this growing family of ours who has such a love for little ones and so longs to help and care for all the little chicks in this nest.
• I got to start the morning out with a short chat with my best bud MG, and as rare of a treat as that is these days it always is a delight.
• My body is healthy and whole. I take for granted often enough what a blessing that is. But today, I'm just very aware of the gift that health in life really is.
• My children are healthy and whole - this one feels even bigger than my own health. I'm so glad that they were blessed with strong bodies, healthy immune systems and everything in between.
• Dinner is already in the crockpot. I love days when dinner is done at 8am. ;o)
• My "To Do Before the Baby Comes" list is rapidly getting crossed off. That feels so GOOD!
• My hubby called me from work this morning to invite me to play one of our favorite card games this evening. It's so fun to be invited to such a thing. And I love that he's thinking about our evening together even while we're both busily working through our day.

I know there are a million more things that are adding to my general feeling of happiness and bubbly joy. But those are the first few that came to mind. And I have diapers to rotate in the wash and lunch to eat and lots of other options of ways to spend my short quiet time of the day. So off I go.

I hope you are feeling the joy of all your blessings today as well!

Brotherly (and sisterly) Love

Just a few random shots of our kids together. How very, very blessed we are to have this beautiful family. And how very, very blessed they are to have each other. It's the moments like this that make every little argument and struggle between them melt away in memories.

Finny and Goose have one matching outfit. Finny always makes sure to dress Goose in it when he picks his own out.

Punky and Goose are like two peas in a pod. And Goose just adores that biggest brother of his!

Look at those kids! I just love this shot.

A quiet moment between Punky and Finny as they enjoy a cold treat on a hot day.

The whole gang (minus me - the photographer) on our hike to some local ice caves. A little bit of everything... Batman, Transformers, big rubber boots, pig tails, and a big Daddy to show them everything he can about the world around them all.

Finny showing Goose the ropes of this whole alphabet thing. They are doing so well together in their school stuff. Finny really seems to like the role of mentor with the basics. It's great reinforcement for him, and Goose of course loves the attention and time spent with his brother.

Punky and Finny enjoying a new load of books from the library together. I love when I catch one of the big boys reading to the others. It just melts my heart.

Goose and Girly Pie going for a little walk around the house with the babies. What you can't see is that they are both wearing babies on their backs, as well. (And lest you think we have a zillion copies of everything, we don't own all the babies - most are on loan from our local library from their nifty new learning kits) These two are so cute together. They really do enjoy a special connection that I so enjoy watching unfold!

Confessions of a grumpy Mommy

A headache. A 5am wake-up caused by a very cranky little girl (no - she didn't cause the headache, but I doubt she's helped much to relieve it). An uncooperative 5 year old with sensory issues that seem to be really making a star appearance this morning. A long car ride ahead with no hubby to enjoy it with. A ferry ride in addition to the car ride. Again, no one to help out with potty runs and the like on the ferry (I sure hope no one has to pee when someone else is asleep in the car...). All for a trip to a very un-baby-safe house on a beach with a bunch of family members - some of whom I enjoy, some I strain to be pleasant around. Four very excited - and very rambunctious - children. And a bad attitude that I just can't seem to shake this morning.

I know that there is plenty of opportunity for fun and for joy today. There will be swimming and pot-lucking. There will be beach combing and blackberry picking. There might even be kayaking and sea fishing. The kids will be happy and dirty and off-the-wall delighted with the entire day.

But all I want is a good book and a long nap.

Do you ever just have one of those days where it just takes a whole lot of effort to smile for anyone? Well, to be 100% honest, that's me today. I wish I could just get over it. But so far all me wishing is not actually making a dent in the little black cloud I seem to be wearing over my head right now.

Gee, I hope I can pull it together before we arrive at the family gathering so I don't look like a complete humbug. ;o) Even reading this I can see what a terrible grump and complainer I am being. But I'm stuck. It won't go away.

Right. Well. Off I go to load the car and pack lunches. Man I just hope that at the very least this headache would just vanish.

OK. I'm done complaining now. I'm sure I'll have a lovely day. Eventually. ;o)

I wish I brought my camera!

We had so much fun today!

I took my four kiddos, plus Mary Grace's three oldest and we headed out to a berry farm about 45 minutes from home to pick raspberries.

The kids were so great at picking and happily stayed nearby on our same "lane" so I could keep an eye on all seven kids at once. They especially loved when I would send them as "scouts" down to different lanes of berries to report which was the most promising lane to head down next. MG's three picked for their family and my crew and I picked for ourselves, and both families ended up with +/- 9 pounds of fresh raspberries. I can't believe how effective those little eyes and hands are at finding and picking berries. Even Finny was really, really great!

Goose was less effective, and most definitely ate more than he collected. But he was so cute as he'd come running down the lane to me hollering, "I got one! I got a beewy! Hewe, Mommy." As he dropped one proudly into my collecting box. I'm sure he collected a total of 20 berries throughout the entire afternoon. But he had a great time, and was very proud of each of those 20 berries.

And Girly Pie happily walked up and down the dusty, dirty lane following the procession of poking, picking, hollering, laughing and chatting children. Every once in a while she would find a promising branch of berries and squat down in that cute toddler squat to indulge herself. I loved watching her dirt and berry stained face as she would smile and nod, mouth full of berries, and say, "Mmmmm."

By the time we were finally loading up in the car, every single pair of feet was completely covered in fine dirt, and every pair of hands was coated a sticky brown, highlighted of course with berry juice. Goose and Girly Pie had completely brown and red faces. Girly Pie even had some chunks of berry in her hair.

It was great.

So home we drove, with seven happy little people all buckled in and chatting away the 45 minute ride home. Girly Pie and Goose fell asleep quickly and slept through more laughing and jostling than one can imagine. The sleep of exhausted, happy babies with berry-filled bellies.

14 filthy hands. 14 socks encrusted with dirt and most likely beyond saving. 7 smiling brown faces. 18 pounds of raspberries. 1 filthy car. An uncountable number of smiles.

And one happy momma and friend.

It was well worth the $36 for the berries. Today was a day I will not soon forget. I just love days like this.

And I can't BELIEVE I didn't bring my camera. I guess I'll just have to keep those mental snapshots and hope they last forever. Somehow, I think they will.

Family fun

I just love watching my kiddos play together! Goose and Girly Pie are so cute together right now. She just adores him, and he is completely in love with her, too. It's so cute how now that she's walking, Goose likes to follow her around and hold onto her shoulders, like a little choo-choo train together! Of course it's a bit of a problem since she keeps falling over when he does it. But still, it's cute.

And lately Finny and Goose have started forming their own little friendship. For the most part, it's always been Punky leading the crew, with Finny mostly following him in everything. In the past year or so since Goose has been more of a little guy and less of a baby, he's just happily followed along - only throwing fits when for some reason he can't be in the same room with whatever the big boys are doing. But for the most part, Punky and Finny have played fairly exclusively. They have been the buds, everyone else has just been a third wheel.

But now Finny has discovered the sheer joy of being in charge of someone else! He's found that when he plays with Goose, HE gets to deiced on the game, and HE gets to pick which guy he is. HE gets to lead someone around the house and have someone else hang on his every word. Goose adores him and loves to do whatever Finny suggests, and Finny is shining in his role as leading big brother. And I LOVE IT!

Punky is a born leader, and he very much enjoys that role. But sometimes he's a little... ahem... shall we say... bossy? And Finny has this sort of defeatist attitude about Punky always getting his way. He usually just gives in to his big brother, but as he's grown older and has tried to assert his own opinion and independence, he'll often throw a bit of a fit or just whine insessantly at his big brother to try and be heard. Of course, most of the time Punky doesn't even bat an eye. He seems to not even hear his poor little brother's pleadings. So someone ends up getting upset and timeouts are divvied out and the game ends badly. And I feel so bad that poor Finny never really gets his way. Even when I do intervene, he's just the little brother, so it's just hard for Big Brother to follow his lead. That's just not the dynamic between them.

But now often I'll find Finny happily running around, with Goose hot on his heels, announcing what they'll be playing and suggesting (with surprisingly good manners and kind words) what dress up clothes they should don next. Goose is of course thrilled to not only be allowed in the game, but to actually be getting some attention and say in said game. They are so cute running around in matching Batman suits or Superman jammies or Incredibles gear.

But of course, then Punky comes along and laments that he feels left out now that Finny and Goose are playing so much together.

Sigh.

You just can't win. ;o)

I did take that opportunity to talk to him about the give and take of playing with his brothers. I pointed out how nice it was for Finny to be the leader and to get the chance to choose the game and the details without having to fight so hard to be heard. I said that I was sure they'd include him in their game, if he was willing to join their game and follow them - but not just jump in and take over. So far I've not seen much improvement, and He often goes off on his own to do something else. But we'll see if any personal growth can come from this for sweet, but bossy, Punky.

And then there's the little Princess-with-four-handsome-young-knights dynamic! I have to say it is so very sweet to see how much they all adore that little girl. They all clamour for her attention and love to help her get things to make her happy. Finny and Punky love to carry her around when they're allowed to, and they are always so willing to accommodate for their little sister, even when it's terribly inconvenient to them. They pick up small toys and move games to higher ground. They accept toppled towers and slimy pencils that she has found and slobbered one - all without a single complaint. I have had to restart many a movie after she has pushed the DVD player's buttons mid-show, but they never seem to mind a bit. Stories have ended early from her fussing, games are put on hold until naptime, fun is shushed while she's alseep. But those boys never even seem to give it a thought. That's just something that happens with a baby around. And that's all there is to it.

So life in our home with four little ones really is so much fun right now. I really do so enjoy the gift of watching them all grow up as siblings. I'm sure I've mentioned it before, but having grown up an only child, it's just such a neat and novel thing for me to see them all living and loving together on a daily basis. I feel so blessed to be a part of such a family.

And I think that my kids feel pretty blessed to be a part of one, too.

Just do it

Colossians 3:12
Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.

Colossians 4:5-6
Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.

As you can see, I’ve been reading Colossians today. And boy, was in desperate need of that.

I’ve been struggling lately, and though I have found myself looking all around and pointing the finger at anyone I can to excuse my difficulties, I have not done so well when looking in the mirror.

Yes, I have been wronged by people. Yes, there are frustrating situations around me over which I have little to no control. Yes, other people sin constantly.

But that does not make it ok for me to sin, too.

And yes, I am human. Yes, I will fail repeatedly. Yes, perfection is a goal which I can never reach on my own, and even with Jesus’ help I’ll still never reach this side of heaven.

But that STILL does not make it ok for me to sin – and excuse it and feel justified in it.

And as I tell my kids on an almost daily basis, “It’s doesn’t matter what he did to you. You are not responsible for his actions. You are only responsible for your own actions.”

One other Bible verse has been ringing in my head for a couple of weeks now. And it’s one I’m sure we all struggle with from time to time.

Luke 6:41-43 "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,' when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.”

In short, I’m blindly stumbling around trying to find and remove specks form everyone’s eyes but my own – but I can’t see past the two-by-four sticking in my own eye to do the job properly.

So no more feeling pouty because my Man isn’t making me feel special enough. It’s time I just pour myself into being the very best wife that I can be to him, regardless of his efforts towards me.

No more lecturing my children on serving one another and working with a happy heart. It’s time to just serve them and work with my own happy heart and smiling face. I’m sure they’ll learn quicker by example than they will by my words.

No more looking down my nose at other parents for their lack of discipline with their children or their lack of wisdom in choosing the right path in how to school their family. It’s time to just look to the Lord and follow His lead in how He wants me to raise and teach my own children.

No more getting frustrated over my husband’s lukewarm approach to faith. He’s undecided, and there’s nothing I can do about that. I can however lose him to Christ forever if I continue to mope around when things don’t go my way. Why would anyone want to be part of a faith and belief system that turns out grumpy, unhappy folks who are always pestering and complaining, and pointing out all that everyone else does wrong? I know that was something that turned me off of Christianity before I became a believer. So it’s just time to live out the faith. All I can do is live with the joy of the Lord pouring out of me in every way possible.

It’s time to do as James 1:22 teaches and, “Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.”

And the thing is, I KNOW THIS STUFF. I do. Really. And I’ll tell anyone else I encounter all about it. But somehow I’ve missed the point for a while. I thought I was really living out my faith. And in many areas, I really am. But in many areas, I have been falling far short of the goal.

So it’s time to redouble my efforts to make a designated quiet time EVERY DAY to spend in the Word and with the Lord, seeking out His will for me in my life and in my actions. And then, once I’ve read His Word, I just need to do it.

Soul Music

I was having an oddly low day today. I really had to struggle to keep positive (or maybe afloat is a more accurate word here) which is unusual for me. I prayed constantly today in the hopes that just by His mere presence God would somehow restore the general sense of peace and joy I daily take for granted.

But apparently it wasn't His Own presence God had in mind to settle my spirit today.

Apparently it was Finny's.

Tuesdays are busy for us right now. Finny has a 10-11am gymnastics class and Punky has a 2-4pm homeschool class at the YMCA which includes swim lessons and alternating gym and art classes each week. Both of these classes are in the next town over from us, a solid 25-30 minute drive from our door to theirs. Thankfully it's just a short season, and both kids seem very blessed by these classes, so it's something we're willing to do... but myohmy, I was not created to be an on-the-go mom! And poor Girly Pie and Goose!

But today we were blessed in that Mary Grace was able to take Punky to the 2pm class with her kiddos, so I was able to drive the kids home after Finny's morning class for a full lunch and everyone but Punky got a decent rest or nap depending on their needs. It was clearly a much needed nap for Goose and for Girly Pie, both of whom were most definitely not going to make it through the rest of the day without it! And though Finny fought the alone time in his room, he did seem to benefit from it.

Oh. And I really enjoyed the quiet time, too.

So when Finny's rest time ended (the story on CD is set on a timer and when it clicks off they know their "rest time" is over and they are free to come out and join me) I was still in my bed finishing up a very nice worship time of music and Bible reading. I was feeling fairly refreshed and mellow, though I admit I was still oddly pensive and a bit gloomy feeling. But instead of both big boys trampling down the stairs to find me catching up on chores or computer time, I just had one quiet boy amble into my room, and together we stumbled into one of the nicest afternoons I've had in a really long time.

He joined my on my bed and I snuggled him up into me. I could smell the dirt in his skin from yesterday's yard play. And the sun was coming into the room just so, lighting up his fair skin and the little blond fuzz on his arms and neck. He was just so snuggly and yielding, which he is at times but not all the time. It was so nice to chat with him without interruption. No baby needing my arms. No toddler bouncing around with funny little antics. No older brother butting into each and every part of the conversation to offer up his own thoughts. Nope. None of that. Just me and my Finny William.

We talked about Easter and Jesus. Usually it's Punky who gets into the deeper theological discussions around here, and Finny is often just left there looking like a much younger child who really doesn't "get it" yet. So I was honestly surprised to hear what a strong grasp he has of Jesus and His sacrifice for us. He seemed perfectly aware of His death and resurrection, and understood why it had to be so. I was surprised by this mostly because Finny currently struggles with some pretty intense fears and sadness over anything remotely close to death or sadness. So to see him so matter of fact about the whole thing was really neat.

And then we talked about how we get to live forever in heaven. And about how in heaven you don't have any pain or fear... and you don't get ear infections (he is currently recovering from one), and you don't need ear tubes in heaven, nor do you need to get your tonsils taken out there (have I mentioned last year's surgery to have his tonsils and adenoids removed and to have ear tubes inserted to help with his chronic ear troubles?). He laughed at that, and was very pleased to realize that in heaven, he could swim or shower and not fear water getting in his ears. My heart hurt to see how simply he accepted how it is here - my strong little boy, already so much more aware of sacrifice and burdens than so many other five year olds. But it was so sweet to really know that someday, if my husband and I do our part well and if Finny stays on this path towards Jesus, he will be in a place free of these burdens of pain and suffering. And it was so fun to dream about that with him. Forever in heaven, always happy, never sad or lonely.

He was smiling the whole time. And I held his hand in mine, cradling it and turning over his little fingers, studying them, memorizing them and their smallness, their softness. The bright sun still lighting up all those blond little fuzzy hairs, the window cracked to let in the sounds of passing trains and breezes flitting through the trees.

The whole time I had my music playing, a little CD my husband put together from me with some of my favorite praise songs and a bunch of other country and oldies songs I like. It was pretty funny when Finny asked me to turn off the music. He said it made him "nervous." I tried to get him to explain to me why it made him feel nervous, and the best he could put to words was that they were all about Jesus and hearing songs about only him just made him feel "nervous." (For the record, they weren't all Christian songs, only a small portion - but it is a mix of music with a lot of heartwarming songs that definitely spark emotions in me.) So I'm not sure my five year old's understanding of the word nervous fits the feeling he was actually having, but I did find it interesting and sweet to see him so aware of the emotions that music brought out in him.

Another striking moment for me was during a snippet of our talk involving guns. We don't allow toy guns in our house and though the boys have small character toys with guns (Lego guys, etc.) they aren't allowed to play with or pretend to have life size guns. I'm just not ready to watch my boys pretend to kill each other. I've heard it may just be inevitable and I'll just need to get over it. But for now... I'm still holding strong!

But... Finny mentioned something about guns and how we don’t have them and how he'd never want toy guns. And it sparked a memory of a story my dad told me from his childhood. It was the first and only time he'd ever gone hunting. He went out in the California desert as a young man (old boy?) with a gun, and he heard a song bird. He saw it far in the distance and just for fun tried to shoot it, figuring it was too far off and he'd miss anyway. Well he hit the bird, and its song died along with it. My dad went home and put the gun away and never picked a gun up again. He was so heartbroken over the life he'd taken - over the contrast of the beauty of the bird's song to the harshness of the gun that killed it - that he just couldn't bear to take another life again.

So as I told this story to Finny, in a more watered down way of course, he turned his head aside and started to cry softly. This is the same boy who so openly accepted Christ's gift of His own life in exchange for our sin... the same boy who had only moments before discussed the beating and the crown of thorns... and yet his heart could not bear the thought of that little song bird dying in the desert, nor the thought of his young Grampa being so sad over the death of that little bird.

It was just such a sweet moment. He was a little sad, but still talking about it, and our talk took a few more twists and turns from there. That little boy has such a soft heart.

Sigh.

Later I brought up a little bag of candy I had and we divided up some pieces to share. He had fun counting them all out and finding patterns and making shapes and letters with them. He loves that kind of thing.

So through the whole time we spent together - maybe an hour total - I just felt so close to him, and so blessed to be his mom, to have him for a son. And I felt so thankful for all of my children. I very much enjoy the time I spend with all four of my kids together, and the times with just a couple of them. But when I really get to have just a little chunk of time like that with just one of them I am always amazed at how much I really enjoy that. It's just a special treat and it's one that I am so grateful to have the opportunity to enjoy now and then. I am so blessed to be a stay at home mom. I have a husband who works so very hard so that I can be home to raise and care for our children! And I get to homeschool. How hard would it be to carve out that special time with my kids if they were gone all day five days a week!? And I have a friend who can make a car trip for me now and then so that I can have just those extra two hours in the afternoon to spend refueling my spirit.

So that was my gift today. I admit that I still struggled to keep positive as the day wore on. There must be something rumbling in my soul that will be revealed later. Or maybe it was just a weird day. But that little snippet of my day really feels like a bright ray of sunshine on an otherwise gray day.

I can still smell his dirty boyish smell. I can still see the translucent look of his skin as the sun shone so brightly on it. Those little peach fuzzies are so clear in my mind's eye. Those hands - so small. That giggle at the thought of an ear infection-free heaven. The quiet tears shed over a little lost life. I think part of what made it so special was that Finny was himself, too. He wasn't frustrated or straining. He wasn't distant and happily floating in his own little Finny World. He was not competing with anyone else, nor was he striving to get my attention. He just had it, and he was happy for it, but not straining. It was just the most natural thing in the world. And sometimes in a house with 6 people, it's a little hard to find completely natural time to just be yourself with someone.

And as an only child, though I rarely get such moments, and really don't even try for them, I really do feel so refreshed when I am gifted with them. I forget how much a part of me that quiet one-on-one time is. It is just music to my soul.

Adventing, Benny-style

Last year I decided it would be fun to just skip “school” for the whole Advent season and just do Advent activities instead. I’d never celebrated Advent before myself, but was very excited to start this new tradition with our family and try and really bring the meaning of Christmas back to Jesus and the gift of His birth (and life and death).

So I put in a few hours at the computer Googling Christmas crafts, baking and activities. I put holds on a bunch of Christmas classics on video from our library’s great hold system (after all, what Christmas is complete without watching the stop animation version of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer a few dozen times?). I ordered a Jesse Tree book and cut out the ornament circles for the season. I also found a whole Bible reading calendar for Advent online.

And then – and this is the key thing here – I used a small three ring binder and some plastic dividers with pockets in them labeled one for each week of Advent and printed out some weekly schedules from Donna Young. Then I just sat down and plugged the stuff into the weekly schedules. I left a column for each activity and filled something in for each day. We had movies planned in, a Christmas song to learn each week, baking days, ornaments to make, gifts to make, outings to go on, and days like St. Nicholas Day marked with an appropriate book ready from the library and the right items set aside to celebrate the day in a fun way.

And all this I had done long before Thanksgiving rolled around.

And do you know what? It was GREAT!!! The boys were thrilled with the crafts and the baking. We had so much fun! I loved having everything all laid out ahead of time so I wasn’t trying to think of something in a pinch. The recipes, craft directions, coloring pages and advent and Jesse tree readings were all right there in my little book, even down the which movie was up for the day and what song we were learning for the week. (By the way, there is nothing cuter than three little boys banging on upside down jars and singing The Little Drummer Boy. I’ll always remember the endless rounds of, “Puh-rum-pum-pum-pum… rum-pum-pum-pum… rum-pum-pum-puuuuhhhmmmm.” It was pretty stinking cute.)

We made our annual salt dough Christmas tree ornaments. We made caramel corn (yum!) and home made gum drops (not so yum...) for the first time. We cut out gingerbread people and decorated them and made a garland of them to hang in our dining room. We made handprint Jesse trees and the boys colored the Jesse Tree ornaments and glued them up their each morning after our Bible reading. We made Fruit Loop garlands to hang on the tree. And the cutest little craft ever was this little wreath shaped frame made from puzzle pieces painted green with little red holly berries dotted on them, and then used as picture frames for my kids and hung on the Christmas tree. So cute! We learned at least three Christmas carols that we had not yet memorized before.

The list goes on and on. I have so many fun memories from last year’s Advent season. Yes, our house was a wreck for most of the month. Sure, I was just barely finished cleaning up one project before the boys were digging into the next one. Yeah, we had so much paper lying around it was undoubtedly a fire hazard. And of course we did not do every single activity I had planned out on my handy-dandy weekly schedules. But we did most of them, and we had a blast doing it all. This year my boys started asking about Advent and when we would start it up again around, oh, late September.

This year things are a little different. This year I have a six month old (almost seven months… Ack!) Girly Pie in tow and I am much less organized. This year Thanksgiving just came later than it seems like it should, so it snuck up on me that Advent was starting YESTERDAY!!! This year, I still have a handy little notebook, but I did steal much of what’s in the new one from what I had planned out last year. But I guess that’s kind of the point. I took the stuff we really enjoyed, I dropped the stuff that was less fun or just not worth doing every single year, and I added in a few new ideas that were better for my kids being a year older (or just easier for a Mommy with one more little one to juggle in the mix) or that just looked like fun.

So we’ll see how it goes this year. Today was Day One of the full crafting schedule. And it was a little hectic, I admit. We made the handprint trees and some popsicle stick angels, and did our Bible readings. But Goose didn’t nap, Punky has been sliding into disrespect lately so we had some teachable moments that interrupted the flow of the day, and Finny is in need of some sensory activated every 2-3 hours so I need to keep on top of our schedule more than I did last year (I’ll write more on the sensory stuff another time…).

And, much to my great dismay, sweet Girly Pie is starting to look like she’s got an ear infection. I know an ear infection does not sound like the end of the world to most people… but to a mom who has watched one baby boy go through years of chronic ear infections and fluid and has fought off ear tubes for four years with her darling Sunshine Boy only to be told by a new Ear, Nose, Throat doc that he needs to have tubes NOW, oh, and a tonsillectomy and adenoidectomy, too… just weeks after his fourth birthday and that he might have suffered some slight permanent hearing loss due to all those years of yuck… well, let me just say that I am not looking forward to going down that road again. It’s a little off topic, I know… but prayers are appreciated for anyone with room left on their prayer list that my Girly Pie does not share the same faulty genetics that her big brother Finny and her Daddy (and her paternal Grandma… the list goes on…) have with a really bad ear history. I just don’t know if I can take walking down that scary, pain-filled road again with another of my babies. But God’s will be done.. not mine.

Ok. Moving on. It might not even be an infection, after all. ;o)

So back to the point. The point is… Advent. It’s fun. It surely has brought us closer together as a family and made for some really great memories for us all. We made more time to study God’s word and really got a lot out of that part of the season… but we also just enjoyed the family tradition side of Christmas, too. And as much as I want my children to know the true meaning of Christmas, I do want them to really have a lot of memories of family time and fun, too. So we may not be the biggest shoppers this time of year, and we may also not be completely focused on Jesus’ birth in every activity that we do, either… but on the whole, it has been a really wonderful thing for our family.

And if you haven’t done something like this before, maybe you can give it a try this year. I don’t have time tonight to hyperlink all the resources I have used, but I’ll gladly pass along links that anyone requests in the comments area.

So Merry Christmas to all… and Happy Adventing, too.

My Days...

Boy. It seems like it was so easy for a while there to find time for myself. And now all of the sudden it takes a whole lot more work to get everything just right so that all four of my kiddos are quiet and contained and I have moment alone.

Mind you, I'm not complaining. In fact I've quite enjoyed my busier time of really being in the moment with my family. We're doing more fun stuff with school as the year moves along, which I know my bigger boys both enjoy. Goose is starting little bits of preschool stuff, too. He loves numbers right now so I'm trying to take time here and there to go do some fun counting and manipulative work with numbers. He loves it when I can carve out the time. It's far from daily though. I'm working on that. And Girly Pie is at that really fun interactive stage at six months. she's still not crawling or sitting up on her own, but she can roll across quite a large space, and will soon (I'd bet within a week) figure out that she can span a room to get where she wants to go. So I'm just busier with her drinking in all the cuteness and fun of one of the most pleasant stages of childhood, I think. She really is in that "golden age" of babyhood. She's all smiles and sweetness, and she really can light up a room just by being in it right now. So when she's awake, it's much harder for me to just plunk her in my lap and type away. I just can't ignore that girl! She's irresistible right now!

And in a perfect world I would really be on top of keeping a better schedule. I've read Managers of Their Homes and while I agree that having a schedule is ideal, I have yet to manage my home as efficiently as the author of the book seems to. I think I am more of a routine person than a schedule person.

So are you curious about what our routine is? I'm happy to share it. It's a fluid thing, but we are beginning to see the real routine of life with four children 6 and younger take shape... Here's what a typical weekday looks like around here, barring any outings, sickness, temper tantrums, potty disasters, visitors or other such unexpected interruptions (so you can imagine that it's not exactly a constant thing! But we're working on it!):

6am: I wake (new to me... just trying the early rise thing... it works great when I have the will power to get out of my warm bed!) and heads downstairs for what Bible reading and quiet time with the Lord I can find. Girly Pie is often awake with me at this point, but sometimes she still dozes in bed with her Daddy.

6:30-7am: Boys start waking up and tumbling downstairs. They generally start the day off with free play time for a bit.

7-7:30-ish am: Big boys work on their daily chores while I prepare breakfast and tend to Girly Pie. Daddy is up and Goose is most likely following him around as he prepares for his work day.

7:30-8-ish am: We eat breakfast together and kiss Daddy goodbye as he heads out for the day around 8 (unless it's the busy time of year, at which time he's gone before most of the kids are up).

8-9 or 9:30am: Boys finish any lingering chores and Punky whips out two pages in both his Singapore Math book and his Spectrum reading comprehension workbook before their free time starts. Most days (when our ancient computer is cooperating with its failing sound card) Punky will do some online learning programs to supplement his math and spelling skills at this time, too. Goose plays on his own for the most part during this time and he flits in and out of my routine and the big boys' free play as I go about my morning chores. Girly Pie is usually in the Moby Wrap at this time or in her exersaucer or rolling around on the ground with toys. This is my work time and my free with the babies time of the day. Often, too, I will spend this time in the morning investing in the wonderful friendship that God has blessed me with in Mary Grace. I know it is a bit of a guilty pleasure to spend time on the phone in the morning. And we don't talk every single day. But more often than not we will check in with one another and talk about our day, our children, our faith, our husbands, our worries, our achievements and our failings... we support each other and laugh and cry together. And with nine kids between us at this point, all of whom are homeschooled, many of whom have various appointments for doctors, therapy, etc... it is just getting really darn hard to physically get together and enjoy each other's company. So that time in the morning I look at as fellowship and support. I do know that the actual routine and schedule of my days would go better if I spent that time more wisely... but I fear that my heart and my spirit would fade more quickly through the day if I did not spend that time with the friend God has blessed me with.

All that as a good excuse for chatting on the phone for an hour or so most mornings. Can you tell I feel just a little bit guilty for that indulgence? But it's worth it. ;o)

OK. Moving on.

9:30 or 10am: Girly Pie starts her morning nap and I get going on any handsfree school work I have planned with the boys. Often Goose does playdough or plays with his little diggers in a tray of rice at the table with us during any project time. On Fridays we usually bake something tasty during this time. Some days it's a craft, some days it's sit down lesson stuff. Some days we just play board games. Today I did some laundry and played battleship with Punky while a very cranky Goose watched a video and Finny floated between the two activities.

10:30 or 11am: Girly Pie's nap is wrapping up and the boys are revved up and ready for some free time, so usually Punky and Finny play Legos or dress up as knights or Egyptians or scuba divers... whatever we're doing in school or reading in our books at the time that inspires them... Goose will float with them or hang in the kitchen with me while I putter around and prepare lunch or tidy any messes left from our project or Goose's play time.

Usually we eat lunch around 12, give or take 30 minutes. up to this point in the day, the times really move around and some things take longer and others are skipped. I throw laundry in and out of the machines and fold in fits and starts when I can. Girly Pie is up or down at varied points, since I still have not pushed her to a strict sleeping schedule yet. Goose floats a ton in the mornings. I want to make the perfect time to have just mommy and Goose time... I'm working on that one.

12-1pm: At some point in here lunch is over, and I excuse Goose and myself upstairs while the big boys finish up their food and clear their places to have a few minutes of quiet free time downstairs. Goose still takes naps and we really enjoy the time of reading and snuggling while I get him ready for his nap. Girly Pie is usually with us, but she's happy to roll around on his bed and chew on his toys while we read.

12-1p: Still in the window of time but after goose is down for nap, I try to tidy the kitchen from lunch, but often just skip it for now. This is when we begin our Goose-free school stuff that really takes my (mostly) full attention. We read our Sonlight books during this time... We all enjoy this part of the day, though I admit it is definitely the most time consuming part of school for us. Often we'll skip basics even, like Punky reading his own books, for the sake of reading our Sonlight stuff. But many days he does get to read on his own to me, and I think it's OK for now that he's not reading books daily. He reads something in his morning workbooks daily and often will finds something on his own throughout the day. Right now we are reading Jack Plank Tells Tales together, taking turns reading paragraphs. It's a very cute book. I'd recommend it so far. For Sonlight right now we are still working on Egypt. Our projects have included building several kinds of pyramids and making sledges to see how simple machines aided in the construction of the real pyramids. I need to get a raw chicken leg so we can try to mummify it later this week. When I came down from putting Girly Pie down for her nap today, my boys were role playing something unfamiliar... it involved swords made of Zoobs of course... but the costumes were new as was what I could catch from the plot. They were playing Egypt. Only it was kind of like Tarzan and Swiss Family Robinson. Only not really. Anyway, take 4 and 6 year old boys, just enough knowedge of history to be dangerous, some plastic construction toy weapons, a bucket full of random dressup items and a healthy lust for certain Disney films... and voila! You get my family!

1:30-2 pm: At this point I am usually finished with our school reading time and Goose is still sleeping. Girly Pie is usually ready for her second nap now (if she's not already sleeping) and if I can manage just right... I can scoot the big boys upstairs to their shared bedroom and put on a book on CD for them and they begin their 90 minute rest (the CD player is set on a timer and clicks off after 90 minutes). They start out in their beds with a quiet activity (reading, coloring, resting...) and after a set number of chapters they are allowed to play quietly together in their room. They usually choose a combination of Lincoln Logs, Playmobil "guys," other characters and some home made wooden toys and play castles or pirates or Egypt... that sort of thing. I think it's one of their favorite times of day. And they have heard some great stories on CD, too. Usually something like a Little House book or one of the Freddy the Pig books, some Magic Treehouse, some A.A. Milne, a bit of Hank the Cowdog, Mr. Popper's Penguins... and a ton more. And if it's all just perfect... that is when I have all four of them happy, quiet and occupied... and that is when I get to sit here and post this (like right now.)

I also pay bills at this point, or make business calls or set up appointments, or plan some school or finish cleaning up the kitchen from lunch. Sometimes I will indulge in a catnap, but that is rare at this point.

by 3 or 4, depending on the day, everyone is up and moving from our daily rest time. The afternoons are mostly free, and I get to spend more time with Goose or play games with the bigger boys if we missed that earlier. This is when we go outside if weather allows.

4:30-ish: This is when I usually start dinner prep, or at least figure out exactly what I'm feeding the troops if it's a usual week and I've once again managed to forget to plan meals for the week. Tonight it's ranch chicken and stuffing. Unless my hubby tries to bring home Thai food for a grown up date night later in which case the kids get corn dogs while we have a family movie night. We'll see. I'm waiting on the call from him that will dictate when he's home and what plan he picks. His call, not mine. Finny sets the table for dinner. Girly Pie floats in the Moby or exersaucer, Goose plays with the big boys.

5:30 pm: Family dinner time. Daddy is home, food is hot and ready. We always eat dinner together and though it is something I take for granted at times, I do feel very blessed to be able to count on that almost every night for the vast majority of the year.

6-6:30 pm: Dinner wraps up. Punky clears the table, Finny and Goose run upstairs. If it's not a bath night, they all get in jammies and have some train table time in their rooms for a bit. If it's bath night then play time gets skipped.

7-7:30 pm: Daddy and Goose do bedtime routine together in Goose's room while I read with Punky and Finny in their room. Girly Pie rolls around on the floor and chews on their wooden train tracks or blows on the toy kazoo (it's so cute to see a six month old play a kazoo. She's brilliant, I tell you!).

7:30-10 pm: Kids are down, baby is still up until 9 usually, hubby and I wrap up work stuff (I will catch up on emails or organize school stuff, he will finish up business calls or emails that were missed in the work day) and then start whatever evening activity is in store for us. On Tuesdays and Thursdays I do my best to work at real school planning or cleaning up and organizing my desk and office (where all the school stuff tends to pile up and never get sorted out). Other evenings are pretty much free and we usually read a book together or watch a movie, or we just hang out. Some nights we fritter away wasting time on email or the computer. I don't like those nights as much, but my hubby and I are both putterers, so it does happen more often than I'd like.

So there is the basic rundown of my day. Like I said, it's all fluid still. But it's looking pretty consistent within that framework. My goals include making more school planning time, and making more efforts for one on one time each day with each child. But with four of them, I may not get complete one on one with each of them each day... but we get lots of little snippets here and there, and lots of Mommy and a couple of kids time.

So I've typed too long and Girly Pie is waking up. So up I go to rescue her from her nap. And then on to the afternoon of our day. I wonder what we'll do this afternoon... I'm thinking making something tasty. I'm hungry for a sweet something. Wonder if those boys are up for baking?

I've been quiet, but...

...I'm still here!

I've been busy with school, four beautiful babies, time with my amazing husband, keeping up with dear friends and lots of appointments for my kiddos...

But I'm still here. I'll write a real post soon. But tonight I have a date to hang out with my husband, so I am going to go and do that.

By the way, I'm working on the 30-Day Challenge. It's a challenge to encourage my husband and see what growth can come from that in my faith and in our marriage. I learned of it from a blogger I follow, and she was kind enough to allow me to link to it for anyone else interested in trying the 30-Day Challenge out themselves. So if you want to learn more about the challenge or about Meghann and her beautiful family, go to her blog and check them out.

I plan to write more soon about the 30-Day Challenge, as well as about our school time and discipline with my children, sensory issues we're learning about with one of our boys, teeth for Girly Pie, Christmas and Advent planning and activities and just general day to day stuff like that. But again, as I said, I've got a date with my Man.

So off I go to enjoy his wonderful company. I can't wait to carve out a few minutes to write about some of the wonderful things floating around in my heart and mind of late.

Oh, and just so you all know... my Girly Pie turned six months old this weekend! Wow. Time does fly.

Blue

I'm a little blue today. I just have days where it all seems so fleeting. I love this time, my children so small and still needing me so much. I love this time in life, this season. The vast majority of the time I feel so blessed in this day that I do not look ahead to tomorrow, when the unknown will come. But I have days now and then where I let the fears of tomorrow creep in and whisper in my ear.

Today and yesterday have been like that I guess.


Will it be OK when my kids are grown and don't need me anymore? Will I know who I am then? Can I be someone besides Punky, Finny, Goose and Girly Pie's mom?


I don’t know.


But I'll get over it. By the end of today I'll be right back in Psalm 118:24... This is the day the LORD has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it.

But for the moment, I'm wondering about tomorrow and being a little sad for the yesterdays gone by.

My Finny will be five in January, you know. I'm not ready for that one to get big, I think. He's my soft spot. I can't imagine a world without a Little Finny in it. But that world is creeping up on me so much faster than I am ready for. He'll be big soon enough. His cute little toddler and preschooler ways will fade away and the bigger, older, more mature Finny will take that place.

So I am just fighting the natural progression of things today.

Anyway. Not sure why I shared all that. Maybe you understand. Maybe not. I know I cherish these young years a lot, possibly more than most people. So maybe it is easier for some as their babies grow into children and finally adults. But for me, it's tough to let them go. And I homeschool, so it's not even like they're physically going anywhere! ;o) It's just hard sometimes to watch who they were disappear as who they were created to be takes shape, you know?

OK, enough of that. Off I go to bake brownies with my biggest boy. Our Friday baking time together. Time to just soak in all of today that I can.

Brotherly Love

I find myself wondering today just how much of an effect our family dynamic will have on our children as they grow into adulthood.

We have four small children, all two years apart, give or take. Each time we have added a new person to our family, each of the older siblings has taken it completely in stride. We’ve never had the sibling jealousy or any acting out by older kids as the new baby takes on the new role of baby of the house. I’ve heard that there can be issues in families when new babies come, but we’ve never dealt with that in any tangible way ourselves. Our new babies are always loved, the bigger kids shuffle a bit to find a new comfortable spot to fill, and we all just move forward together. I just take for granted, I suppose, that my children will love one another and that they will enjoy each other’s company and get along well.

Now of course they have their bickering moments, even their weeks or months of a certain pair of children not getting along too terribly well, but those times are few and far between and are always short lived.

So in all my wonderings, it is more about how they are TOGETHER that fills my mind. I’ve not really taken the time to look at how they will do APART from one another. Today, I got to see just a glimpse of that side of the multiple sibling coin.

Today, four of our six family members needed to see the dentist. The two big boys needed basic checkups, and my Man and I needed some more extensive examinations done to look at what damage we’d done in our young adult lives of neglectful brushing and flossing. We knew that with all four of us getting checked, it would be a long visit. Girly Pie is still nursing full time and she is also very happy to be along for the ride, so we happily brought her along. But, being blessed to live close to a wonderful family we full trust with out children, we decided that leaving two year old Goose behind was the best plan.

If any of you have two year olds, you may understand this decision. Goose is a delight, full of life and energy and personality in spades. He’s got a wonderful sense of humor for such a wee fellow and he really is a hoot to be around.

All that being said, he’s not one who can be counted on to be anywhere near still or quiet for more than a few minutes. And he's as unpredictable as heck, that one.

So we left Goose with my best friend Mary Grace, figuring he’d play all day with his best bud Oliver and he’d be happy as a clam. We rarely leave our kids with anyone, but Mary Grace was there for Goose’s birth. She’s changed his diapers, wiped his snotty nose, held him, hugged him and loved him for his whole little life. I knew he was in good hands and I thought he’d have a great day.

Apparently, I was wrong.

When I called MG after our appointments were over (about 4 hours after we dropped Goose off at her house) she said in the most PC way possible that he had not been “happy.” By not happy, what she really meant was that he had thrown a complete toddler meltdown fit when he realized I was gone, then continued to spend the majority of the morning clinging ferociously to Oliver’s toys and hording them into corners to avoid anyone taking them away. He apparently demanded snacks in a most un-Benny-approved way (of course at our house he knows to ask nicely, but at a friend’s house he points and yells for the desired banana, then drops to the floor in a temper when asked to say it nicely) and was pretty well a grump for any part of the day that was not punctuated with either Diego or The Wiggles.

Now, Goose is temperamental at times, I’ll admit. He is two years old, and boy, can he be a two year old! That child is thoroughly testing our patience and calm these days, in between wooing us with his utter charm and cuteness. He’s just so full of… I can’t even think of the words to describe it. He’s just FULL. His cup runneth over with just about everything you can put in it. ;o)
But today he really was in a good mood. And normally when he’s around other people, particularly people he likes like MG and crew, he’s just a delight. So in talking about his out of character behavior at her house today, she and I both realized that it was most likely the lack of his big brothers that pushed him over the edge, so to speak.

Goose came into this world with a loving mother and father, and two adoring older brothers. He has never known a world without Punky and Finny. Anywhere that boy goes, he goes with a whole crew of peers right by his side. If he’s sad, Punky knows how to help him. If he’s lonely, Finny is always happy to sit with him and play side by side. If he’s feeling unsure about anything, they give him the confidence to get him through, even when Mommy or Daddy are not within arms reach to do for him what we did for Punky and even Finny when they were smaller. His world is not really just his own. Everything he experiences is colored by having his brothers there with him. So today, when Mommy wasn’t there, he also didn’t have big brothers to look to for reassurance that he was OK. He couldn’t see them playing happily, thus feel confident that everything was indeed fine. It was like a part of his own body was missing today. So even though he was in a place he normally finds very comfortable with people he knows almost as well as his own family, he just wasn’t himself… because as far as he was concerned, not all of himself was there.

So all this to say, I wonder if that will make up a part of who Goose is as an adult. Will he ever really feel happy to be alone? Will he feel incomplete when he and his brothers begin to go out into the world separately as young adult men? Will he lack coping skills that others might develop, simply because he has learned to just look to his brothers to cope with difficult situations?

So I just wonder. Mostly I feel like it’s all good. I feel like the bonds they are making will be wonderful over the years. My children will have hard times in their lives just the same as anyone else. And I think that the fact that they will have each other to lean on in those hard times is a huge gift. There may be a cost, but in the end, I feel it will be well worth any cost they might find.

And, when it comes right down to it, I suppose there is not really much I can do about it anyway. Our family is what it is. And I wouldn’t want to change it even if I could.

I guess next time I need to leave Goose behind for some reason, I just need to leave a big brother (or two) behind, as well. ;o)

Love.

Biblically speaking, Love is much more of an act than a feeling. It is so easy to say “I love you” to somebody, but it really is so much more difficult to SHOW “I love you” to very many people at all.

Today, I find myself struggling to show Love to, of all people, my two year old Goose.

According to Paul in 1 Corinthians, Love should be patient and kind. It is not proud or rude, nor is it self seeking. Love is not easily angered, keeps no record of wrongs, and never fails.

Now, do I love my Goose? Absolutely without a doubt and with all my heart. I feel love for him more than I can find words to express. But do I actively show Love to Goose? Well, today I think I am doing a decent job, but I have to say I am working exceptionally hard to do so.

Let me just give you a little glimpse into a day in Benny's house when Goose decides to try on the full superhero suit for Toddler Man…

First, Goose wakes up in a delightful mood, full of vim and vinegar, ready to take on the world. He gleefully chants “MOMMY!” as Daddy carries him into our room while Girly Pie and I come to consciousness a few minutes before the sun actually rises. He kisses and hugs me and joyfully embraces his baby sister. He is all sunshine and roses.

Then, something goes wrong.

At some point between waking up and eating breakfast, the little imaginary devil on the toddler’s shoulder starts whispering in his ear, “Uh oh, you’ve been way too cute and sweet today. Better not let them get too comfortable. Time to step up the drama a bit there, Bucko.”

And it’s like a switch flips.

Suddenly, it’s a day full of tantrums, potty accidents (and the kid has been clean and dry for ages, it’s come out of left field this week!), destroying brothers’ property, crying and yelling, refusing to comply with basic household expectations, knock down drag out fits over the nap he so desperately needs (and this kid NEVER throws fits over sleep. He LOVES sleep!). He takes himself out of time outs, he rips off his nap diaper, he throws his body around in fits of rage that would be frightening if I’d not already had two boys come and go through the throes of twodom. I do not have the words to describe it, but if you’ve ever had a two year old with any sort of defiant temperament, well, I’m sure you have an idea of what I mean.

And it all seems to come from nowhere. He could just choose to be cute, happy and content. Many days, he does. But today, not so much.

It really is just all a bit difficult to handle even under the best of circumstances. But throw in a four month old who through no fault of her own has to be set down and left alone at times (she can only do that gracefully so many times in one morning), and two bigger boys who are (thank the Lord) being oh so patient and quietly enjoying a morning FULL of free time… and, well, sometimes the expectations of the act of Love just feel like a bit much.

But, as a mom who does dearly Loves her boy, I am pleased to be able to say that as I look over the list of God’s definition of Love, I do believe I have been able to show him the Love I feel, even today.

I see how hard it must be for him. He has to share his mom with three other people. He has to go to the bathroom where we tell him to, he must go to nap when I decide, he can’t play with all the toys he sees because many of them are not even his, he can’t even get my lap to himself most of the time because there is a new little baby in it. Some days he’s happy to just enjoy life and smile through it all. Other days, he has to rebel against the Powers That Be (namely Me, since Daddy still seems to walk on water to that boy…) to try and stake his claim as an independent person who surely does not need a Mommy to do anything for him.

It really must be hard to be two. I can see it in his face. I can see how hard it is for him to have so little control, especially when he loses it completely in one of his epic tantrums.

But I can see it most when he finally succumbs to peace, and I hear the quiet in his room where only moments before there was screaming. When I open the door, and instead of finding him pounding on it like he had been, I see him in his bed where he has tucked himself in as best as he could, and is now calmly waiting with his head on his pillow, his binky (our first binky boy… I know it needs to go, but neither he nor Mom and Dad are ready to give it up just yet…) planted in his sweet soft lips, his thick brown hair wet with sweat and pushed back off of his forehead. And as he looks up at me with his big, tired eyes, a little shudder in his breath from all the crying, I can see how much better he feels now, because I am there.

After all that, after all his hard earned misery and after all that he can throw at me in a morning, he knows that when I walk back into that room I still Love him.

And that is why I do what I do. That is why I hold back the frustration and why I try so very hard not to raise my voice. That is why I stay and why I make sure that even when they are behaving terribly, that I tell them that I love them. Why I show them that I Love them.

I grew up with one wonderful, loving father who was there for me no matter what. And I grew up without a mother, because she chose to leave when I was just Goose’s age. And no matter how much my dad loved me and no matter how great he was, I always doubted his love as a child. I always suspected if I could do something bad enough to make my mom go, than I could do something bad enough to make him leave, too.

Now of course as an adult I know that I did not drive my mom away. I can’t say I have a close relationship with her at this point, but I always knew her and she stayed in my life, and I know I would not be who I am today if she had not played her part in that. I know that God’s hand was in it all.

But this I know only in hindsight.

And as I look at my babies, my four beautiful gifts from God, I know that I never, EVER want them to wonder if they might be able to do something “bad” enough that I might stop loving them.

So after his little soul had come back to peace and he was no longer fighting against the simple realities of life, Goose lay there in his bed looking up at me, wondering just what it was I might do. There are, after all, consequences in our house when you do things wrong. And I know he wondered if he was in trouble for losing control the way he did. He wondered what would happen when I saw the nap diaper he’d defiantly ripped off and thrown to the floor.

And of course, because I am his mom, and because I Love him, I did what any Loving mom would do. I smiled at him with eyes that were full of my Love, and I gently wiped the sweat off of his brow. I kissed his face in the little game we play (I’m going to kiss your… eyes! I’m going to kiss your… nose!). I told him how much I loved him and how I knew it was hard for him. I put his diaper back on (and he did not fight me this time) and I tucked him in right. I turned on his music and snuggled him up with his Blankie. I got him a sip of water and kissed him a few more times, and I gave him a really long hug, soft but sure, so he’d know how much I meant it (but wouldn’t feel confined, heaven forbid!) and I told him again that I Loved him.

And when I left his room, he was calm and at peace. And I know that he knew he was Loved.

And the coolest part? The coolest part is that THAT is how God loves US! No matter how "bad" we are, no matter how much we mess things up. That is the missing part of the puzzle that I did not have as a child when I wondered if my dad might go too. That unconditional love, the Love that not even all moms have for their own babies even when you think every mom should, that Love that never leaves, never fails, never ever falters even a little bit. I am glad that I can give my children just a taste of that now when they are young, just like my dad did with me when I was little. And I pray that as they grow, they do know God’s Love that way, too. I hope they can see God’s Love in their dad and in me. I hope they can pass it on to their own families someday.

And, to be honest, I just hope Goose is happy tomorrow. I can do this for days on end. But boy, is it tiring. I think we could both use a happy, smiley day full of hugs, games, smiles and laughing.

But, if not, I've got plenty more Love to give. Because I've been given so much Love myself.

One of those weeks...

Have you ever felt like this? A little, shall we say, overloaded?




Well that donkey you see, the one hanging up in the air with all his burdens keeping him dangling up there? Yeah, that's me this week as we try to work our way into a somewhat workable schedule of homeschooling with four children six years and under.

And here is what you would find if you were to peak inside those packages on my cart:

Homeschooling first grade. Four children. Pre-school. Two year old toddler. Four month old baby. Unlimited curriculum choices. Laundry. Cooking. Meal planning. House cleaning. Character training. Christ following. Supporting friends. Walking alongside my husband. Reading. Planning. Soccer. Awana. Kisses & hugs. Time with the Lord. Church. Cookie baking. Emailing. Telling stories. Mediating disputes between siblings. Researching. Dish washing. More laundry. Field trips. Diapers to change. Diapers to wash. Potty accidents. Shopping. Decorating. Organizing...

...and that is just what's in the first box or two.

Deep breath.

This is where I am so very glad that God knows what to do, because it's clear that I do not. I have an awful lot to do each day, and an awful lot to be held accountable for. I want to educate my children well, but I want to raise them up to be good people even more. I want them to know and love Jesus, to follow His lead in their lives, to love others and to live a life according to His word. I want to see them storing up their treasure in heaven. And I do not want to lose sight of that greater goal as I work to make sure they are learning what they need to know to succeed in this world as well.

So I keep working through each day, trying to find a schedule that works for me and my four little ones. Just how is it that a woman is supposed to meet each need for four different people each day, and still be a good wife when her husband gets home at night? I know it's been done since the dawn of time. I just need to keep praying and keep working to see just how God had it in mind for me to do it.

So there you go. The insecurities of a homeschooling mom of four young 'uns. But, when I really do take life as God says to in Psalm 118:24, it really isn't so hard at all. It's only when I step back and try to figure out the whole "cartload" that I get overwhelmed and stuck. So I guess I'll just go back to His way and call it good. I just need to carry a few boxes at a time, and leave the rest until I am better able to carry them.

And in the mean time, I've got a billion little kisses to collect and a zillion happy smiles to soak up.

Man, God really is good. Even in just writing it all out here my thoughts have gone from "all I HAVE to DO" to "all I GET to HAVE."

Well off I go now. I "GET" to go change over (yet) another load of laundry before bed tonight. ;o)

Quality time

Isn't it funny how your perspective changes with age? And have you noticed how your perspective changes even more as the number of children in your family increases?

I only mention this random observation after an evening spent with only two of my four children. Normally the post-dinner/bedtime routine is a bit of a blur.

Now don't get me wrong... bedtime is, as a general rule, one of my favorite times of day with my family. I love being the one to tuck my kids in each night and watch as the events of the day slip away into the comfort and security of their beds. I love peeking in on them as they doze off. After several years of nannying, I can tell you there is nothing sweeter than being the one who not only gets to go through the blessings as well as the hardships of each day, but also gets to be the final kiss, the last voice heard each night... and the first smile they see each morning.

But tonight, my Man was out running soccer practice with our big boys, Punky and Finny. While they were gone, it was just me, Goose and Girly Pie. And as I sat there in the relative quiet of the bathroom watching two comparatively small children splashing and smiling in the tub, I was amazed at the peace of it all... The quiet, the calm...

I remember when Finny was born how much busier things got going from one to two. I loved it... I adored watching the sibling relationship unfold. In fact I never really hit much transitioning trouble at all with the two of them. But I do remember things just being busier and I had to work a bit to have quiet moments with each of them.

But tonight, having two be half the normal number rather than double as it was years ago, it hit me how it's really my perspective, more than my children, that has changed. Those quiet moments are a little harder to come by with four small hearts looking to you to be filled up constantly through the day. But they are there, if I can just open my eyes and see them. So when they do appear, I have come to realize that I must take those moments and really enjoy them. Luxuriate in them.

So tonight, with just the younger set present, that is just what I did.

The two Littles enjoyed a long, coolish bath together. Then Goose and I got to read his favorite Truck book at a leisurely pace, lingering on each page and looking in detail at each large truck pictured. When he had to go potty, I actually got to sit there with him and keep him company the whole time (with the truck book, of course), a luxury that really only my first born ever really got to enjoy much in his life. We sang songs and played together. We brushed teeth like the big boys, and Goose even tried to spit like they do in the sink. Goose got to snuggle extra in his bed when I tucked him in, and he was quite happy and relaxed as I kissed him goodnight.

Then I got to go downstairs with a happy, wakeful girl who was so eager to give me her full ear-to-ear smile, with that heart melting sparkle in her sweet blue eyes. She clearly loved having my full, uninterrupted attention all to herself.

These are all moments that I get small tastes of throughout each day. But tonight I got the full meal deal with my two littlest ones.

And it was delicious.