Soul Music

I was having an oddly low day today. I really had to struggle to keep positive (or maybe afloat is a more accurate word here) which is unusual for me. I prayed constantly today in the hopes that just by His mere presence God would somehow restore the general sense of peace and joy I daily take for granted.

But apparently it wasn't His Own presence God had in mind to settle my spirit today.

Apparently it was Finny's.

Tuesdays are busy for us right now. Finny has a 10-11am gymnastics class and Punky has a 2-4pm homeschool class at the YMCA which includes swim lessons and alternating gym and art classes each week. Both of these classes are in the next town over from us, a solid 25-30 minute drive from our door to theirs. Thankfully it's just a short season, and both kids seem very blessed by these classes, so it's something we're willing to do... but myohmy, I was not created to be an on-the-go mom! And poor Girly Pie and Goose!

But today we were blessed in that Mary Grace was able to take Punky to the 2pm class with her kiddos, so I was able to drive the kids home after Finny's morning class for a full lunch and everyone but Punky got a decent rest or nap depending on their needs. It was clearly a much needed nap for Goose and for Girly Pie, both of whom were most definitely not going to make it through the rest of the day without it! And though Finny fought the alone time in his room, he did seem to benefit from it.

Oh. And I really enjoyed the quiet time, too.

So when Finny's rest time ended (the story on CD is set on a timer and when it clicks off they know their "rest time" is over and they are free to come out and join me) I was still in my bed finishing up a very nice worship time of music and Bible reading. I was feeling fairly refreshed and mellow, though I admit I was still oddly pensive and a bit gloomy feeling. But instead of both big boys trampling down the stairs to find me catching up on chores or computer time, I just had one quiet boy amble into my room, and together we stumbled into one of the nicest afternoons I've had in a really long time.

He joined my on my bed and I snuggled him up into me. I could smell the dirt in his skin from yesterday's yard play. And the sun was coming into the room just so, lighting up his fair skin and the little blond fuzz on his arms and neck. He was just so snuggly and yielding, which he is at times but not all the time. It was so nice to chat with him without interruption. No baby needing my arms. No toddler bouncing around with funny little antics. No older brother butting into each and every part of the conversation to offer up his own thoughts. Nope. None of that. Just me and my Finny William.

We talked about Easter and Jesus. Usually it's Punky who gets into the deeper theological discussions around here, and Finny is often just left there looking like a much younger child who really doesn't "get it" yet. So I was honestly surprised to hear what a strong grasp he has of Jesus and His sacrifice for us. He seemed perfectly aware of His death and resurrection, and understood why it had to be so. I was surprised by this mostly because Finny currently struggles with some pretty intense fears and sadness over anything remotely close to death or sadness. So to see him so matter of fact about the whole thing was really neat.

And then we talked about how we get to live forever in heaven. And about how in heaven you don't have any pain or fear... and you don't get ear infections (he is currently recovering from one), and you don't need ear tubes in heaven, nor do you need to get your tonsils taken out there (have I mentioned last year's surgery to have his tonsils and adenoids removed and to have ear tubes inserted to help with his chronic ear troubles?). He laughed at that, and was very pleased to realize that in heaven, he could swim or shower and not fear water getting in his ears. My heart hurt to see how simply he accepted how it is here - my strong little boy, already so much more aware of sacrifice and burdens than so many other five year olds. But it was so sweet to really know that someday, if my husband and I do our part well and if Finny stays on this path towards Jesus, he will be in a place free of these burdens of pain and suffering. And it was so fun to dream about that with him. Forever in heaven, always happy, never sad or lonely.

He was smiling the whole time. And I held his hand in mine, cradling it and turning over his little fingers, studying them, memorizing them and their smallness, their softness. The bright sun still lighting up all those blond little fuzzy hairs, the window cracked to let in the sounds of passing trains and breezes flitting through the trees.

The whole time I had my music playing, a little CD my husband put together from me with some of my favorite praise songs and a bunch of other country and oldies songs I like. It was pretty funny when Finny asked me to turn off the music. He said it made him "nervous." I tried to get him to explain to me why it made him feel nervous, and the best he could put to words was that they were all about Jesus and hearing songs about only him just made him feel "nervous." (For the record, they weren't all Christian songs, only a small portion - but it is a mix of music with a lot of heartwarming songs that definitely spark emotions in me.) So I'm not sure my five year old's understanding of the word nervous fits the feeling he was actually having, but I did find it interesting and sweet to see him so aware of the emotions that music brought out in him.

Another striking moment for me was during a snippet of our talk involving guns. We don't allow toy guns in our house and though the boys have small character toys with guns (Lego guys, etc.) they aren't allowed to play with or pretend to have life size guns. I'm just not ready to watch my boys pretend to kill each other. I've heard it may just be inevitable and I'll just need to get over it. But for now... I'm still holding strong!

But... Finny mentioned something about guns and how we don’t have them and how he'd never want toy guns. And it sparked a memory of a story my dad told me from his childhood. It was the first and only time he'd ever gone hunting. He went out in the California desert as a young man (old boy?) with a gun, and he heard a song bird. He saw it far in the distance and just for fun tried to shoot it, figuring it was too far off and he'd miss anyway. Well he hit the bird, and its song died along with it. My dad went home and put the gun away and never picked a gun up again. He was so heartbroken over the life he'd taken - over the contrast of the beauty of the bird's song to the harshness of the gun that killed it - that he just couldn't bear to take another life again.

So as I told this story to Finny, in a more watered down way of course, he turned his head aside and started to cry softly. This is the same boy who so openly accepted Christ's gift of His own life in exchange for our sin... the same boy who had only moments before discussed the beating and the crown of thorns... and yet his heart could not bear the thought of that little song bird dying in the desert, nor the thought of his young Grampa being so sad over the death of that little bird.

It was just such a sweet moment. He was a little sad, but still talking about it, and our talk took a few more twists and turns from there. That little boy has such a soft heart.

Sigh.

Later I brought up a little bag of candy I had and we divided up some pieces to share. He had fun counting them all out and finding patterns and making shapes and letters with them. He loves that kind of thing.

So through the whole time we spent together - maybe an hour total - I just felt so close to him, and so blessed to be his mom, to have him for a son. And I felt so thankful for all of my children. I very much enjoy the time I spend with all four of my kids together, and the times with just a couple of them. But when I really get to have just a little chunk of time like that with just one of them I am always amazed at how much I really enjoy that. It's just a special treat and it's one that I am so grateful to have the opportunity to enjoy now and then. I am so blessed to be a stay at home mom. I have a husband who works so very hard so that I can be home to raise and care for our children! And I get to homeschool. How hard would it be to carve out that special time with my kids if they were gone all day five days a week!? And I have a friend who can make a car trip for me now and then so that I can have just those extra two hours in the afternoon to spend refueling my spirit.

So that was my gift today. I admit that I still struggled to keep positive as the day wore on. There must be something rumbling in my soul that will be revealed later. Or maybe it was just a weird day. But that little snippet of my day really feels like a bright ray of sunshine on an otherwise gray day.

I can still smell his dirty boyish smell. I can still see the translucent look of his skin as the sun shone so brightly on it. Those little peach fuzzies are so clear in my mind's eye. Those hands - so small. That giggle at the thought of an ear infection-free heaven. The quiet tears shed over a little lost life. I think part of what made it so special was that Finny was himself, too. He wasn't frustrated or straining. He wasn't distant and happily floating in his own little Finny World. He was not competing with anyone else, nor was he striving to get my attention. He just had it, and he was happy for it, but not straining. It was just the most natural thing in the world. And sometimes in a house with 6 people, it's a little hard to find completely natural time to just be yourself with someone.

And as an only child, though I rarely get such moments, and really don't even try for them, I really do feel so refreshed when I am gifted with them. I forget how much a part of me that quiet one-on-one time is. It is just music to my soul.