Ponderings

I have had a headache for the past three days - and now as the day fades into night I am FINALLY beginning to feel a little more like my old self.

It's amazing what a few days straight of pain will do to a soul. By last night I was feeling completely defeated, discouraged - like a failure as a mother and wife, stretched beyond my means and falling pathetically short as a follower of Jesus. I went to bed knowing in my soul that all I believe is true and that I am truly blessed - but in my mind and heart I felt so broken I just felt like all of life is a burden too great for me to carry and I wondered how I would ever survive the next day, let alone the rest of my life. (I get BAD headaches... migraines in the past but they are usually controlled with a few minor trigger foods I need to avoid, and this three day whopper had me down on my knees more than once! Give me drug free labor at home any day - but a splitting headache? No thanks. I'm too much of a wimp for that!)

This morning was a little better, but I was bummed to wake up after a great night's sleep and as much acetaminophen as is safe to take during pregnancy with the "shadow" of my headache still there, knowing full well that an hour or two on my feet would bring it back full force. I was still down and depressed, still slugging through the gifts of my life. I got breakfast done and on the table. I kissed my Man goodbye. I carried the baby and directed the traffic of a full morning of chores and play. But my heart was nowhere near "in it."

And then this afternoon - after a morning full of wincing and enduring and even a bit of whimpering - my final snooze and one last desperate prayer for relief so that I could again do all that I am called to do seemed to do the trick. I got off the couch as Girly Pie woke up from her nap and I felt only the slightest twinge of reminiscent pain. I was free! The spell of my three day pseudo-migraine had finally been broken - and my spirit was full once again!

So I write all this not to complain about my pain, or even really to rejoice over the relief of the pain (though let me tell you there has been much rejoicing and praising!). I mention it to explain the thoughts that come to my mind when I go through something like this.

First of all, I always end a pain spree (or a stomach flu or high fever - any really miserable physical time) full of thanks to God for the relatively healthy body and life with which He has blessed me. It's so easy to take for grated the million and two times each day I bend down to kiss a short little bundle of cuteness - until I'm on the couch for a week unable to move due to back spasms (last December while pregnant with Little Bug). It's easy to gloss over the fact that I can prepare three + meals for and clean up after 6 loved ones in this house each day, all while homeschooling them and keeping up with a little one or two (or three...) - until I spend three days wishing I could just melt away in bed and feeling pity for these poor children that are doomed to call me their mother, knowing I am in no way giving them all the love and care they deserve. Every healthy day of my life there are an uncountable number of moments that I take for granted as just another part of life - healthy children to fill my arms and lap, a hard working husband who loves, cares and provides for us, the means to stay at home, the opportunity to homeschool, a body that can do all it needs to do and do it joyfully and easily. And in all honesty, not one of those moments should be taken for granted. Not one of those blessings should be overlooked or taken lightly. And yet they are. I am so blessed that I don't even know how blessed I am. And sadly, it takes a day or two of losing one of those blessings (physical health and comfort) to remind me just how precious each healthy day is.

And that leads me to my second point - how weak and frail my faith, hope and joy are. How strong of a Christian would I be if I lived in am impoverished country and got one square meal a week? What would my faith look like if I feared every day that my husband or my children could be killed (or worse)? What would it look like if I had to face the loss of my husband or one of my precious children? I am too weak to even endure three days of physical pain (and minor pain compared to many in the world at that) without doubting and feeling sorry for myself, falling short of what I am called to do and losing the joy I should have in each thing I am blessed to do.

It has been an afternoon of humbling thoughts as I ponder these things. I am glad to know that it was the pain and not actually my own heart that was feeling the doubts and worries and hopelessness that consumed my last few days. But it makes me wonder just how deep that faith is - how far would I trust God? I am thankful He has never fully tested me on that (and is it wrong to hope that He never does?), but I am ashamed to admit that this teeny tiny trial has me wondering. And it makes me feel for people with long term physical ailments, or depression (even postpartum depression - when you are in that fog you cannot see the light!) or other struggles. It's so easy to forget that your body, your health, your very mind are all gifts from God - and not to be taken for granted.

So there you go. The random ramblings of a pregnant woman coming off a few days of pain. ;o) I am feeling much better now, and once again enjoying my husband, my children and my home. I again see God's gifts in my life and want to follow whole-heartedly. This evening when I feel this newest little Gift wiggling away in my belly I can feel the thrill of knowing we have been blessed with a new life and we will get to welcome a new little person into our home in a few months - rather than feeling the wiggle and wondering just how on earth I'll ever manage with six children, two of which only 13 1/2 months apart (yes - that's how miserable I was!).

So off I go to enjoy a movie with my Hubby and then to sleep off the last remnants of this headache. Thank you Lord for my life, and for healing. Thank you for the perspective check. And for the grace and love You show to look past my weaknesses, no matter how big and blaring they may be.

Because sometimes we forget...

...just exactly how much God does hold in His hands.

He has us, and all that surrounds us, firmly in His grasp.

We're going to be OK. And Mary Grace, yes, I'm talking to you. ;o)

My day

Today I have:

• showered
• made 5 beds (usually my boys make their own but it was an act of love on my part this morning)
• served breakfast to my family
• done several therapy activity sessions with Finny
• spent no less than 40 minutes in the bathroom with Girly Pie
• spent about 20 minutes in the bathroom (again!) reading stories to Goose for some, uh, quality (stinky) time
• washed two loads of laundry
• changed no fewer than 6 pairs of wet undies and pants
• overseen Punky's first efforts at typing a letter on the computer, to a missionary for his Awana work (how cute is it when you see the word "question" spelled "kwesthin" - even if it does mean a life of spelling trouble ahead for my boy!?)
• cut up and served 3 apples and a pear
• prepared and served lunch to the crew
• read a daily devotional with the boys
• done a quick pop-quiz style math drill at the lunch table with the boys, who were both very impressive in their skills
• presented my precious Finny with his very own real Bible
• read to Finny from said real Bible
• played TONS with Girly Pie
• cleaned two raw eggs up off of the kitchen floor (such a gross job!)
• tucked one little girl in for nap
• settled three sweet boys down for rest
• done Jesse Tree ornaments and readings with my three boys
• eaten food myself three times already today (if you know me IRL you know that's an accomplishment for me!)
• looked through old photos of myself and my Hubby with the kids
• done math with Finny
• been blindfolded by Finny and led by his sweet hand in mine (Punky later took my other hand to assure that his mother would make the trip unscathed) up the stairs to my room, where I found the gift of a stuffed animal and a picture drawn, just for me
• disciplined three little boys for their complete lack of obedience
• laughed inside at the sweet sight of all three of my sons squeezed in, sitting cheek to cheek on the bottom step for a triple time-out, looking up at me with their best "I'm in for it now" faces - all so different, yet all so similar
• watched as all three boys did a complete 180 and became the best listening, most obedient children ever
• praised the Lord for His immense blessings
• begged the Lord for just a little more patience and some guidance
• thanked the Lord for my husband and the recent renewal of our relationship
• cleaned up way too many toys

Still in the plans for the day:

• get dough going for Pizza Night
• decorate our Christmas tree with the kids
• make Fruit Loop garland for said tree
• make homemade pizzas for dinner
• eat said pizza with my family as we enjoy our weekly Friday Night Pizza and Movie night together
• go for an after dinner walk in the brisk cold of the dark evening air with my Man and our children so we can all enjoy the sites of the Christmas lights brightening up our neighborhood
• tuck a few kids into their warm beds for a night of sweet sleep
• enjoy my husband as we sit back after the long, full, blessed day and just bask in the glow of the life we are so blessed to lead.

What Do I Know of Holy?

I heard this song tonight and I was left speechless by the truth I found in it. I felt convicted, comforted, helpless and encouraged all at the same time.

What Do I Know of Holy by Addison Road

I wish I knew how to make a fancy direct link to the YouTube video with the preview pane in my post, but I am pretty sure if you click the link above it will still work.

And here are the lyrics (emphasis mine)... powerful stuff to me tonight.

What Do I Know of Holy?

by Addison Road

I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?
I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life it's name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?

What, indeed, do I really know of Holy? Of Yahweh who created everything from the oceans to the stars to web weaving spiders and light and color and the human eyeball? What indeed do I know of Him?

Some days I think maybe I act like I have it all figured out. Yes, I know God will still mold and shape me. But I know Him. I have found Him. I know the Truth. So I'm good, right? We're good buds, God and me.

But what, really, do I know of Him?

Tonight I am left wondering that...

Time

Time.

60 seconds in a minute. 60 minutes in an hour. 24 hours in a day. 7 days in a week. 52 weeks in a year.

It is what it is and it doesn't change – at least it hasn't in my lifetime.

And yet, it can feel so very different from one day, one month, one season to the next. Some days you wonder how you will ever make it to dinner time, and other days suddenly it’s 20 minutes past your normal dinner hour and you look up and wonder in amazement, “Where did the day go?”

A few weeks back I felt like I had so very, very much to do and so very, VERY little time in which to do it all. I felt robbed of all that I wanted to do and overwhelmed with all I HAD to do. It was a funny mix of “Where did the day go, I’ve hardly done a THING!?” and “How can I possibly survive until my Hubby gets home? This day is taking forever!”

A few months from now, I may very well be back in that same spot. But right now, at least for the past two weeks or so, I suddenly see so much potential for my time, and suddenly it seems everything is falling neatly into place each day.

Suddenly, the time I have been blessed with each day seems perfectly matched to the tasks which lay before me.

Right now, in this particular stretch of time (and I can only pray this “stretch” lasts for a LONG time!) everything lines up. And each moment of each day, from my always too-early seeming wake up to my always too-late feeling plop into bed, feels rewarding, challenging, fun and... right where I want to be.

I know most of the difference is my own perspective and attitude. Honestly, since Girly Pie’s emergency room adventure a couple of weeks back, my eyes have definitely been on my Maker to take care of me and carry me through my struggles rather than on my own lack of ability to get through them. My eyes have also been back on Him with an attitude of thanks for the blessings I have been given, rather my view of my blessings being blocked by the obstacles of life and my own negativity and fears.

And I’m pretty sure that just that shift of focus has made the most difference in how I have felt since then. I feel God has blessed that shift in focus back to Him. I'm looking back where He wanted me to look, and I do feel He's pleased with that.

There is something else though, too. In addition to changing where my focus is (or maybe because of that change?) I’ve also felt more driven and inspired in working out a daily routine that better fits our family’s needs.

I’ve tried and failed so many times before at schedules and routinesmore times that I care to count let alone admit out loud. Really, to tell the truth, I hate schedules. I go into them kicking and screaming, and usually run right back out the same way. And there is absolutely no guarantee that this time will be any different.

But, at least for the moment, this time does feel different. This time, I really can feel God's hand in how our days are going. I actually feel like He gave me the the inspiration I have been desperately seeking and revealed to me how He knew our days would best be spent.

I can see my days in chunks and I know what will fill those chunks. I have been shown what has been lacking, and those gaps are being filled daily now. I feel guided and structured, but not restricted and confined.

Sure, I have much less “me time” than I did before, but somehow the time I do find to be free and mine is getting better used and I appreciate it more. Instead of sneaking in little snippets here and there at the computer or at finishing the smaller tasks around the house left undone, I see now how I was taking away from the more important things I want to do each day. I also see that while I was constantly multi tasking every moment of every day, I was never really fully in any given moment or task. I was always only semi-present. And so I missed the joy in most of what I did.

And now I am so very much enjoying my days, even though I am doing so much more than I was before! And yet, I feel like I have MORE time than I did before.

It's amazing really.

Maybe I’ll post the skeleton of my daily schedule/routine another day, but the meat and potatoes of the plan is not really my point today. My point is just that time never really does change, but what you do with it, and the attitude and perspective you have during the time you are blessed with, really does make a huge difference in how your time is passed, and in how you feel in each moment you have.

Or at least that’s my thought on the matter. For the moment, anyway.

What are little girls made of?

Sugar and spice and everything nice.

... Oh, and ER visits, too.

So I got to spend my first day in an ER today - and it was not with one of my three sons. It was with my little Girly Pie. I've heard many a rumor that girls are docile, calm and still. But not my sweet Girly Pie. She is sweet for sure, and definitely has her daintier qualities. But she is not anywhere near still. She's been a climber since before she could walk, and has given me more than my fair share of scares over the past months of her increasing mobility.

But this morning when she fell and bumped her lip on a small child's bench we keep at our little kid's table, she hardly cried at all, and I never would have thought twice about such a simple stumble.

Except for the fact that there was blood everywhere and her lip had a nasty looking flap of skin hanging off of it.

Looking at it I suspected immediately that it would need something - stitches, skin glue, something like that. I called Mary Grace to confirm my suspicions (I didn't want to be too paranoid, after all lip wounds can look much worse than they really are) and then set to work trying to figure out just what to do.

The really cool thing was that God's hand was all over the day. For a start, my Hubby has Mondays off from field work and he works at home doing phone and office stuff, so I had the flexibility to just go with Girly Pie and not have to worry about who could watch my three boys, or about taking them along and dividing up the attention that I was sure a sad little girl would need fully. And from there, the little twists and turns of the day just led more and more directly to exactly where God knew we needed to go.

Our new insurance is apparently not accepted by our current doctor's office - a fact we just found out this morning when I called to find out if they could squeeze her in for a look. I have never much liked the whole office, and really the only reason we have remained is that it is only 25 minutes away and all the other docs are 40 minutes or more. But I always second guess their thoughts and we never have really been on the same wavelength. So I called my good friend E. who uses the same insurance and has always said wonderful things about their pediatrician. She quickly gave me the number, and off I drove with Girly Pie, waiting on hold on my cell as I headed that direction and going on faith that they would make room for her ASAP. Sure enough, even though the wonderful doc didn't have any openings until 5pm, they made room for Girly Pie right as we arrived at 10am. The new doc was WONDERFUL. I know that I would not have appreciated my old doc's advice as much as Dr. Wonderful's, and he was so sweet with Girly Pie, and so thorough with his exam. He was gentle with her and explained to me the severity of the injury.

Now I will pause in the story here to point out that Girly was not crying during all this time. The fall was minor, the bleeding had stopped, and aside from missing her morning nap, she was really not fazed at all by the whole ordeal of the actual injury. (another small miracle for the day!) So the doc told me all I needed to know, and said that since the cut was on the line between her actual lip and the skin below, and because it was so close to the crack where upper and lower lips meet, it was just a really hard place to stitch up. He saw she did indeed need stitches, but he knew his office was not equipped to do such a delicate job on such a small, and uncooperative, patient.

So we were sent to the Children's Hospital in Seattle, over an hour from our home. He said we could go to others nearer, but that Children’s would be the best equipped to do such a delicate procedure on one so young.

So off we went. Again, this doc's demeanor and his kindness and gentleness with both my girl and this worried momma were so comforting, and I really did trust his opinion. I really see God's hand in the insurance thing sending us away from our other office to this one.

So eventually (after so very much waiting and talking and looking and waiting…) Girly Pie was given a bit of a loopy drug, the name of which eludes me at the moment, to lessen her reaction to being messed with and to make her forget the whole ordeal when it was over. She was definitely happier after the drug - she had been horrified up to that point by anyone even looking at her or taking her pulse, let alone sticking needles in her face! But even with the happy juice, she fought like crazy when they tried to wrap her up in the blanket to do the procedure. She was numb and a little sedated, but still fully conscious - and fully ticked off to be so rudely messed with.

Poor thing.

So as if that wasn't bad enough, after I was finally able to hold her again and calm her down, while she was sucking on a popsicle BOTH of her stitches popped out.

So they had to do it AGAIN.

That is the point at which, as her Mommy, it really got hard for me. I had already told her we were all done, she was in my arms and ready to go. But that wound just opened right back up, and aside from just not wanting her to have a big scar on her face for the rest of her life, I just could not imagine how the healing process would go with such a big, floppy wound.

So I agreed to try it one more time, stating that if these new stitches failed that we were done and she was just meant to have a scar.

So they did it again. They used a heavier gauge suture, and did three stitches instead of two. And she fought even harder.

The hardest part for me though was not so much the fighting and crying. That was actually a good thing. I was glad to see her fighting and not just accepting such abuse. But when she plaintively called out "Mama! MAAAMAAA!" through that second procedure I just about lost it.

I just could not imagine how terrified she was in that moment, her head held down by strangers, bright lights in her face, her lip numb and her body reacting to a strange drug in her system that made her feel out of control. And when she called for the one person she trusts most in the world to help her - I couldn't. I couldn't help her, and I couldn’t stop the fear.

I just talked to her all through it and stroked and held what parts of her little body I could without disturbing the doctors, and I prayed like crazy. I prayed that God would give her peace and not let this be a scarring event in her life - emotionally, I mean. I could care less about the physical scar compared to that. And I prayed that she really would just forget the whole thing, and that it wouldn't be something that would really affect her as she grows.

So finally, long past when I ached to hold her, they finished the last stitch and I got to pick up my frightened, sweaty, exhausted little girl. And she really did calm down quickly. She did not like any of the hospital folks after that, though I can hardly blame her. But she was happy to be in my arms, and we went home shortly thereafter.

Girly Pie was asleep before we even got out of the parking lot, and slept like a rock for the whole hour + ride home. The poor girl had missed her usual naps and hadn't eaten since her very meager breakfast at 7:30 this morning. We left the ER at 3 in the afternoon.

But when she woke up, she was happy and snuggly and ready to get up and get to playing at home. She still wants to grab at her lip, which we of course are not supposed to let her do, but she is eating fine and as far as I can tell is not feeling any pain from the whole incident.

And though I can't tell for sure, I feel like my prayers really were answered, and Girly Pie seems to have forgotten the trauma of the ER today already. She has not been overly clingy or fearful, and she really has been her same old, adventurous self all evening. She has already given us several scares from climbing and trying to fall. I'm not super thrilled about the scares, but it's still a good sign that she's feeling like herself.

Sigh.

So that was my day. I had big plans for a mellow day at home, a bit of school and tidying up, maybe a trip to a park after her nap. But God had other plans for our day.

And really, aside from the pain of watching her through that second procedure as she called for me - and thinking about just how terrified and awful she was feeling in that moment - through the whole day I was so aware of God's gifts for the day. I never had those thoughts of "If only she hadn't fallen!" I was so focused on being thankful that God had everything under control. The day was crazy, there were such hard moments, and nothing went as smoothly as it could have. But the trouble with the doc's office ended up being a blessing. And the doc not being able to do the stitching was a blessing too. Can you imagine if they had tried in the office and failed? It would have been even more traumatic there, and then we would have had to go to the hospital in the end anyway, since the stitches clearly needed to be done in such a special way. And what if we had gone to our old doc and they had tried to do a less-than-the-best fix for her? I was just so thankful that God paved the whole day to get my girl, His girl, where she needed to go for the best care.

So today really was such a good reminder to me that stuff happens in life. There are no promises that we'll be protected from hardships. But God does make a way to get you through those hard times, and he makes sure you are carried safely to the other side.

Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him... (emphasis mine)

So today was a much needed perspective check, and I feel firmly kicked out of my little cave of worry over the things to come. I've been stuck here in neutral for a few weeks, wondering how to do all that I have to do, and feeling overwhelmed by all I feel I must do. But in all that, I lost sight of God's power to carry me through any hard times to come, and I lost focus on the gifts and blessings he has blessed me with along the way.

As our pastor recently said powerfully in a message about the young David in the Bible before he was king - I was like the other Israelites, focusing on the Giant - unlike David, who put his focus on the Giant Killer - God.

So today I am happily, joyfully, thankfully back where I belong. My eyes are on my Giant Killer. The giants of my life - the duties, the fears, the sensory disorders, the responsibilities, the worries of failing those I love the most – will no longer receive my utmost attention. God, the defender of us all, the slayer of all of life's Giants, is where my eyes are pointed once again.

And I never would have thought He would remind me of that simple truth by walking me through a day of trauma and pain in my baby girl's life. But He does indeed work in mysterious ways. And my baby is safe and happy and sleeping soundly in her bed.

I have nothing in the whole world to complain about. I have only thanks to give this night.

Nine years later...

Nine years ago today I made a promise...

...to love, honor and cherish one man for the rest of my life.

I never dreamed I would be so blessed as I am today.

Nine years ago today I was a naive 20 year old young lady with a huge ego, big plans, a whole lot of control issues and no clue what life was really about.

Nine years ago today I thought I could make my husband into the Perfect Man...

Nine years ago today I thought I knew what the Perfect Man was.

Nine years ago today I did not know the Lord, nor did I consult Him in one of the biggest decisions of my life.

But over the past nine years, God has blessed me despite my ignorance and disobedience. Instead of letting me have what I really deserved - a life full of pain and trouble from going my way rather than seeking out His will - He has filled my life up beyond measure with gifts, love, peace, grace and family.

In His infinite wisdom God knew I would not be asking His will in my marriage, but He chose a wonderful man for me anyway. He knew I would not look to Him to plan our children - no, I knew much better than He did what kind of family I wanted, after all - but He still has blessed us four times over with beautiful children, true gifts from Him (which I now know, of course!).

God also knew I might not find Him on my own, so He blessed me along the way with a wonderful best friend and Christian mentor in Mary Grace who has patiently walked alongside me and has challenged me to grow in my faith and in my role as Godly wife to my husband.

And here I am today, still married to the man I thought I had chosen but now realize God had carefully picked out long before I was on the lookout. I am the mother to four beautiful children whom I did not earn or deserve, but somehow God trusted me to be their mother and to raise them alongside the husband he chose. I love and follow Jesus now in a way I not only never imagined, but sadly for many years of my life never even wanted.

So the point of all this is to say that nine years ago today, I was blessed to marry my husband. And he has loved me well through all of my faults and weaknesses, through my stubbornness and pride, my selfishness and blindness.

God has been patient and gentle with me over the years.. but He is, after all, God. He promises that and He never breaks His promises.

But my husband is just a man, like anyone else. And he too has weaknesses and faults. And though he made a promise to me nine years ago today, he is just a man and men are weak - there was no guarantee that beautiful June day that the promises he made to me would be kept.

But... through sickness and health, for richer or poorer, for better or worse... through all my pride, selfishness, stubbornness and blindness, my husband has indeed kept his promise. He has loved me and has taken care of me and has forgiven me more times than I care to think about.

So today, nine years down the road of the blessed marriage, I am thankful.

I am thankful to God for His presence and His blessings... and His grace and forgiveness, and for the man he provided in my husband.

And I am thankful to my husband for his love and his grace and forgiveness of my sins towards him. I am thankful to him for going to work each day and working twice as hard, just so that I can stay home and raise our children. I am thankful for his laugh and the twinkle in his eye. I am thankful for his silly fetish with cameras, because though I roll my eyes at the purchases, I do very much appreciate all the beautiful moments of our life captured on them. I am thankful for his BBQ skills and his un-picky eating habits and his mellow nature and his comfortable presence. I am thankful for the man he has become over the nine years of our marriage and the father I have watched him grow into over our seven + years of parenthood. I am thankful that he does the dishes more nights than not. I am thankful that he puts hours and hours into decorating our Christmas tree and our house with lights every Christmas, even though he doesn't care - just because he loves me and wants to make me happy. I am thankful that he embraces my Christian morals and the Christian raising of our family, even though he does not (yet) know the Lord as his personal savior.

So nine years later... I'm older, wiser, more humble and know a whole lot less than I thought I did way back then. Nine years later I realize I am not the wonderful woman I thought I was... and my husband is a much better man than I realized he was.

Happy Anniversary, My Love. Nine years. Thank you for loving me - no matter what.

Oh, and by the way... I love you, too. ;o)

Creation? Evolution? What does it matter, after all?

I may reveal myself as the totally uneducated and uninformed Christian that I am as I divulge the following information here… but I feel compelled to post this just on the off chance there might possibly be other people out there who know as little about the subject of evolution versus creation as I did.

Or maybe I might possibly offend you if you hold views other than those which are presented here.

But I’m willing to take that chance. Because I wish someone else had told me this stuff years ago.

So here goes.

I grew up in the government public school system and though I was raised with a basic Christian upbringing, I never really took the biblical account of creation as the whole truth. But I never really believed that we evolved from some cosmic sludge fifty bazillion years ago, either. As I went through school, I clearly recall the evolutionary model being presented as pure fact – just minus a few key missing links that the text books and scientists were sure to find sooner or later. Every museum I went to, ever book I read, every kids movie I watched, every dinosaur picture book I ever flipped through… it was all there in black and white… billions and billions of years ago, the earth was formed. Somehow, some way… we’re not quite sure how, maybe Big Bang, maybe something else. But that’s not important. But we do KNOW that the earth is gazillions of years old.

And as a Christian (sort of – but not quite scripturally raised) I just knew it wasn’t quite right. But it also seemed a bit farfetched to think that the earth was really created just 6000 years ago in six short days. I mean, the sun wasn’t created until day 4, so maybe a “day” could mean just about anything. And after all, scientists had PROVEN that the rocks on the earth were really, really old. So something wasn’t quite right.

And the whole world wide flood thing? Who knows? I mean maybe the Bible wasn’t LYING per se, but it could be figurative – or it could mean the whole local area of the world that was populated at that time in history.

So fast forward a decade or two and here I am, a full adult Christ follower since 2005, home educating mother of now four children. In my own path as an adult, Christ has revealed to me that the Bible is the truth. Period. I know I do not understand every word of it, and I know that there are parts that might be left out or hidden as part of God’s plan. But I do not believe the scripture is fallible. I just can’t buy that He’d leave behind his one and only physical connection to the generations of people to come after His time on earth and let it get so tainted that His people could be lost for the rest of eternity. It just is TRUE.

But I’ve still been stuck in the same old mindset. Is there a “gap” somewhere in the creation account? What happened between the time when God created Adam and Eve and the moment they ate of the fruit of knowledge of good and evil? Maybe billions of years did pass before they sinned.

But what it really has come down to for me over the past 4 years is that it didn’t matter. I don’t know it all. God does. And that’s OK with me. If He wants me to know just how and when He created everything on earth, He’d tell me when I get to heaven. I’m really OK with that. After all, science is science, and though the Bible must be true, I’m neither a biblical scholar nor a geologist. So I’ll just leave the “knowledge” to others and I’ll stick with faith. And when my kids ask, I can just tell them that no one really knows, even scientists, and it’s all just a guess. But the Bible does say it happened this way, so we can just go with that.

So here is the part where you may be thinking, “Man, what a dummy you are, Benny. Have you never picked up a creation science book or article? Do really not know how this whole thing works?” But bear with me here. This is going somewhere…

So I went to this great Christian homeschooling conference a month or so back and really got so much out of it just in hearing the speakers. But I also stumbled across the Answers in Genesis booth and spoke with a very fascinating man named Mike Riddle. He’s a scientist and a math whiz and a whole long list of other things… but in a nutshell, he’s a very smart and well educated guy.

And the nice Mr. Riddle has a very lovely pack of DVD’s that I ended up buying. I do not normally just buy things like that, but somehow it just felt like something our home needed. I’m not exactly sure what the name of the DVD series is called, and each of the six DVD’s has a different name. But basically it’s a whole set of DVD’s with tons of scientific support and evidence for God’s creation – and a whole lot of discrepancies and falsehoods brought forth in regards to the evolutionary model.

Did you catch that? There are actually major holes in the theory of evolution. MAJOR HOLES.

OK. So I could go on for pages and pages here. I mean there are six DVD’s all an hour+ long just in the one series I purchased. But I have been just awed and amazed at the amount of true scientific evidence supporting both the six day creation about 6000 years ago, as well as the Genesis flood, which would have been about 4000 years ago. Fossil formation. Faulty dating methods. Sea fossils found on mountain tops. Observable evidence from recent earthquakes, floods and volcanic eruptions that make in just days geological changes once thought to have taken thousands or millions of years. The list goes on and on.

My faith has been strengthened by just the two movies I’ve watched so far. And more than that… my husband, who I might have mentioned is not actually a believer, has really been enjoying the series. It has not proven anything to him, but it has really opened his eyes to some major untruths that have been presented as solid fact, and so far he has not been able to argue any of the points Mr. Riddle has made supporting scientific evidence for the Creation account. My Man has even said that if a created earth 6000 years ago were proven beyond doubt, that he would probably be a full believer. That evidence alone would be enough to make the whole rest of the Bible just be true for him.

That is the power that scientific evidence can hold to so many out there who have doubts about Christ and Yahweh the creator. And the DVD’s make so many good points about how Christians who show that same lack of understanding and faith in the creation account that I had can often undermine the faith, because people who do not yet believe see us as inconsistent… if we can’t even prove and support what our Bible says about how the earth was made, why and how can we believe any of it?

So anyway. This is the DVD set that I bought. And it was worth every penny of the $39.99 I spent on it – and I’ve only watched a third of the set so far! I just feel so happy to know that I do not have to disprove science to show that my God did make the world and that His Word is true. True science actually supports God’s creation. And I just think that’s so cool! And honestly, I’m a little peeved at the textbooks and schools that present everything else as hard, solid fact… when it’s really just as faith based as creation… they just have faith in time and chance, whereas we have Faith in a one true Creator of everything and everyone. I think I’ll take my chances on that Faith, thank-you-very-much. ;o)

Just do it

Colossians 3:12
Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.

Colossians 4:5-6
Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.

As you can see, I’ve been reading Colossians today. And boy, was in desperate need of that.

I’ve been struggling lately, and though I have found myself looking all around and pointing the finger at anyone I can to excuse my difficulties, I have not done so well when looking in the mirror.

Yes, I have been wronged by people. Yes, there are frustrating situations around me over which I have little to no control. Yes, other people sin constantly.

But that does not make it ok for me to sin, too.

And yes, I am human. Yes, I will fail repeatedly. Yes, perfection is a goal which I can never reach on my own, and even with Jesus’ help I’ll still never reach this side of heaven.

But that STILL does not make it ok for me to sin – and excuse it and feel justified in it.

And as I tell my kids on an almost daily basis, “It’s doesn’t matter what he did to you. You are not responsible for his actions. You are only responsible for your own actions.”

One other Bible verse has been ringing in my head for a couple of weeks now. And it’s one I’m sure we all struggle with from time to time.

Luke 6:41-43 "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,' when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.”

In short, I’m blindly stumbling around trying to find and remove specks form everyone’s eyes but my own – but I can’t see past the two-by-four sticking in my own eye to do the job properly.

So no more feeling pouty because my Man isn’t making me feel special enough. It’s time I just pour myself into being the very best wife that I can be to him, regardless of his efforts towards me.

No more lecturing my children on serving one another and working with a happy heart. It’s time to just serve them and work with my own happy heart and smiling face. I’m sure they’ll learn quicker by example than they will by my words.

No more looking down my nose at other parents for their lack of discipline with their children or their lack of wisdom in choosing the right path in how to school their family. It’s time to just look to the Lord and follow His lead in how He wants me to raise and teach my own children.

No more getting frustrated over my husband’s lukewarm approach to faith. He’s undecided, and there’s nothing I can do about that. I can however lose him to Christ forever if I continue to mope around when things don’t go my way. Why would anyone want to be part of a faith and belief system that turns out grumpy, unhappy folks who are always pestering and complaining, and pointing out all that everyone else does wrong? I know that was something that turned me off of Christianity before I became a believer. So it’s just time to live out the faith. All I can do is live with the joy of the Lord pouring out of me in every way possible.

It’s time to do as James 1:22 teaches and, “Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.”

And the thing is, I KNOW THIS STUFF. I do. Really. And I’ll tell anyone else I encounter all about it. But somehow I’ve missed the point for a while. I thought I was really living out my faith. And in many areas, I really am. But in many areas, I have been falling far short of the goal.

So it’s time to redouble my efforts to make a designated quiet time EVERY DAY to spend in the Word and with the Lord, seeking out His will for me in my life and in my actions. And then, once I’ve read His Word, I just need to do it.

One of those weeks...

Have you ever felt like this? A little, shall we say, overloaded?




Well that donkey you see, the one hanging up in the air with all his burdens keeping him dangling up there? Yeah, that's me this week as we try to work our way into a somewhat workable schedule of homeschooling with four children six years and under.

And here is what you would find if you were to peak inside those packages on my cart:

Homeschooling first grade. Four children. Pre-school. Two year old toddler. Four month old baby. Unlimited curriculum choices. Laundry. Cooking. Meal planning. House cleaning. Character training. Christ following. Supporting friends. Walking alongside my husband. Reading. Planning. Soccer. Awana. Kisses & hugs. Time with the Lord. Church. Cookie baking. Emailing. Telling stories. Mediating disputes between siblings. Researching. Dish washing. More laundry. Field trips. Diapers to change. Diapers to wash. Potty accidents. Shopping. Decorating. Organizing...

...and that is just what's in the first box or two.

Deep breath.

This is where I am so very glad that God knows what to do, because it's clear that I do not. I have an awful lot to do each day, and an awful lot to be held accountable for. I want to educate my children well, but I want to raise them up to be good people even more. I want them to know and love Jesus, to follow His lead in their lives, to love others and to live a life according to His word. I want to see them storing up their treasure in heaven. And I do not want to lose sight of that greater goal as I work to make sure they are learning what they need to know to succeed in this world as well.

So I keep working through each day, trying to find a schedule that works for me and my four little ones. Just how is it that a woman is supposed to meet each need for four different people each day, and still be a good wife when her husband gets home at night? I know it's been done since the dawn of time. I just need to keep praying and keep working to see just how God had it in mind for me to do it.

So there you go. The insecurities of a homeschooling mom of four young 'uns. But, when I really do take life as God says to in Psalm 118:24, it really isn't so hard at all. It's only when I step back and try to figure out the whole "cartload" that I get overwhelmed and stuck. So I guess I'll just go back to His way and call it good. I just need to carry a few boxes at a time, and leave the rest until I am better able to carry them.

And in the mean time, I've got a billion little kisses to collect and a zillion happy smiles to soak up.

Man, God really is good. Even in just writing it all out here my thoughts have gone from "all I HAVE to DO" to "all I GET to HAVE."

Well off I go now. I "GET" to go change over (yet) another load of laundry before bed tonight. ;o)