Mary, Mary, quite contrary, how does YOUR garden grow?

(WARNING: What you are about to read is long and rambling and may make no sense to anyone other than myself. Continue at your own risk...)


I sit here not even knowing what to write. My blog has been completely neglected for months (my last post was from our first day of school – we are now halfway through week 12 in our My Father’s World curriculum) but it’s not for lack of good content. On the contrary, actually. There have been so many wonderful happenings in life that it’s a little overwhelming to just pick one to write about.

But I guess that’s kind of the point… Life is good. Life is blessed. Life is beautiful. But life is FULL.

My days start before 6am, and I’m rarely asleep before 11 at night. And Sweet Pea, who will be eight months old tomorrow, is still waking up every two hours through the night. My oldest two sons are in 4th and 2nd grade and we’re doing My Father’s World’s first year of their five-year cycle – Exploring Countries and Cultures - in addition to their math, spelling, language arts (which I admit I pretty much don’t do), etc. Goose (5) and Girly Pie (3) are both what I consider preschoolers and I’m making every effort to actually do SOME preschooly stuff with them every day – some Cubbies verses for our Awana club, reading lessons for 5 year old Goose, some Rod and Staff workbooks, fun sticker books, puzzles, games and lots and lots of play dough. Bug is rounding the corner to two and I just can’t seem to squeeze all our school into his nap time anymore so he is more of an entity this year as well. He is NOT content to just sit happily at the table with a fun activity in front of him. No, he seems to think that school time is the one time of day when he wants, NEEDS Mommy’s full, undivided, direct attention. And he has no problem LOUDLY making this fact known. Of course as soon as I’m not trying to work with anyone else he’s happy to putter about quietly, contently, and independently. Did I mention he’s almost two? ;o) And darling little Sweet Pea naps through some of our morning routine but not all of it. She’s at the age where she is happy to crawl and play sometimes, hungry lots of other times, and wanting to be held and played with the rest of the time. Of course I love doing all these things with all of them - but they often overlap and I have to run triage a bit, so to speak.

And there is laundry and cooking and cleaning and and disciplining and friends to keep up with and appointments to schedule and diapers to change and sewing projects to sneak in and Christmas presents to plan and make and buy… and after all that is mostly done in a day there is of course my husband who still hopes to have a cheerful wife to come home to and enjoy each evening. And sleep is good. I like sleep. I do get some – that’s a good thing.

And the thing is - I LOVE everything I do. I am really enjoying the school stuff with my big boys this year and feel like I’ve really hit my stride for the first time as a homeschooler. I really enjoy the preschool time with my Middles. I really love having a toddler and watching him grow and learn and talk and discover. And having a baby to cuddle and love on is of course a daily joy and blessing. I love having a large family and seeing their relationships blossom and grow. I love my wonderful husband and enjoy the time I get to spend with him. Heck, I even enjoy doing laundry at this point. Crazy, but true.

And did you know I’m a Christian? Did I mention I know God? No? I didn’t mention that, did I?

You see, I do know God. I do know He is there and has handed me every single blessing and good thing in my life. And I love Him. And I am so, so, so thankful. Truly. I do give thanks in all circumstances. I see nothing in my life that I feel anything but thankful for.

But this full life of blessings is still… full. And I find less and less time to actually read the Bible. I pray constantly – all day long really. A constant connection to Him, reaching out all day long. But those long “real” prayers where you write stuff down and seek Him out and lift others up in prayer that I hear tell of – nope. Don’t do that. The kids and I read the Bible together daily for school time – but personal reading time, alone time “with God”? Nope. Don’t do that much at all. Honestly, I even get a little bummed when I hear people speak of a “close personal relationship” with Jesus. I think I know what that is, but I can’t say I have experienced it. I mean, maybe I have. I have felt close to Him. I know I love Him. I know He loves me. I can’t wait to meet Him in heaven and I hope I make Him proud. But close and personal doesn’t quite describe it. Respectful. Loving. Thankful. Honoring… but maybe even just a little bit distant. There – but not quite right HERE. Does that make sense?

I’m just being totally honest here. I’m sure it’ll get all kinds of offensive for someone, or will draw pity or contempt from others. I don’t know. But it’s the truth.

And the thing is – I’m OK with a little distant right now. Is that OK? I feel like I’m supposed to WANT close and personal, and that maybe I’m wrong for not. I wonder if I sound un-Christian to the right sort of people and when I read certain blogs or books that speak of all those things I start to get this sinking feeling that I’m doing it all wrong. That maybe the God I know and love, who loves me through thick and thin and understands when I’m busy living the life He gave me and loves me anyway is not the God that they are talking about. Maybe God is more judgmental and has a higher standard than I thought He did. I start to shrink down into my little cave and feel like I’ve not only failed all the other people out there whom I would consider my peers, but that I’ve failed Him somehow, too. Then I try to do more, shine more, look better, fill in a better Christian “resume,” you know?

And every once in a while He snaps me back to attention and turns my face back up to His and reminds me that I really, truly do not need to earn His love or His Grace. They are both free. Freely given, and His hope is that they will be freely received.


But sometimes when I spend too much time looking around at others I get it all muddled up in my brain and heart. I see the good in them and somehow turn that into an expectation upon myself to do better. Be better. Earn more of His free gifts of love and Grace.

So maybe that’s the distance piece? Maybe I take too much from the Christian culture around me and tell myself I’m distant. He’s distant.

Maybe it’s really OK that my days feel full – in a good way. Maybe it’s OK that I can’t check off the box of Bible reading and quiet prayer time every day (or week, or month, if I’m going to be perfectly honest…). Maybe I can teach and love and make a home for my family without a moment to spare every day – and feel stretched and full but happy and blessed. Maybe He knows that’s where I am today, in this season. Maybe he knows that six children nine and under, with babies 13 months apart means my arms are never empty – no matter what else might need doing.

I’ve heard people describe this stage in life as “running on autopilot.”

But maybe running on autopilot really isn’t the best way to describe it. I actually don’t quite feel like I’m on autopilot. I do feel like I’m so busy living each and every moment that I just can’t stop and ponder each and every moment the way I once could.

Maybe it’s kind of like the old “stop and smell the roses” saying. I am smelling the roses. All day long I smell roses. And daffodils. And lilies. And lilacs. I have a whole beautiful English garden full of lovely flowers to smell. And I love them all. But all I can do in this beautiful garden is walk around and smell the garden as a whole. I can’t really just smell the roses – because the lilacs are so fragrant right next to them. The perfume of the whole garden is beautiful and fills up all my senses. I can see the colors, textures and shapes, the light shining through the leaves and brightening up the colors around me even more. I can smell the fragrance. I can hear the birds chirping and the frogs croaking and the children playing. I can feel the warm sun shining on my face. All of it. Deliciously, all at once. Isn’t that what a garden is all about, after all?

But when I hear someone mention a rose I missed, or a tulip that slipped by unnoticed by me – I start to doubt if I’m doing right by enjoying the garden as a whole. As though I’m doing it wrong somehow.

But then my Gardener reminds me, when I take the time to listen to Him and block out the other garden guests around me, that He planted this garden, and He put me in this particular garden – as full as it is. And really, if He just wanted me to smell the roses, He would most likely have just planted roses for me.

But He didn’t plant just roses. And I like all the color and beauty of the wild, busy garden I’m in. I suspect He knew just what kind of garden was right for me. Those neat and tidy gardens that other people like never did appeal to me. Straight rows of bushes, everything in order, one pretty flowering plant amidst the many evergreen bushes and shrubs, and always so green and always neatly trimmed – but so… predictable. I have always been drawn to the gardens that are so full of color and life and variety that you can’t really pick out just one flower and love it best. You have no choice but to just stand there, in the middle of it, and take in the beauty of the garden as a whole. Sure, there are weeds down in there… but there are so many beautiful flowers to admire that you can’t even see the weeds hiding under them. And some things are overgrown and a bit messy even – but somehow that just adds to the beauty of it all. That has always been my kind of garden. And He knows it – which, again, is why He likely put me in this one rather than those pretty, neat and predictable gardens all around me.

To be perfectly honest there are times that I do get a little overloaded - when I'm so busy in my garden that I miss the smells and sights and sounds for a bit. I won't deny that sometimes I really do wish I could just smell roses every once in a while. After all, once upon a time my garden was small and I did smell only roses - but my roses grew and many more flowers have been planted since then. But I wouldn't give any of the beauty of it up. And I never long for the plain gardens. And I know that if I did just stop and smell the roses only, that I'd very quickly miss the colors and smells of the garden as a whole.

So that’s where I am. That’s why I haven’t written in a while. That's why I forget things and sounds distracted much of the time. I’m not sure I have much worth saying that anyone else cares to hear. But my little garden does need me and I do so love walking around in it, trimming a bit, watering a bit – but mostly just living in it and smelling all those many flowers. And somehow, it’s often hard to find the time to sit here at this computer and get all these wonderful thoughts on record in between piggy-backing nappers and growing children, but it does feel good to see it all written down in front of me.

So I am going to resolve to spend more time in the midst of my life remembering that my Gardener planted me here - and He wants me to enjoy this garden. The full, busy, wild beauty of it all. And I am going to stop comparing my messy, overgrown garden to the neat and tidy gardens that others have. And I am going to try to enjoy the beauty of this garden even more - and not feel guilt over the hidden weeds or the gangly lilacs. That is the hardest part for me... to let go of the guilt that somehow I'm missing something or doing something wrong and that enjoying it is not enough, but rather that I have to earn it. But I am going to remember that this garden was meant as a gift for me. And I am going to remember that my Gardener loves me, and I'm not going to let those neat and tidy garden dwellers make me feel like I'm doing it wrong or messing up His garden. But I also want to remember even more that my Gardener wants to enjoy it with me. SO I am just going to keep on walking through the garden and talking with Him as I do so.

And maybe in another season I'll be able to single out one flower or another to enjoy more thoroughly, or have long, uniterrupted talks with the Gardener - but I think it's OK to be doing it this way for now. I think this little garden is growing well and all of us who live in it are enjoying it immensely. And I think it's really going to be alright.

And maybe, just maybe, I can make a little more time to take notes and write down my adventures. It's been a while... but this was surprisingly fun and theraputic. ;o)

Goals

My goals lately seem to fall somewhere in the "getting it done" category. I know there are seasons in life when those are good goals to meet. Getting anything done well or right is a bonus. Just getting it done at all is good enough though. And being a homsechooling mom to 6 children 9 and younger, the youngest two both just babies, I've definitely found myself falling into that mode of just doing what works - even if it's not the best.

But as my Sweet Pea is hitting the four month mark (I know. It still shocks me to even say it out loud. Four months. Wow.) I find my little fog clearing just a bit and I can see that "good enough" isn't really good enough.

Much of this awareness has fallen on my house which is in a bit of a shambles. I've tried to soak up every moment of Sweet Pea's first weeks and months, and I know I won't regret that time one little bit! The clutter piled, the organization fell by the way side, and I'm so thankful school was out when it was or I don't know what I would have done! And all that's OK in my book. Messes will still be there to clean, books will still be there to read, but my baby won't be a baby for long, so I want to take as much time as possible to enjoy her as I can.

But - as I come out of my New Baby Fog - I am starting to see that my enjoyment of Sweet Pea has left me cutting corners in areas where I shouldn't be, and where I don't want to.

I guess over the past few days (maybe weeks) I've started to realize that my goals with my children have been much more behaviorally focused. Correcting bad behavior, reinforcing good behavior, the usual. And I do believe it is good to correct bad behavior and to encourage good behavior.

But the problem is that behavior has become the main focus.

And that is a big problem. Because we are all people - fallen, sinful people - young and old alike. And I don't want MY attention on behavior to be what my kids think it's all about. After all, isn't that why Jesus died? Because God knew our behavior would never be good enough? We could never earn our way to heaven. So that's why He chose the plan that He did - to show us just how much we need His grace.

So as of today, my goal will be my children's hearts. To see them. To know them. To win them. To keep them.

This has been a goal of mine before, but it's harder to stick to it than one might think. Getting stuff done often feels more important in any given moment. Changing their behavior rather than their inward heart is a lot easier, to be honest.

But as I write all this, and as I ponder these thoughts I believe God has revealed to me, it occurs to me that when I focus on their hearts as God does - focusing on the heart of a man rather than on his outward appearance the way men do (see 1 Samuel 16:7) then their behavior will likely improve anyway. I'm going about it all wrong by making that the focus. I'm too tired to bring to mind any vivid analogies, but there are many (even in the Bible there are many!) out there to make the point that painting over the surface does nothing if the inside is missed.

So I am praying for God's help to see my children's hearts, to know them and to keep them. I want to be close to them, not just in charge of them. And I know this will challenge me. And I know it'll make other goals (like getting the house in order, for one, or finding any down time for myself in the day) much harder to meet. But I really do feel that God is calling me to do this right now.

So there it is. My new goal as a mother. It's not really even new at all. I'm just seeing my same goals in a different light, and seeing how my actions have not been in line with my heart's desire for our family. And how in my efforts to help my children behave better, and encourage them in Christian ways, I might be driving them away from a relationship with Christ rather than towards one by putting too much focus on behavior and outward appearance. I just pray that it's not too late and that God in His wisdom and grace will help me to do better, and that my children will love me enough to forgive my mistakes. And that I can be the mom God wants me to be. And the mom my children want and need me to be, too. I haven't much idea how to get there myself. I keep doing it all backwards. So this one will most definitely take divine intervention!

I'm very thankful that God is still in the business of answering prayers. ;o)

We must be doing SOMEthing right...

There are definitely times as the mother of 5 (almost 6!) young children when I feel like somehow we are doing our kids a disservice by raising them in such a large family.

Most days I know it's all a good, beautiful thing. Most days (almost all days, really) I delight in watching them grow, learn and love together. I know that though they give up a few things, they gain so much that it's all the right thing. And besides all that, it's all been God's plan and not mine, so I know it can't be wrong. But when wading knee deep through the culture around us (no matter how hard I try to avoid it altogether) I do still see all of the smaller families and hear about all the one-on-one activities they do, and the opportunities available to children with only one or two siblings - and I have my moments of guilt. Not doubt so much, just guilt that our children will someday feel they missed out on something due to the big family.

But today I was delighted by a glaring reminder that for all they may be missing out on, our children really are gaining so much by being raised in and among so many other blessings.

This afternoon was Finny's 7 year well child check. And since I had so many questions regarding his allergy and sensory issues, and since my sweet Hubby was working from home and was available, I was able to take him alone to his appointment.

The appointment itself was mostly uneventful. Finny's still 50% on weight and 75% on height - same as always practically since birth. He's still got some issues with skin and behavior, but no real answers. Food stuff might help out a bit, but no magic cures there. His last remaining ear tube is concerning so I should call his ear, nose and throat specialist to see about surgery to have it removed. Nothing huge or shocking - all things I expected to hear.

But as part of the appointment with older children the doctors like to ask them a few thoughtful questions, I suppose to gauge their development intellectually and socially. The first two were fun to listen to Finny's answers - about what he was good at and what he was not so good at. But I was surprised by the third question, and delighted by Finny's answer.

Doc: "Finny, if you could have one wish, and you could ask for anything in the world - what would you wish for?"

(I sat there a little surprised myself and quite curious as to what his response would be - a new bike? A pool? A puppy? To end his allergy diet and eat anything he wanted? I waited with baited breath to hear, but I didn't have to wait long, as he answered without hesitation)

Finny: "A baby sister. 'Cuz I only have one sister."

Seriously. Of all the things in the whole wide world he could ask for - he asks for a baby sister. How sweet is that!?

So apparently at least one of my elder children is not too terribly put-out by the addition of a new sibling every year or two. I guess God knew just what He was doing after all when He planned our family out. Which I already knew, of course. ;o)

(and I'm pretty sure Finny will be delighted if it's a new brother on the way, too... though maybe that wish will become a fervent prayer at that point. Who knows?)

I've had too much to do with my family and have found it difficult to spare my precious time to sit in front of my computer to post much at all.

And I'm not really posting now, since I think it would be more fruitful to go up to bed and read a book before falling asleep.

But I just had to write that I am sitting at my desk here and my unborn baby is wiggling sweetly (26 weeks tomorrow). My dryer is humming in the background and my five beautiful babes are asleep in their beds. My hubby is at his best friend's house for a much needed evening with his childhood buddies, so I am enjoying a quiet, peaceful evening alone. I feel so very blessed in this tiny little moment.

To get to feel the wiggles and kicks of this sixth little blessing - a child I always wanted but honestly never even dared to dream might really become a reality. And here he or she is, so alive, so active, so real and already a part of our family. And I look at the rest of them - from ten months up to almost nine years old - and I can hardly believe I am the one who gets the privilege and joy of raising them all.

Will the movements of a baby in pregnancy ever lose their novelty? Not for me. The novelty of having children, and watching them grow in their relationships with their parents and with each other? Nope. It still humbles me almost daily.

I am so very, very blessed. Thank you Lord. For everything.

I tried...

Ack! I am trying to upload pictures of our Little Man to share with you all... but the blogger site is not cooperating. Bummer. Hopefully it'll work for me next time I have a spare moment and the initiative to sit down and do it (not that I know when that will be!).

As it is I'm about to go relax with him while the little guys sleep and we wait for my Hubby and the two biggest boys to return from their Awana Grand Prix race. They've spent the past weeks and days working on their little derby cars and are hoping for some big prizes tonight.

I had a funny moment the other day though, sitting up in bed just two days after giving birth to my Little Bug (not sure what his blog or real life nickname is yet - I'm still working on one that fits - but hey, at least we finally came up with his official name!). Little Man weighed the same at birth as my oldest did, who will be eight years old next week. So since this guy's birth I've been thinking a lot about Punky and how big he is and remembering all that I can about him when he was new and wee like this guy. And as I sat in bed, a days old baby on one side of me, math work waiting to be graded on the other side, and a derby car in my lap as I painted the perfect flames on it's side for my dear Finny (who will settle for no less than perfect, mind you) I had to laugh. I just said a quiet heart to heart prayer and laughed with God that the last time I held a days old 7lbs 6oz newborn son in my lap I never imagined that eight years down the road I'd be doing it again, only this time with the aforementioned math and painting at the same time. But I knew God had known that's what I'd be doing eight years down that road of motherhood. It's just so different now than it was with just the one little baby. Sure, there's less time to sit and stare at him, and I can't just hide away and cocoon forever as I did with Punky. But life is so much more full, so much more alive now welcoming the fifth into the family. I love pregnancy, and I love welcoming a new little life into the world. I feel more blessed than I can put into words that God has allowed me to be a part of that miracle even once, but to allow me to share in that five times? There really aren't words to describe the gift in that. But I love all of it - the math, the laundry, the deep conversations, the phonics lessons, the meal plan struggles, the doctor's appointments and the itsy bitsy spider songs and the potty training and the quiet evenings with my husband.

I am humbled and blessed so completely to live this life God has chosen for me. And as we all go about our life and as our little guy settles so neatly into his place in the family, I really do have to chuckle now and then at the life I live now. I wouldn't change a bit of it, but it's not the life I had imagined I'd be living. Not at all.

I love that God knows better than we do what it is we are meant to do. Because my way wouldn't have brought the marriage I have. My way wouldn't have had the kids I have. My way had never even heard of homeschooling. My way, well, my way just wasn't the right way. It was just an idea brought forth from my tiny perspective in the tiny life I had lived. But God's way for us - well his perspective is huge, it's everywhere and over all time. He doesn't make mistakes. And as I live each moment of the day in the perfect life He has made - the one He knew all along was just right for me and for the family he was surrounding me with - I just feel so thankful that He made His way be known and come to pass.

OK. Off I go. I'm sure there are a few of you waiting for labor details, and I really will get to that soon. Hopefully with pictures, too. But for now - be content to know labor was great, God was present, and Baby Boy is the cutest thing you ever saw. Trust me. It's true. ;o)

Time stands still

Our new Little Man is 3 days old now, and this afternoon for the first time he and I ventured downstairs to rejoin the rest of the world.

For three days he and I sat up in the master bedroom and got to know one another. I got to gaze at his sweet face and memorize those perfect little features. I was able to familiarize myself with his little wimpers and squeaks. I stroked his dark hair and dreamed over his future and thought over the memories of this pregnancy and cried over the beauty of it all more times than I can count. Waves of hormone induced tears came at random moments through our beautiful little three day retreat together. We were far from lonely - the rest of the family came in and out of our room as they pleased - to visit with me, to snuggle with him, just to check in and stay close. But for the most part life went on as usual downstairs without us. Chores were done, school was accomplished, owies were kissed, tantrums were thrown and wet pants were changed. And Little Man and I just sat apart in our own separate little world through it all.

And I admit there were moments through the tears (am I the only woman who cries for no reason whatsoever in the days following birth?) when I felt sad that this new cocooning time would soon be ending and that real life would start again for Little Man and me. I was afraid to make that trek downstairs, knowing I would not go down again as the pregnant woman I was the last time I trekked up those same stairs. Life had changed, and could I handle this new life once it really started in earnest?

So this afternoon I came down when it looked like Girly Pie was too disagreeable to join Daddy and the boys for a trip to the park. But by the time I was ready to take over the care of one little girl and one baby boy, she had got her ducks in a row and was ready to hit the road with the gang. So Little Man and I were left alone downstairs for a while.

And you know what? Time indeed did not stand still while we had been upstairs. There were dishes in the sink and laundry in the hamper. The toys had been played with and only partly cleaned up. Sippy cups on the counters and crumbs on the floor.

But here's the crazy thing. Instead of feeling overwhelmed as I looked around the house, I actually felt better. As I stood there with my sweet Little Man in my arms - bright eyed and quiet as he gazed around his home for the first time - I realized suddenly how much I had missed all of it. I missed the dishes and the noise and the laundry rotation. I missed the morning sweeping of the floor and the setting of the dinner table.

Yes, my honeymoon with Little Man was wonderful. The rest was wonderful and I'm sure it will be a blessing to us all in the weeks to come that I was able to rest so much at first and will hopefully be blessed with more energy to do all that I am called to do now. I am so blessed to have a husband who is so willing to work extra hard to give me that time to recover both physically and emotionally.

But to come back downstairs and to look all around me at the pieces of life that remind me of all that goes on in my life in a day was a beautiful thing. And as I stood there with Little Man in my arms, instead of feeling strange and new, instead of wondering if I'd miss the joy of pregnancy, not knowing if I'd ever get to experience it again (always a struggle for me after I have a baby), I was so glad to get to share it all with him. Suddenly, the person who was missing from our family felt like he was really there to fill the hole I hadn't realized was empty. As I walked around downstairs with that Little Man, I felt like we were home.

And it feels so very good to be home. ;o)

I've got that joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart...

It's one of those sunny, happy, delightful days around here.

No, the weather is not really sunny. It's dry, and I can actually see some blue through the gray - but that's not what I'm talking about.

It's just that I'm feeling all sunny and bright.

Don't you just love those days when all the blessings you KNOW you have just really feel so blindingly apparent that you just can't help but feel joy bubbling out from every part of your soul?

Well, that's today for me. I mean, I always know I'm blessed. And I am not a particularly gloomy person. In fact, I'd say I'm downright cheery most of the time.

But today is just abundantly joyful and cheerful.

So just for fun, I thought I'd list off just the first few of the many reasons I feel so joyful, blessed, cheerful and sunny today.

• I'm going to have a BABY in about 4 weeks. How cool is that? (I've known for ages that I have been pregnant. But I'm actually going to HAVE A BABY within the next month! That realization has just occurred to me in the past week or two.)
• I have a new found love and passion for my husband for the first time in almost ten years of marriage... and I feel so very blessed to see that he has the same new found love and passion for me as well.
• My sweet hubby OK'd cloth diapers for our newborn - the first of the five to come straight into the world wearing cloth rather than disposable.
• My diapers arrived today and are in the wash now. And they are so stinking tiny and cute I could just about die!
• I have the four cutest and sweetest kids on the entire planet. And they love each other and each one of them has been so happy and sweet today (all week really).
• School went super smoothly today.
• Girly Pie has peed in the potty WAY MORE than in her pants today. That's enough right there to set my soul on fire! ;o)
• No matter how much I've ever done wrong, and no matter how bitter or foul my soul can be at moments, I am the daughter of a King who loves me through it all, and thinks I'm wonderful and made me just the way He wanted me to be. And today for some reason, I'm just hyper-aware of that love and grace.
• I have See's chocolate in the house.
• I got to watch my four children holding and singing to and fawning over my good friend's 4 week old last night, and it was such a beautiful thing to see their excitement and love pouring out on this little guy.
• Punky has been pining ever since holding my friend's little man... "I can't WAIT for our baby to be born! I think I could change the diapers now, don't you?" I am just so blessed to have been given a first born son to this growing family of ours who has such a love for little ones and so longs to help and care for all the little chicks in this nest.
• I got to start the morning out with a short chat with my best bud MG, and as rare of a treat as that is these days it always is a delight.
• My body is healthy and whole. I take for granted often enough what a blessing that is. But today, I'm just very aware of the gift that health in life really is.
• My children are healthy and whole - this one feels even bigger than my own health. I'm so glad that they were blessed with strong bodies, healthy immune systems and everything in between.
• Dinner is already in the crockpot. I love days when dinner is done at 8am. ;o)
• My "To Do Before the Baby Comes" list is rapidly getting crossed off. That feels so GOOD!
• My hubby called me from work this morning to invite me to play one of our favorite card games this evening. It's so fun to be invited to such a thing. And I love that he's thinking about our evening together even while we're both busily working through our day.

I know there are a million more things that are adding to my general feeling of happiness and bubbly joy. But those are the first few that came to mind. And I have diapers to rotate in the wash and lunch to eat and lots of other options of ways to spend my short quiet time of the day. So off I go.

I hope you are feeling the joy of all your blessings today as well!

Updates

• Potty training is going pretty well, but it's still a work in progress.


• Christmas was really wonderful - but I'm ready to get the tree down and the house cleaned up and ready for regular life.


• Hubby and I have been working on renewing our marriage in many, many ways - and though it takes a lot of work to change old, bad habits, I can already see the fruits of those labors and feel so blessed to see such a beautiful new relationship taking shape. And for the first time since having kids (almost 8 years) we made it a priority to go away overnight together - just the two of us. It's not something we'll do often, but going to bed and waking up in the morning with no one else's needs to meet but each other's was a beautiful gift. It's amazing to think that every single morning for the vast majority of our married life we've woken up and almost instantly met the needs of our kids. It was just lovely to have a little bit of a honeymoon after all these years. ;o)


• I'm 34 weeks along now - I've always given birth within a week of my due date so I'd imagine that we'll have our newest little addition in 5-7 weeks. It's funny how much shorter that looks when you think of it in terms of how many weekends you have left to get anything done. 5 weekends left that I can pretty much count on to get anything done that I want to do before we become a family of seven. That means all projects, all family gatherings, any special date time, family activities we might want to do before Baby comes... only 5 weekends left to accomplish them all. 10 days, people. 10 weekend days. I was shocked when I thought about it like that.


• I threw my back out for the first time ever as a largely pregnant lady. No fun - but boy do I appreciate how small and inconsequential the normal aches and pains of life feel after not being able to move for a good week!


• Birthdays are fast approaching... Finny will be 6 on January 11th, Jelly Bean is due to be born around February 8th, and Punky will be 8 on February 18th. Fun, busy times we have around here in the winter months!


• I'm dropping the unit study approach for schooling and trying out a more subject-specific style. We'll see how that goes. On the agenda for 2010: set times for weekly history and science lessons. That's a first for us - I hope we can find the perfect slot for it and that everyone enjoys it. We'll be using Story of the World for history and we'll be doing some fun lower elementary level study of the human body at least for the first couple of months of the year.


• We're still doing occupational Therapy for Finny for his Sensory Processing Disorder, but we're looking into other areas to help him - currently focused in the area of helping him learn better how to self regulate. He definitely needs some sensory help, but there seems to be more to it than that... more on that when I know more that I can share. ;o)
• Punky is an AMAZING young man. I am just in awe of all that I see coming out in the character of that boy. He's so very big, and so very little at the same time. I just feel so blessed to be his Momma. Oh - and boy, I had no idea how much an almost 8 year old could read when enjoying a good book. He's hit that point of just loving the book he's into, and he's devouring 3-400 page books these days (in less than two weeks' time). This from the boy who 2 short years ago would be in tears after 5 minutes of struggling through Dick and Jane stories. Thank you Lord for Vision Therapy and for healing my boy's vision. It's so easy to forget how hard that was for him!
• Finny is doing really well in so many areas. He's sweet, funny, shockingly bright and so thoughtful in so many ways. When he's really focused and feeling good, he's so very sweet, especially with the younger two that I am melted each time I see him voluntarily offer up a toy to share or run Girly Pie to the potty just because he wants to help her. What a wonderful boy he is. And worth of note - he's doing really well with all his school stuff. He just seems to love to learn, and feel so very proud of his accomplishments.


• 3 1/2 year old boys are so much funnier, sweeter and more enjoyable when they are your third rather than your first. How on earth did I manage to lay so much responsibility on Punky at this age? Goose is just delightful and adorable and LITTLE feeling. Punky seemed HUGE at this age. Sigh. Point here is - Goose is great and wonderful and we all think he's the funniest thing ever. Never a dull moment if that boy's around to add a comment to the topic.


• 1 1/2 year old girls are completely intoxicating. I had no idea. That little Girly Pie can melt our hearts a dozen times a day. Why didn't anyone tell me how sweet it is to have a little girl wrap her arms tightly around my neck and say "Wuv you" followed by sweet little puckered lips coming in for a kiss? I remember so many sweet things from the boys at this age too - but there is most definitely a new and different sweetness with her. Not better, just different, if that makes sense.


• I'm still trying to find the perfect schedule. I KNOW we need one. I still just haven't perfected it. And with Baby coming in a month and a half, I doubt perfection will find me anytime soon...


• I'm cutting back on computer time in general - I need to focus more on things like loving on my husband, meeting the needs of my 7, 5, 3 and 1 year olds, school planning, baby preparation, home making... all that jazz.


• I have fallen woefully short on my efforts to make daily time to read the Bible and have quiet time with the Lord. I hope to remedy that ASAP.


• I am very much looking forward to the coming weeks as we let go of the holiday hustle & bustle and welcome in the New Year - complete with new schooling goals, new OT goals, new schedules - even a new baby! ;o) So much NEW this year, apparently.


• Though we are just now heading into the thick of winter (which is fine by me, I'm ready to cocoon!) I spent a few minutes on a cold, sunny day yesterday with Finny running around a baseball field and got just that little, tiny taste of spring. I can't quite explain it, but I was so overcome with the thrill of all that comes with each new season. I just love how God allows for so much change every year, and so many blessings with each new thing.


• Pregnancy is going great (now that my back is better!) and I am really enjoying it. I've been healthy and gaining weight well at all my appointments (a great thing for me!). I've just ordered the homebirth kit, and we're looking forward to another birth at home. I'm prayerful that God will bless us again with a smooth, safe delivery.


• This little one moves plenty but is pretty gentle and soft in his or her wiggles. Still no major feeling one way or the other on gender. What I tell people who ask is that I FEEL like it's a girl, but I THINK it's a boy. ;o) I'm just getting so excited to meet him or her for the first time, either way.


• No names picked out yet either.


• Life is good. Not perfect, no. But oh so good. I feel so blessed in each day, even when I feel like I'm failing at something (or everything!). And today, even though I can see where I am falling short, I still feel such hope and joy for all that is, and for all that is on the horizon. Things get busy, I get tired, plans rarely go as I intend them to. But I'm right where I need to be, God is there with me holding my hand through each step, and He's blessed me into a family who loves, needs and cherishes me. Can't ask for much more than that.

Time

Time.

60 seconds in a minute. 60 minutes in an hour. 24 hours in a day. 7 days in a week. 52 weeks in a year.

It is what it is and it doesn't change – at least it hasn't in my lifetime.

And yet, it can feel so very different from one day, one month, one season to the next. Some days you wonder how you will ever make it to dinner time, and other days suddenly it’s 20 minutes past your normal dinner hour and you look up and wonder in amazement, “Where did the day go?”

A few weeks back I felt like I had so very, very much to do and so very, VERY little time in which to do it all. I felt robbed of all that I wanted to do and overwhelmed with all I HAD to do. It was a funny mix of “Where did the day go, I’ve hardly done a THING!?” and “How can I possibly survive until my Hubby gets home? This day is taking forever!”

A few months from now, I may very well be back in that same spot. But right now, at least for the past two weeks or so, I suddenly see so much potential for my time, and suddenly it seems everything is falling neatly into place each day.

Suddenly, the time I have been blessed with each day seems perfectly matched to the tasks which lay before me.

Right now, in this particular stretch of time (and I can only pray this “stretch” lasts for a LONG time!) everything lines up. And each moment of each day, from my always too-early seeming wake up to my always too-late feeling plop into bed, feels rewarding, challenging, fun and... right where I want to be.

I know most of the difference is my own perspective and attitude. Honestly, since Girly Pie’s emergency room adventure a couple of weeks back, my eyes have definitely been on my Maker to take care of me and carry me through my struggles rather than on my own lack of ability to get through them. My eyes have also been back on Him with an attitude of thanks for the blessings I have been given, rather my view of my blessings being blocked by the obstacles of life and my own negativity and fears.

And I’m pretty sure that just that shift of focus has made the most difference in how I have felt since then. I feel God has blessed that shift in focus back to Him. I'm looking back where He wanted me to look, and I do feel He's pleased with that.

There is something else though, too. In addition to changing where my focus is (or maybe because of that change?) I’ve also felt more driven and inspired in working out a daily routine that better fits our family’s needs.

I’ve tried and failed so many times before at schedules and routinesmore times that I care to count let alone admit out loud. Really, to tell the truth, I hate schedules. I go into them kicking and screaming, and usually run right back out the same way. And there is absolutely no guarantee that this time will be any different.

But, at least for the moment, this time does feel different. This time, I really can feel God's hand in how our days are going. I actually feel like He gave me the the inspiration I have been desperately seeking and revealed to me how He knew our days would best be spent.

I can see my days in chunks and I know what will fill those chunks. I have been shown what has been lacking, and those gaps are being filled daily now. I feel guided and structured, but not restricted and confined.

Sure, I have much less “me time” than I did before, but somehow the time I do find to be free and mine is getting better used and I appreciate it more. Instead of sneaking in little snippets here and there at the computer or at finishing the smaller tasks around the house left undone, I see now how I was taking away from the more important things I want to do each day. I also see that while I was constantly multi tasking every moment of every day, I was never really fully in any given moment or task. I was always only semi-present. And so I missed the joy in most of what I did.

And now I am so very much enjoying my days, even though I am doing so much more than I was before! And yet, I feel like I have MORE time than I did before.

It's amazing really.

Maybe I’ll post the skeleton of my daily schedule/routine another day, but the meat and potatoes of the plan is not really my point today. My point is just that time never really does change, but what you do with it, and the attitude and perspective you have during the time you are blessed with, really does make a huge difference in how your time is passed, and in how you feel in each moment you have.

Or at least that’s my thought on the matter. For the moment, anyway.

What are little girls made of?

Sugar and spice and everything nice.

... Oh, and ER visits, too.

So I got to spend my first day in an ER today - and it was not with one of my three sons. It was with my little Girly Pie. I've heard many a rumor that girls are docile, calm and still. But not my sweet Girly Pie. She is sweet for sure, and definitely has her daintier qualities. But she is not anywhere near still. She's been a climber since before she could walk, and has given me more than my fair share of scares over the past months of her increasing mobility.

But this morning when she fell and bumped her lip on a small child's bench we keep at our little kid's table, she hardly cried at all, and I never would have thought twice about such a simple stumble.

Except for the fact that there was blood everywhere and her lip had a nasty looking flap of skin hanging off of it.

Looking at it I suspected immediately that it would need something - stitches, skin glue, something like that. I called Mary Grace to confirm my suspicions (I didn't want to be too paranoid, after all lip wounds can look much worse than they really are) and then set to work trying to figure out just what to do.

The really cool thing was that God's hand was all over the day. For a start, my Hubby has Mondays off from field work and he works at home doing phone and office stuff, so I had the flexibility to just go with Girly Pie and not have to worry about who could watch my three boys, or about taking them along and dividing up the attention that I was sure a sad little girl would need fully. And from there, the little twists and turns of the day just led more and more directly to exactly where God knew we needed to go.

Our new insurance is apparently not accepted by our current doctor's office - a fact we just found out this morning when I called to find out if they could squeeze her in for a look. I have never much liked the whole office, and really the only reason we have remained is that it is only 25 minutes away and all the other docs are 40 minutes or more. But I always second guess their thoughts and we never have really been on the same wavelength. So I called my good friend E. who uses the same insurance and has always said wonderful things about their pediatrician. She quickly gave me the number, and off I drove with Girly Pie, waiting on hold on my cell as I headed that direction and going on faith that they would make room for her ASAP. Sure enough, even though the wonderful doc didn't have any openings until 5pm, they made room for Girly Pie right as we arrived at 10am. The new doc was WONDERFUL. I know that I would not have appreciated my old doc's advice as much as Dr. Wonderful's, and he was so sweet with Girly Pie, and so thorough with his exam. He was gentle with her and explained to me the severity of the injury.

Now I will pause in the story here to point out that Girly was not crying during all this time. The fall was minor, the bleeding had stopped, and aside from missing her morning nap, she was really not fazed at all by the whole ordeal of the actual injury. (another small miracle for the day!) So the doc told me all I needed to know, and said that since the cut was on the line between her actual lip and the skin below, and because it was so close to the crack where upper and lower lips meet, it was just a really hard place to stitch up. He saw she did indeed need stitches, but he knew his office was not equipped to do such a delicate job on such a small, and uncooperative, patient.

So we were sent to the Children's Hospital in Seattle, over an hour from our home. He said we could go to others nearer, but that Children’s would be the best equipped to do such a delicate procedure on one so young.

So off we went. Again, this doc's demeanor and his kindness and gentleness with both my girl and this worried momma were so comforting, and I really did trust his opinion. I really see God's hand in the insurance thing sending us away from our other office to this one.

So eventually (after so very much waiting and talking and looking and waiting…) Girly Pie was given a bit of a loopy drug, the name of which eludes me at the moment, to lessen her reaction to being messed with and to make her forget the whole ordeal when it was over. She was definitely happier after the drug - she had been horrified up to that point by anyone even looking at her or taking her pulse, let alone sticking needles in her face! But even with the happy juice, she fought like crazy when they tried to wrap her up in the blanket to do the procedure. She was numb and a little sedated, but still fully conscious - and fully ticked off to be so rudely messed with.

Poor thing.

So as if that wasn't bad enough, after I was finally able to hold her again and calm her down, while she was sucking on a popsicle BOTH of her stitches popped out.

So they had to do it AGAIN.

That is the point at which, as her Mommy, it really got hard for me. I had already told her we were all done, she was in my arms and ready to go. But that wound just opened right back up, and aside from just not wanting her to have a big scar on her face for the rest of her life, I just could not imagine how the healing process would go with such a big, floppy wound.

So I agreed to try it one more time, stating that if these new stitches failed that we were done and she was just meant to have a scar.

So they did it again. They used a heavier gauge suture, and did three stitches instead of two. And she fought even harder.

The hardest part for me though was not so much the fighting and crying. That was actually a good thing. I was glad to see her fighting and not just accepting such abuse. But when she plaintively called out "Mama! MAAAMAAA!" through that second procedure I just about lost it.

I just could not imagine how terrified she was in that moment, her head held down by strangers, bright lights in her face, her lip numb and her body reacting to a strange drug in her system that made her feel out of control. And when she called for the one person she trusts most in the world to help her - I couldn't. I couldn't help her, and I couldn’t stop the fear.

I just talked to her all through it and stroked and held what parts of her little body I could without disturbing the doctors, and I prayed like crazy. I prayed that God would give her peace and not let this be a scarring event in her life - emotionally, I mean. I could care less about the physical scar compared to that. And I prayed that she really would just forget the whole thing, and that it wouldn't be something that would really affect her as she grows.

So finally, long past when I ached to hold her, they finished the last stitch and I got to pick up my frightened, sweaty, exhausted little girl. And she really did calm down quickly. She did not like any of the hospital folks after that, though I can hardly blame her. But she was happy to be in my arms, and we went home shortly thereafter.

Girly Pie was asleep before we even got out of the parking lot, and slept like a rock for the whole hour + ride home. The poor girl had missed her usual naps and hadn't eaten since her very meager breakfast at 7:30 this morning. We left the ER at 3 in the afternoon.

But when she woke up, she was happy and snuggly and ready to get up and get to playing at home. She still wants to grab at her lip, which we of course are not supposed to let her do, but she is eating fine and as far as I can tell is not feeling any pain from the whole incident.

And though I can't tell for sure, I feel like my prayers really were answered, and Girly Pie seems to have forgotten the trauma of the ER today already. She has not been overly clingy or fearful, and she really has been her same old, adventurous self all evening. She has already given us several scares from climbing and trying to fall. I'm not super thrilled about the scares, but it's still a good sign that she's feeling like herself.

Sigh.

So that was my day. I had big plans for a mellow day at home, a bit of school and tidying up, maybe a trip to a park after her nap. But God had other plans for our day.

And really, aside from the pain of watching her through that second procedure as she called for me - and thinking about just how terrified and awful she was feeling in that moment - through the whole day I was so aware of God's gifts for the day. I never had those thoughts of "If only she hadn't fallen!" I was so focused on being thankful that God had everything under control. The day was crazy, there were such hard moments, and nothing went as smoothly as it could have. But the trouble with the doc's office ended up being a blessing. And the doc not being able to do the stitching was a blessing too. Can you imagine if they had tried in the office and failed? It would have been even more traumatic there, and then we would have had to go to the hospital in the end anyway, since the stitches clearly needed to be done in such a special way. And what if we had gone to our old doc and they had tried to do a less-than-the-best fix for her? I was just so thankful that God paved the whole day to get my girl, His girl, where she needed to go for the best care.

So today really was such a good reminder to me that stuff happens in life. There are no promises that we'll be protected from hardships. But God does make a way to get you through those hard times, and he makes sure you are carried safely to the other side.

Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him... (emphasis mine)

So today was a much needed perspective check, and I feel firmly kicked out of my little cave of worry over the things to come. I've been stuck here in neutral for a few weeks, wondering how to do all that I have to do, and feeling overwhelmed by all I feel I must do. But in all that, I lost sight of God's power to carry me through any hard times to come, and I lost focus on the gifts and blessings he has blessed me with along the way.

As our pastor recently said powerfully in a message about the young David in the Bible before he was king - I was like the other Israelites, focusing on the Giant - unlike David, who put his focus on the Giant Killer - God.

So today I am happily, joyfully, thankfully back where I belong. My eyes are on my Giant Killer. The giants of my life - the duties, the fears, the sensory disorders, the responsibilities, the worries of failing those I love the most – will no longer receive my utmost attention. God, the defender of us all, the slayer of all of life's Giants, is where my eyes are pointed once again.

And I never would have thought He would remind me of that simple truth by walking me through a day of trauma and pain in my baby girl's life. But He does indeed work in mysterious ways. And my baby is safe and happy and sleeping soundly in her bed.

I have nothing in the whole world to complain about. I have only thanks to give this night.

Grumpiness Update

Well I did indeed end up having a very nice time at the family gathering yesterday. The car ride was decent. The kids were happy and cooperative. My headache lingered but did lessen. And after a rather adrenaline-pumping experience of just barely making it back to the car in time for our ferry to board ( I actually threw kids in seats just in time to barely get in the driver seat and get the car in gear as I drove onto the ferry without anyone buckled! That's crazy for me!), my focus was back on the rush of life and not so much stuck in the doldrums. So that helped. ;o)

But the highlight of the day, the thing that helped it all to come back around so that I could really remember why I find so much joy in the work that I do and in the family that I work so very hard for, was in the hour I spent in a community pool at the beach house where the gathering was. All four of our kids wanted to go in, so my husband was not quite enough to keep them all in arm's reach (only one is really a swimmer, and even with life jackets, Goose is too scared to do any floating alone) which meant that I had to put on a swimsuit and join the crew.

I do like swimming, but I do not like cold. So to go into any body of water that is cooler than a bathtub is a bit of a bother to me. But my baby girl was so happy to go in the water, and those boys' smiles were so big, that I just couldn't say no. So once I was suited and in the pool, the fun really began.

Punky was a complete fish. Once he had on a snorkel, I was shocked to find that he can actually fully swim! He's built like a brick and sinks like a rock, so even with strokes and skills he has had a hard time in the past. But he was completely confident and capable yesterday. I was so proud of and happy for him. My boy is so big. Finny was thrilled to toodle around in his life jacket, and he even took it off towards the end and did great just paddling around with a floaty kickboard. He is clearly well on his way to swimming independence, too. Goose was so proud to be in the big pool. "Wook Mommy. I'm swimmin' in duh poow!" He was quite the cling-on with either my Hubby or myself, but he was so cute and thrilled to kick and "swim" all over the place.

And then there was Girly Pie. She's never been in a big pool before. I know she likes baths and the little blow up backyard pools we put out on hot days, but she can always touch the bottom in those situations. But that girl LOVES to swim! Her whole body squirmed and kicked with delight as we floated her around in the pool. She kicked enthusiastically, and seemed completely unfazed by any distance from us - we could hold her out at arm's length and she gladly just kicked away, enjoying the sensation of the water all around her. The smile on her face was so wide made it look as though her cheeks were literally ready to split apart! Her little face is burned in my mind in one of those never-to-be-forgotten memories.

I guess I've gotten a little overwhelmed lately by all that it takes to keep a larger family running - the laundry, the food planning and prep, the school planning, cleaning, organizing, not to mention disciplining and putting out the fires between my three busy boys right now. And the struggles with Finny's SPD are hard on me, too. I have been so busy pouring myself into getting on top of things with him, and keeping afloat in the sea of daily duties that I have lost the focus on the daily joys. And some days, I honestly don't seem to have time for the daily joys.

But yesterday, watching my baby girl light up with the new and wonderful experience of feeling weightless in a vast expanse of water was almost a spiritual experience for me. To see all my children so lit up by the joy of that hour in the pool did wonders for my heart.

Yes, there is a lot to do. And yes, there are times when I am doing so much "damage control" with one or another of my more demanding or needy children that I will miss out on the simpler and more enjoyable moments with them or the others.

But that's not all there is to it. And I do not want to get so caught up in the trials that I miss the rewards and the joys.

So today, thanks in part to an hour in a pool, and thanks in larger part to my Hubby who has blessed me today with a bit of a "day off" after I broke down and told him I was just overloaded and needed a chance to just rest and be off duty for some of today, I do feel much better.

Today I got to spend a few quiet moments with each of those whom I love so much. I slept in a bit and had a few quiet moments to read the Bible before I started my day. I had a bit of a quiet time with my Hubby. I sat and picked a few blackberries to munch with Girly Pie. I played Legos alone with Finny. I had a short but sweet snuggle with Goose after his rest. And though I have not had time yet with just Punky, I do plan to read a bit extra with him tonight in our time together at bedtime, so I can just enjoy that sweet big boy of mine. And we all ate lunch quietly together. And we all took a walk. And my Man made breakfast and brought home lunch and will help with dinner. My kids are enjoying the day of rest, and I am already feeling refreshed and ready to begin a new week.

So yesterday's big whine-fest was truly driven by a struggling heart and a tired and weak body that has been pushed past its limits for awhile. But today I feel the joy in this life God has blessed me with has been renewed. I feel better ready to handle the speed bumps on the road ahead.

I feel more like myself, in other words. Which is much better than this curmudgeon that seems to have taken over my body lately! ;o)

Five.

Five.

It’s a pretty great number, isn’t it? I’ve never really thought about it too much, but really, it’s very nice.

We have fingers on each hand and five toes on each foot. Each number on a clock face counts for five minutes. Five is half of ten, which in a base ten number system, makes it pretty useful. It’s an odd number. It’s a prime number. It’s a Fibonacci number. It’s a great age – they are suddenly so big, so aware – and yet still so small and sweet at the same time. It’s two pairs and a single. Five arms on a sea star (or most stars for that matter). Five petals on a flower (at least most flowers drawn by little hands). Five love languages. Five star restaurants. On a scale of one to five.

And then there are the many wonderful uses in literature and music. Five Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed. Five Little Ducks Went Out to Play. Five Little Monkeys Swinging in the Tree (teasing Mr. Alligator, “Can’t catch me!” – you know that one, right?). Five Little Peppers and How They Grew (great book). One of my husband’s favorite five allusions… Johnny Five is Alive. Remember that one? ;o) Five Litte Fishies Swimming in a Pool. Five Bears in the Bed.

The list goes on.

Five. It is indeed a nice number. It’s not a number I’ve ever really given much thought to before. I’m usually more of an evens girl myself. I like equal pairs, normally. They just fit nicely in my moments of more linear thinking.

But five is growing on me. I like the idea of it being one more than two equal pairs. Being a little odd is a good thing, after all. One hand full.

Five.

So… Any curiosity as to why I have this sudden fascination with the number five?

Any guesses? Anyone?

Well. I am currently pondering and admiring the number five… because in about 6 months I will be the proud mama of five little blessings.

Yep. We’re expecting another little one, due to arrive in early February, 2010.

It’s a little surprising (though not terribly so…) and a lot humbling. It’s slightly intimidating and hugely honoring. I cannot believe we are being blessed again with a new little person to love, guide and encourage. I get to meet that new little life, and be the first one to hold them in my arms. I get to memorize the face of another little being. I get to see God’s fingerprints all over the creation of another of His most precious creations – a new son or daughter, made in His own image.

I really cannot even find the words to describe all the thoughts that go along with this exciting experience.

I know that for many, five children are A LOT. I get constant comments in public places about how full my hands are as it is, so I can only imagine the looks and comments that are to come with 5 little ones all under the age of 8. But to me, that’s really not at all what it’s about. I do feel like I have less time to just sit around and dream about this new little baby to come than I have with the others. And I have been through pregnancy and birth four times before, so I can’t exactly say I am surprised by the stages and sensations that come along with this precious time of life. But it is still no less miraculous, no less awe-inspiring to consider.

When I sit down and take a moment to consider how far this little life has already come in the 14 weeks of his or her existence, I am amazed all over again, just as I was the first time I pondered these same thoughts 8 years ago while pregnant with Punky. And to think that in six short months we will be welcoming a new son or daughter into our family, a new name to love, a new face to cherish, and new little soul to meet and become acquainted with… well, I really am constantly in awe of God’s power to bring two half cells, just barely large enough for the naked eye to see, together and create from them a perfect little life.

So, clearly it’s not old news to me to do this “all over again.” It’s familiar, it’s comfortable… and it’s still exciting and amazing and lovely.

And I get to have five little wonders to raise and love! Wow.

And they get to grow up together – five of them – as siblings in a big, happy, blessed, uneven and quirky family.

(And, just as a side note, I get to learn how to educate two children while still having three little ones to also love, raise and entertain… it’s going to be an interesting year around here, to be sure.)

So there you go. The joys of five. I can hardly wait! (But really, I’ve got A LOT to do before February… so I CAN actually wait just fine. That is one very big difference from my first pregnancy to my fifth!)

I wish I brought my camera!

We had so much fun today!

I took my four kiddos, plus Mary Grace's three oldest and we headed out to a berry farm about 45 minutes from home to pick raspberries.

The kids were so great at picking and happily stayed nearby on our same "lane" so I could keep an eye on all seven kids at once. They especially loved when I would send them as "scouts" down to different lanes of berries to report which was the most promising lane to head down next. MG's three picked for their family and my crew and I picked for ourselves, and both families ended up with +/- 9 pounds of fresh raspberries. I can't believe how effective those little eyes and hands are at finding and picking berries. Even Finny was really, really great!

Goose was less effective, and most definitely ate more than he collected. But he was so cute as he'd come running down the lane to me hollering, "I got one! I got a beewy! Hewe, Mommy." As he dropped one proudly into my collecting box. I'm sure he collected a total of 20 berries throughout the entire afternoon. But he had a great time, and was very proud of each of those 20 berries.

And Girly Pie happily walked up and down the dusty, dirty lane following the procession of poking, picking, hollering, laughing and chatting children. Every once in a while she would find a promising branch of berries and squat down in that cute toddler squat to indulge herself. I loved watching her dirt and berry stained face as she would smile and nod, mouth full of berries, and say, "Mmmmm."

By the time we were finally loading up in the car, every single pair of feet was completely covered in fine dirt, and every pair of hands was coated a sticky brown, highlighted of course with berry juice. Goose and Girly Pie had completely brown and red faces. Girly Pie even had some chunks of berry in her hair.

It was great.

So home we drove, with seven happy little people all buckled in and chatting away the 45 minute ride home. Girly Pie and Goose fell asleep quickly and slept through more laughing and jostling than one can imagine. The sleep of exhausted, happy babies with berry-filled bellies.

14 filthy hands. 14 socks encrusted with dirt and most likely beyond saving. 7 smiling brown faces. 18 pounds of raspberries. 1 filthy car. An uncountable number of smiles.

And one happy momma and friend.

It was well worth the $36 for the berries. Today was a day I will not soon forget. I just love days like this.

And I can't BELIEVE I didn't bring my camera. I guess I'll just have to keep those mental snapshots and hope they last forever. Somehow, I think they will.

Happy Birthday to Me.

Hmm...

Just as I suspected.

I woke up this morning on my thirtieth birthday...

And I feel just the same as I did yesterday. ;o)

Only I guess I've been more celebrated and gifted by my wonderful family and friends today. Which is wonderful and great and makes me feel so loved. It's great!

So now I am officially thirty. 30. Three decades done, the fourth begins today.

I can only hope that God has in mind to bless me with a few more wonderful decades to come. But, for today I am just thankful for the years I have had, and the day I have been blessed with today.

Oh, and I'm thankful for my new HUGE wooden picnic table that my Dad and Hubby got me for my birthday. Now my whole family, and guests, can eat all together on sunny days in the backyard. It's so exciting!

"What," you might ask, "is it like to have a baby girl in a family with three big brothers?"

Well, it's a little bit like this:

Notice the pink shortalls? And the pigtails? Notice the very pink baby doll in the toy baby carrier on her back? Ahh. But did you also notice the golf club swinging from her right hand? And the Samurai sword she's brandishing in her left?

Yes. That's what it is like having a baby girl with three older brothers.

A little bit of everything. And so stinking cute and funny I can hardly stand it.

Family fun

I just love watching my kiddos play together! Goose and Girly Pie are so cute together right now. She just adores him, and he is completely in love with her, too. It's so cute how now that she's walking, Goose likes to follow her around and hold onto her shoulders, like a little choo-choo train together! Of course it's a bit of a problem since she keeps falling over when he does it. But still, it's cute.

And lately Finny and Goose have started forming their own little friendship. For the most part, it's always been Punky leading the crew, with Finny mostly following him in everything. In the past year or so since Goose has been more of a little guy and less of a baby, he's just happily followed along - only throwing fits when for some reason he can't be in the same room with whatever the big boys are doing. But for the most part, Punky and Finny have played fairly exclusively. They have been the buds, everyone else has just been a third wheel.

But now Finny has discovered the sheer joy of being in charge of someone else! He's found that when he plays with Goose, HE gets to deiced on the game, and HE gets to pick which guy he is. HE gets to lead someone around the house and have someone else hang on his every word. Goose adores him and loves to do whatever Finny suggests, and Finny is shining in his role as leading big brother. And I LOVE IT!

Punky is a born leader, and he very much enjoys that role. But sometimes he's a little... ahem... shall we say... bossy? And Finny has this sort of defeatist attitude about Punky always getting his way. He usually just gives in to his big brother, but as he's grown older and has tried to assert his own opinion and independence, he'll often throw a bit of a fit or just whine insessantly at his big brother to try and be heard. Of course, most of the time Punky doesn't even bat an eye. He seems to not even hear his poor little brother's pleadings. So someone ends up getting upset and timeouts are divvied out and the game ends badly. And I feel so bad that poor Finny never really gets his way. Even when I do intervene, he's just the little brother, so it's just hard for Big Brother to follow his lead. That's just not the dynamic between them.

But now often I'll find Finny happily running around, with Goose hot on his heels, announcing what they'll be playing and suggesting (with surprisingly good manners and kind words) what dress up clothes they should don next. Goose is of course thrilled to not only be allowed in the game, but to actually be getting some attention and say in said game. They are so cute running around in matching Batman suits or Superman jammies or Incredibles gear.

But of course, then Punky comes along and laments that he feels left out now that Finny and Goose are playing so much together.

Sigh.

You just can't win. ;o)

I did take that opportunity to talk to him about the give and take of playing with his brothers. I pointed out how nice it was for Finny to be the leader and to get the chance to choose the game and the details without having to fight so hard to be heard. I said that I was sure they'd include him in their game, if he was willing to join their game and follow them - but not just jump in and take over. So far I've not seen much improvement, and He often goes off on his own to do something else. But we'll see if any personal growth can come from this for sweet, but bossy, Punky.

And then there's the little Princess-with-four-handsome-young-knights dynamic! I have to say it is so very sweet to see how much they all adore that little girl. They all clamour for her attention and love to help her get things to make her happy. Finny and Punky love to carry her around when they're allowed to, and they are always so willing to accommodate for their little sister, even when it's terribly inconvenient to them. They pick up small toys and move games to higher ground. They accept toppled towers and slimy pencils that she has found and slobbered one - all without a single complaint. I have had to restart many a movie after she has pushed the DVD player's buttons mid-show, but they never seem to mind a bit. Stories have ended early from her fussing, games are put on hold until naptime, fun is shushed while she's alseep. But those boys never even seem to give it a thought. That's just something that happens with a baby around. And that's all there is to it.

So life in our home with four little ones really is so much fun right now. I really do so enjoy the gift of watching them all grow up as siblings. I'm sure I've mentioned it before, but having grown up an only child, it's just such a neat and novel thing for me to see them all living and loving together on a daily basis. I feel so blessed to be a part of such a family.

And I think that my kids feel pretty blessed to be a part of one, too.

A Year in Pictures

Words escape me.

Happy First Birthday to my Sweet Girly Pie.

I love you.