Time.
60 seconds in a minute. 60 minutes in an hour. 24 hours in a day. 7 days in a week. 52 weeks in a year.
It is what it is and it doesn't change – at least it hasn't in my lifetime.
And yet, it can feel so very different from one day, one month, one season to the next. Some days you wonder how you will ever make it to dinner time, and other days suddenly it’s 20 minutes past your normal dinner hour and you look up and wonder in amazement, “Where did the day go?”
A few weeks back I felt like I had so very, very much to do and so very, VERY little time in which to do it all. I felt robbed of all that I wanted to do and overwhelmed with all I HAD to do. It was a funny mix of “Where did the day go, I’ve hardly done a THING!?” and “How can I possibly survive until my Hubby gets home? This day is taking forever!”
A few months from now, I may very well be back in that same spot. But right now, at least for the past two weeks or so, I suddenly see so much potential for my time, and suddenly it seems everything is falling neatly into place each day.
Suddenly, the time I have been blessed with each day seems perfectly matched to the tasks which lay before me.
Right now, in this particular stretch of time (and I can only pray this “stretch” lasts for a LONG time!) everything lines up. And each moment of each day, from my always too-early seeming wake up to my always too-late feeling plop into bed, feels rewarding, challenging, fun and... right where I want to be.
I know most of the difference is my own perspective and attitude. Honestly, since Girly Pie’s emergency room adventure a couple of weeks back, my eyes have definitely been on my Maker to take care of me and carry me through my struggles rather than on my own lack of ability to get through them. My eyes have also been back on Him with an attitude of thanks for the blessings I have been given, rather my view of my blessings being blocked by the obstacles of life and my own negativity and fears.
And I’m pretty sure that just that shift of focus has made the most difference in how I have felt since then. I feel God has blessed that shift in focus back to Him. I'm looking back where He wanted me to look, and I do feel He's pleased with that.
There is something else though, too. In addition to changing where my focus is (or maybe because of that change?) I’ve also felt more driven and inspired in working out a daily routine that better fits our family’s needs.
I’ve tried and failed so many times before at schedules and routinesmore times that I care to count let alone admit out loud. Really, to tell the truth, I hate schedules. I go into them kicking and screaming, and usually run right back out the same way. And there is absolutely no guarantee that this time will be any different.
But, at least for the moment, this time does feel different. This time, I really can feel God's hand in how our days are going. I actually feel like He gave me the the inspiration I have been desperately seeking and revealed to me how He knew our days would best be spent.
I can see my days in chunks and I know what will fill those chunks. I have been shown what has been lacking, and those gaps are being filled daily now. I feel guided and structured, but not restricted and confined.
Sure, I have much less “me time” than I did before, but somehow the time I do find to be free and mine is getting better used and I appreciate it more. Instead of sneaking in little snippets here and there at the computer or at finishing the smaller tasks around the house left undone, I see now how I was taking away from the more important things I want to do each day. I also see that while I was constantly multi tasking every moment of every day, I was never really fully in any given moment or task. I was always only semi-present. And so I missed the joy in most of what I did.
And now I am so very much enjoying my days, even though I am doing so much more than I was before! And yet, I feel like I have MORE time than I did before.
It's amazing really.
Maybe I’ll post the skeleton of my daily schedule/routine another day, but the meat and potatoes of the plan is not really my point today. My point is just that time never really does change, but what you do with it, and the attitude and perspective you have during the time you are blessed with, really does make a huge difference in how your time is passed, and in how you feel in each moment you have.
Or at least that’s my thought on the matter. For the moment, anyway.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Thursday, August 20, 2009
It's going to be great!
I'm so very excited...
I am going to try and sew my very first skirt for Girly Pie this evening. And I get to hang out and chat with my best bud Mary Grace while I'm at it.
It's going to be such a fun evening!
I just hope I can figure out how to gather for the skirt... Guess we'll see!
I am going to try and sew my very first skirt for Girly Pie this evening. And I get to hang out and chat with my best bud Mary Grace while I'm at it.
It's going to be such a fun evening!
I just hope I can figure out how to gather for the skirt... Guess we'll see!
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
It's working!
So I know many homeschoolers are in full school swing by this point in August, but we here are just starting to get slowly back into the groove. My biggest goal for the weeks I consider "warm up time" is to see what kind of daily schedule I can work out for us all.
I want to fit in the basic, and mostly independent, school stuff for Punky and have been trying out a few different methods to see how he can best know what he needs to accomplish during this time on his own in the day. So far, though we've had some days when he is clearly not all there and plugged in (he is a seven year old boy - I would expect no less!), he seems to be getting the hang of just setting to work and getting his independent work done quickly and efficiently, with much less tendency to be distracted than when we started.
During this time when he is productively occupied, I am also trying to figure out how I can best use my time elsewhere. Should that be a time to get all my household duties done? Would that make a good pre-k time for Finny and Goose? Should I make it a mommy-daughter time with Girly Pie before she has her nap? I'm not sure yet... but since GP's nap is in transition from two medium naps a day to one longer one, she's still not a concrete person to count on at any particular time in the day yet, so I am leaning towards chores or pre-k time.
I also want to make a time in the day (hopefully while GP is asleep) when I can dive into the fun stuff with P and F. We'll be doing some unit studies, though I do not want to make them super-duper academic. I want that part of our schooling to be fun, exciting, mentally stimulating but not overly taxing - and really the part of the day we all look forward to the most. So having one less distracting little one around is a good fit for that. That will be the time when we do related crafts, science experiments and any bigger games or activities involved with our topic of study. I might also do the reading on the topic then, but I'm not sure.
And of course I need to make sure I'm available every two hours to be heading up the OT exercise for Finny, so I'll need to fine tune what the others are doing during those short but important times when he and I work together. Distraction is particularly hard for Finny to work through, so I am learning way s to have others occupied so he and I can find those 5-10 minute times to just focus on our work (it's harder than it sounds in a house with four young children to keep the other three from distracting one in particular)
The other key to our new days is learning how to keep everyone directed, even when I am not personally involved with each of their activities. I am learning the art of assigning and rotating activities for all three boys - even just fun, simple stuff like Duplos, playdough, blocks and magnets. Instead of letting them roam freely in between set work times, choosing those same activites or others as they please, I want to have more of the day structured where they are focused on specific kinds of activities, though still mostly playing (since they are still so young!). The focus and direction is mainly for Finny, since his therapist has encouraged me to minimize his completely free-range time, as he tends to lose his self regulating ability when left to his own devices for more than a few minutes. This new kind of directing and rotation is not really my natural approach to things, so it's been a bit of a slow learning curve, but I am finding fruit in it for all of us, and as I get more accustomed to it, I think it will suit us well over the coming years.
So all this to say I have a lot to finagle into our days, and that's really not even including basics like meals, most household work, one-on-one time with any of the kids... and many other very important things. But it's a good start, and we're finding some ways that work - and some ways that don't!
But today, it really went beautifully for the morning, even though we got off on a late start. We had a false wake at 4:40 from Miss Girly Pie and though we all fell back asleep, we were slow moving when we did wake up. Then our aging dog surprised us with a nice smelly mess in his kennel this morning, so among other things, we just had a lot to do before we could really get moving this morning. So I was sure all the school/schedule stuff was going to be a wash this morning. But Punky, though late to start, cruised right through his independent work with not a lick of help needed from me, Goose happily spent his free time playing nicely with Finny, and I was able to finish the morning work later than usual and to put GP down for nap, again later than usual. But when I came down from GP's nap routine, I found Punky sitting at the work table diligently plodding away at his math book, and right across from him was happy, "just right engine" Finny, who had decided this looked like the perfect time to pull out his reading lesson and begin going through it on his own.
Normally we do that together, and it is not something I am at all looking to have him do independently. (what's the point of homeschooling if I can't even be the one to sit down and watch my kids learn to read!?) But I was just so tickled to see that with all the effort I've been putting into our mornings, it seems the idea of working and staying on task with productive efforts seems to be setting in. The fact that instead of coming down from the nap routine to find Punky distracted by Finny's play time with Goose, I found Finny drawn into the quiet table time. I guess it's time to find at least one or two kindergarten-ish workbooks so that Finny can have something to do for his own "work" time, since he clearly would like something of that nature to call his own.
And that is something I hope to see more of in the coming years, though I know there will still be many a day (month, year...) of finding the workers distracted by the players, I do hope that we will see more and more of the players joining in on the more directed learning experience.
So it is working. My children are learning routines and self direction. They still have plenty of time to play in the day, and much of their directed time is still spent in just doing simple activities that they enjoy, with none of the three R's covered through the process. But they are learning something through it all.
And so am I!
I want to fit in the basic, and mostly independent, school stuff for Punky and have been trying out a few different methods to see how he can best know what he needs to accomplish during this time on his own in the day. So far, though we've had some days when he is clearly not all there and plugged in (he is a seven year old boy - I would expect no less!), he seems to be getting the hang of just setting to work and getting his independent work done quickly and efficiently, with much less tendency to be distracted than when we started.
During this time when he is productively occupied, I am also trying to figure out how I can best use my time elsewhere. Should that be a time to get all my household duties done? Would that make a good pre-k time for Finny and Goose? Should I make it a mommy-daughter time with Girly Pie before she has her nap? I'm not sure yet... but since GP's nap is in transition from two medium naps a day to one longer one, she's still not a concrete person to count on at any particular time in the day yet, so I am leaning towards chores or pre-k time.
I also want to make a time in the day (hopefully while GP is asleep) when I can dive into the fun stuff with P and F. We'll be doing some unit studies, though I do not want to make them super-duper academic. I want that part of our schooling to be fun, exciting, mentally stimulating but not overly taxing - and really the part of the day we all look forward to the most. So having one less distracting little one around is a good fit for that. That will be the time when we do related crafts, science experiments and any bigger games or activities involved with our topic of study. I might also do the reading on the topic then, but I'm not sure.
And of course I need to make sure I'm available every two hours to be heading up the OT exercise for Finny, so I'll need to fine tune what the others are doing during those short but important times when he and I work together. Distraction is particularly hard for Finny to work through, so I am learning way s to have others occupied so he and I can find those 5-10 minute times to just focus on our work (it's harder than it sounds in a house with four young children to keep the other three from distracting one in particular)
The other key to our new days is learning how to keep everyone directed, even when I am not personally involved with each of their activities. I am learning the art of assigning and rotating activities for all three boys - even just fun, simple stuff like Duplos, playdough, blocks and magnets. Instead of letting them roam freely in between set work times, choosing those same activites or others as they please, I want to have more of the day structured where they are focused on specific kinds of activities, though still mostly playing (since they are still so young!). The focus and direction is mainly for Finny, since his therapist has encouraged me to minimize his completely free-range time, as he tends to lose his self regulating ability when left to his own devices for more than a few minutes. This new kind of directing and rotation is not really my natural approach to things, so it's been a bit of a slow learning curve, but I am finding fruit in it for all of us, and as I get more accustomed to it, I think it will suit us well over the coming years.
So all this to say I have a lot to finagle into our days, and that's really not even including basics like meals, most household work, one-on-one time with any of the kids... and many other very important things. But it's a good start, and we're finding some ways that work - and some ways that don't!
But today, it really went beautifully for the morning, even though we got off on a late start. We had a false wake at 4:40 from Miss Girly Pie and though we all fell back asleep, we were slow moving when we did wake up. Then our aging dog surprised us with a nice smelly mess in his kennel this morning, so among other things, we just had a lot to do before we could really get moving this morning. So I was sure all the school/schedule stuff was going to be a wash this morning. But Punky, though late to start, cruised right through his independent work with not a lick of help needed from me, Goose happily spent his free time playing nicely with Finny, and I was able to finish the morning work later than usual and to put GP down for nap, again later than usual. But when I came down from GP's nap routine, I found Punky sitting at the work table diligently plodding away at his math book, and right across from him was happy, "just right engine" Finny, who had decided this looked like the perfect time to pull out his reading lesson and begin going through it on his own.
Normally we do that together, and it is not something I am at all looking to have him do independently. (what's the point of homeschooling if I can't even be the one to sit down and watch my kids learn to read!?) But I was just so tickled to see that with all the effort I've been putting into our mornings, it seems the idea of working and staying on task with productive efforts seems to be setting in. The fact that instead of coming down from the nap routine to find Punky distracted by Finny's play time with Goose, I found Finny drawn into the quiet table time. I guess it's time to find at least one or two kindergarten-ish workbooks so that Finny can have something to do for his own "work" time, since he clearly would like something of that nature to call his own.
And that is something I hope to see more of in the coming years, though I know there will still be many a day (month, year...) of finding the workers distracted by the players, I do hope that we will see more and more of the players joining in on the more directed learning experience.
So it is working. My children are learning routines and self direction. They still have plenty of time to play in the day, and much of their directed time is still spent in just doing simple activities that they enjoy, with none of the three R's covered through the process. But they are learning something through it all.
And so am I!
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Award time!
Thanks, Mary Grace!
Wow. I was given an award! I was humbled this evening to do a quick check before bed and to find that my best friend, IRL and in cyberlife, Mary Grace (who blogs over at Books and Bairns) thought I was deserving of a blogging award for being thankful and/or having a good attitude. So thanks Mary Grace! So I will gladly pass on the joy of being so honored to a few other lovely bloggers I enjoy reading up on.
The rules:
1. Put the logo on your blog or post.
2. Nominate up to 10 blogs which show great attitude and/or gratitude!
3. Be sure to link your nominees within your post.
4. Let them know that they have received this award by commenting on their blog.
5. Remember to link the person from whom you received your award.
So without further ado...
I hereby nominate...
Vicki at Joy Home Living ~ Because as far as I can tell she is always joyful in her life and always has something encouraging to post about - and when she hits a snag, she seems to coast right through without letting it bog her down.
Meghann at The Jones Family ~ Because just reading her blog you can tell she is smiling all the time!
Ellajac at Aspiring to Simplicity ~ Though she just had a baby over the weekend, so she may be awhile before posting again, but I get a kick out of reading about her daily life. And who doesn't want to read the blog of a woman with four girls, the youngest only days old?
Melody at They Call Me Mama ~ Because she posts such beautiful pictures of her beautiful family, and because her posts just seem to ooze with the joy she finds in her daily life as a Mama and wife to her family.
Monday, August 17, 2009
What are little girls made of?
Sugar and spice and everything nice.
... Oh, and ER visits, too.
So I got to spend my first day in an ER today - and it was not with one of my three sons. It was with my little Girly Pie. I've heard many a rumor that girls are docile, calm and still. But not my sweet Girly Pie. She is sweet for sure, and definitely has her daintier qualities. But she is not anywhere near still. She's been a climber since before she could walk, and has given me more than my fair share of scares over the past months of her increasing mobility.
But this morning when she fell and bumped her lip on a small child's bench we keep at our little kid's table, she hardly cried at all, and I never would have thought twice about such a simple stumble.
Except for the fact that there was blood everywhere and her lip had a nasty looking flap of skin hanging off of it.
Looking at it I suspected immediately that it would need something - stitches, skin glue, something like that. I called Mary Grace to confirm my suspicions (I didn't want to be too paranoid, after all lip wounds can look much worse than they really are) and then set to work trying to figure out just what to do.
The really cool thing was that God's hand was all over the day. For a start, my Hubby has Mondays off from field work and he works at home doing phone and office stuff, so I had the flexibility to just go with Girly Pie and not have to worry about who could watch my three boys, or about taking them along and dividing up the attention that I was sure a sad little girl would need fully. And from there, the little twists and turns of the day just led more and more directly to exactly where God knew we needed to go.
Our new insurance is apparently not accepted by our current doctor's office - a fact we just found out this morning when I called to find out if they could squeeze her in for a look. I have never much liked the whole office, and really the only reason we have remained is that it is only 25 minutes away and all the other docs are 40 minutes or more. But I always second guess their thoughts and we never have really been on the same wavelength. So I called my good friend E. who uses the same insurance and has always said wonderful things about their pediatrician. She quickly gave me the number, and off I drove with Girly Pie, waiting on hold on my cell as I headed that direction and going on faith that they would make room for her ASAP. Sure enough, even though the wonderful doc didn't have any openings until 5pm, they made room for Girly Pie right as we arrived at 10am. The new doc was WONDERFUL. I know that I would not have appreciated my old doc's advice as much as Dr. Wonderful's, and he was so sweet with Girly Pie, and so thorough with his exam. He was gentle with her and explained to me the severity of the injury.
Now I will pause in the story here to point out that Girly was not crying during all this time. The fall was minor, the bleeding had stopped, and aside from missing her morning nap, she was really not fazed at all by the whole ordeal of the actual injury. (another small miracle for the day!) So the doc told me all I needed to know, and said that since the cut was on the line between her actual lip and the skin below, and because it was so close to the crack where upper and lower lips meet, it was just a really hard place to stitch up. He saw she did indeed need stitches, but he knew his office was not equipped to do such a delicate job on such a small, and uncooperative, patient.
So we were sent to the Children's Hospital in Seattle, over an hour from our home. He said we could go to others nearer, but that Children’s would be the best equipped to do such a delicate procedure on one so young.
So off we went. Again, this doc's demeanor and his kindness and gentleness with both my girl and this worried momma were so comforting, and I really did trust his opinion. I really see God's hand in the insurance thing sending us away from our other office to this one.
So eventually (after so very much waiting and talking and looking and waiting…) Girly Pie was given a bit of a loopy drug, the name of which eludes me at the moment, to lessen her reaction to being messed with and to make her forget the whole ordeal when it was over. She was definitely happier after the drug - she had been horrified up to that point by anyone even looking at her or taking her pulse, let alone sticking needles in her face! But even with the happy juice, she fought like crazy when they tried to wrap her up in the blanket to do the procedure. She was numb and a little sedated, but still fully conscious - and fully ticked off to be so rudely messed with.
Poor thing.
So as if that wasn't bad enough, after I was finally able to hold her again and calm her down, while she was sucking on a popsicle BOTH of her stitches popped out.
So they had to do it AGAIN.
That is the point at which, as her Mommy, it really got hard for me. I had already told her we were all done, she was in my arms and ready to go. But that wound just opened right back up, and aside from just not wanting her to have a big scar on her face for the rest of her life, I just could not imagine how the healing process would go with such a big, floppy wound.
So I agreed to try it one more time, stating that if these new stitches failed that we were done and she was just meant to have a scar.
So they did it again. They used a heavier gauge suture, and did three stitches instead of two. And she fought even harder.
The hardest part for me though was not so much the fighting and crying. That was actually a good thing. I was glad to see her fighting and not just accepting such abuse. But when she plaintively called out "Mama! MAAAMAAA!" through that second procedure I just about lost it.
I just could not imagine how terrified she was in that moment, her head held down by strangers, bright lights in her face, her lip numb and her body reacting to a strange drug in her system that made her feel out of control. And when she called for the one person she trusts most in the world to help her - I couldn't. I couldn't help her, and I couldn’t stop the fear.
I just talked to her all through it and stroked and held what parts of her little body I could without disturbing the doctors, and I prayed like crazy. I prayed that God would give her peace and not let this be a scarring event in her life - emotionally, I mean. I could care less about the physical scar compared to that. And I prayed that she really would just forget the whole thing, and that it wouldn't be something that would really affect her as she grows.
So finally, long past when I ached to hold her, they finished the last stitch and I got to pick up my frightened, sweaty, exhausted little girl. And she really did calm down quickly. She did not like any of the hospital folks after that, though I can hardly blame her. But she was happy to be in my arms, and we went home shortly thereafter.
Girly Pie was asleep before we even got out of the parking lot, and slept like a rock for the whole hour + ride home. The poor girl had missed her usual naps and hadn't eaten since her very meager breakfast at 7:30 this morning. We left the ER at 3 in the afternoon.
But when she woke up, she was happy and snuggly and ready to get up and get to playing at home. She still wants to grab at her lip, which we of course are not supposed to let her do, but she is eating fine and as far as I can tell is not feeling any pain from the whole incident.
And though I can't tell for sure, I feel like my prayers really were answered, and Girly Pie seems to have forgotten the trauma of the ER today already. She has not been overly clingy or fearful, and she really has been her same old, adventurous self all evening. She has already given us several scares from climbing and trying to fall. I'm not super thrilled about the scares, but it's still a good sign that she's feeling like herself.
Sigh.
So that was my day. I had big plans for a mellow day at home, a bit of school and tidying up, maybe a trip to a park after her nap. But God had other plans for our day.
And really, aside from the pain of watching her through that second procedure as she called for me - and thinking about just how terrified and awful she was feeling in that moment - through the whole day I was so aware of God's gifts for the day. I never had those thoughts of "If only she hadn't fallen!" I was so focused on being thankful that God had everything under control. The day was crazy, there were such hard moments, and nothing went as smoothly as it could have. But the trouble with the doc's office ended up being a blessing. And the doc not being able to do the stitching was a blessing too. Can you imagine if they had tried in the office and failed? It would have been even more traumatic there, and then we would have had to go to the hospital in the end anyway, since the stitches clearly needed to be done in such a special way. And what if we had gone to our old doc and they had tried to do a less-than-the-best fix for her? I was just so thankful that God paved the whole day to get my girl, His girl, where she needed to go for the best care.
So today really was such a good reminder to me that stuff happens in life. There are no promises that we'll be protected from hardships. But God does make a way to get you through those hard times, and he makes sure you are carried safely to the other side.
Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him... (emphasis mine)
So today was a much needed perspective check, and I feel firmly kicked out of my little cave of worry over the things to come. I've been stuck here in neutral for a few weeks, wondering how to do all that I have to do, and feeling overwhelmed by all I feel I must do. But in all that, I lost sight of God's power to carry me through any hard times to come, and I lost focus on the gifts and blessings he has blessed me with along the way.
As our pastor recently said powerfully in a message about the young David in the Bible before he was king - I was like the other Israelites, focusing on the Giant - unlike David, who put his focus on the Giant Killer - God.
So today I am happily, joyfully, thankfully back where I belong. My eyes are on my Giant Killer. The giants of my life - the duties, the fears, the sensory disorders, the responsibilities, the worries of failing those I love the most – will no longer receive my utmost attention. God, the defender of us all, the slayer of all of life's Giants, is where my eyes are pointed once again.
And I never would have thought He would remind me of that simple truth by walking me through a day of trauma and pain in my baby girl's life. But He does indeed work in mysterious ways. And my baby is safe and happy and sleeping soundly in her bed.
I have nothing in the whole world to complain about. I have only thanks to give this night.
... Oh, and ER visits, too.
So I got to spend my first day in an ER today - and it was not with one of my three sons. It was with my little Girly Pie. I've heard many a rumor that girls are docile, calm and still. But not my sweet Girly Pie. She is sweet for sure, and definitely has her daintier qualities. But she is not anywhere near still. She's been a climber since before she could walk, and has given me more than my fair share of scares over the past months of her increasing mobility.
But this morning when she fell and bumped her lip on a small child's bench we keep at our little kid's table, she hardly cried at all, and I never would have thought twice about such a simple stumble.
Except for the fact that there was blood everywhere and her lip had a nasty looking flap of skin hanging off of it.
Looking at it I suspected immediately that it would need something - stitches, skin glue, something like that. I called Mary Grace to confirm my suspicions (I didn't want to be too paranoid, after all lip wounds can look much worse than they really are) and then set to work trying to figure out just what to do.
The really cool thing was that God's hand was all over the day. For a start, my Hubby has Mondays off from field work and he works at home doing phone and office stuff, so I had the flexibility to just go with Girly Pie and not have to worry about who could watch my three boys, or about taking them along and dividing up the attention that I was sure a sad little girl would need fully. And from there, the little twists and turns of the day just led more and more directly to exactly where God knew we needed to go.
Our new insurance is apparently not accepted by our current doctor's office - a fact we just found out this morning when I called to find out if they could squeeze her in for a look. I have never much liked the whole office, and really the only reason we have remained is that it is only 25 minutes away and all the other docs are 40 minutes or more. But I always second guess their thoughts and we never have really been on the same wavelength. So I called my good friend E. who uses the same insurance and has always said wonderful things about their pediatrician. She quickly gave me the number, and off I drove with Girly Pie, waiting on hold on my cell as I headed that direction and going on faith that they would make room for her ASAP. Sure enough, even though the wonderful doc didn't have any openings until 5pm, they made room for Girly Pie right as we arrived at 10am. The new doc was WONDERFUL. I know that I would not have appreciated my old doc's advice as much as Dr. Wonderful's, and he was so sweet with Girly Pie, and so thorough with his exam. He was gentle with her and explained to me the severity of the injury.
Now I will pause in the story here to point out that Girly was not crying during all this time. The fall was minor, the bleeding had stopped, and aside from missing her morning nap, she was really not fazed at all by the whole ordeal of the actual injury. (another small miracle for the day!) So the doc told me all I needed to know, and said that since the cut was on the line between her actual lip and the skin below, and because it was so close to the crack where upper and lower lips meet, it was just a really hard place to stitch up. He saw she did indeed need stitches, but he knew his office was not equipped to do such a delicate job on such a small, and uncooperative, patient.
So we were sent to the Children's Hospital in Seattle, over an hour from our home. He said we could go to others nearer, but that Children’s would be the best equipped to do such a delicate procedure on one so young.
So off we went. Again, this doc's demeanor and his kindness and gentleness with both my girl and this worried momma were so comforting, and I really did trust his opinion. I really see God's hand in the insurance thing sending us away from our other office to this one.
So eventually (after so very much waiting and talking and looking and waiting…) Girly Pie was given a bit of a loopy drug, the name of which eludes me at the moment, to lessen her reaction to being messed with and to make her forget the whole ordeal when it was over. She was definitely happier after the drug - she had been horrified up to that point by anyone even looking at her or taking her pulse, let alone sticking needles in her face! But even with the happy juice, she fought like crazy when they tried to wrap her up in the blanket to do the procedure. She was numb and a little sedated, but still fully conscious - and fully ticked off to be so rudely messed with.
Poor thing.
So as if that wasn't bad enough, after I was finally able to hold her again and calm her down, while she was sucking on a popsicle BOTH of her stitches popped out.
So they had to do it AGAIN.
That is the point at which, as her Mommy, it really got hard for me. I had already told her we were all done, she was in my arms and ready to go. But that wound just opened right back up, and aside from just not wanting her to have a big scar on her face for the rest of her life, I just could not imagine how the healing process would go with such a big, floppy wound.
So I agreed to try it one more time, stating that if these new stitches failed that we were done and she was just meant to have a scar.
So they did it again. They used a heavier gauge suture, and did three stitches instead of two. And she fought even harder.
The hardest part for me though was not so much the fighting and crying. That was actually a good thing. I was glad to see her fighting and not just accepting such abuse. But when she plaintively called out "Mama! MAAAMAAA!" through that second procedure I just about lost it.
I just could not imagine how terrified she was in that moment, her head held down by strangers, bright lights in her face, her lip numb and her body reacting to a strange drug in her system that made her feel out of control. And when she called for the one person she trusts most in the world to help her - I couldn't. I couldn't help her, and I couldn’t stop the fear.
I just talked to her all through it and stroked and held what parts of her little body I could without disturbing the doctors, and I prayed like crazy. I prayed that God would give her peace and not let this be a scarring event in her life - emotionally, I mean. I could care less about the physical scar compared to that. And I prayed that she really would just forget the whole thing, and that it wouldn't be something that would really affect her as she grows.
So finally, long past when I ached to hold her, they finished the last stitch and I got to pick up my frightened, sweaty, exhausted little girl. And she really did calm down quickly. She did not like any of the hospital folks after that, though I can hardly blame her. But she was happy to be in my arms, and we went home shortly thereafter.
Girly Pie was asleep before we even got out of the parking lot, and slept like a rock for the whole hour + ride home. The poor girl had missed her usual naps and hadn't eaten since her very meager breakfast at 7:30 this morning. We left the ER at 3 in the afternoon.
But when she woke up, she was happy and snuggly and ready to get up and get to playing at home. She still wants to grab at her lip, which we of course are not supposed to let her do, but she is eating fine and as far as I can tell is not feeling any pain from the whole incident.
And though I can't tell for sure, I feel like my prayers really were answered, and Girly Pie seems to have forgotten the trauma of the ER today already. She has not been overly clingy or fearful, and she really has been her same old, adventurous self all evening. She has already given us several scares from climbing and trying to fall. I'm not super thrilled about the scares, but it's still a good sign that she's feeling like herself.
Sigh.
So that was my day. I had big plans for a mellow day at home, a bit of school and tidying up, maybe a trip to a park after her nap. But God had other plans for our day.
And really, aside from the pain of watching her through that second procedure as she called for me - and thinking about just how terrified and awful she was feeling in that moment - through the whole day I was so aware of God's gifts for the day. I never had those thoughts of "If only she hadn't fallen!" I was so focused on being thankful that God had everything under control. The day was crazy, there were such hard moments, and nothing went as smoothly as it could have. But the trouble with the doc's office ended up being a blessing. And the doc not being able to do the stitching was a blessing too. Can you imagine if they had tried in the office and failed? It would have been even more traumatic there, and then we would have had to go to the hospital in the end anyway, since the stitches clearly needed to be done in such a special way. And what if we had gone to our old doc and they had tried to do a less-than-the-best fix for her? I was just so thankful that God paved the whole day to get my girl, His girl, where she needed to go for the best care.
So today really was such a good reminder to me that stuff happens in life. There are no promises that we'll be protected from hardships. But God does make a way to get you through those hard times, and he makes sure you are carried safely to the other side.
Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him... (emphasis mine)
So today was a much needed perspective check, and I feel firmly kicked out of my little cave of worry over the things to come. I've been stuck here in neutral for a few weeks, wondering how to do all that I have to do, and feeling overwhelmed by all I feel I must do. But in all that, I lost sight of God's power to carry me through any hard times to come, and I lost focus on the gifts and blessings he has blessed me with along the way.
As our pastor recently said powerfully in a message about the young David in the Bible before he was king - I was like the other Israelites, focusing on the Giant - unlike David, who put his focus on the Giant Killer - God.
So today I am happily, joyfully, thankfully back where I belong. My eyes are on my Giant Killer. The giants of my life - the duties, the fears, the sensory disorders, the responsibilities, the worries of failing those I love the most – will no longer receive my utmost attention. God, the defender of us all, the slayer of all of life's Giants, is where my eyes are pointed once again.
And I never would have thought He would remind me of that simple truth by walking me through a day of trauma and pain in my baby girl's life. But He does indeed work in mysterious ways. And my baby is safe and happy and sleeping soundly in her bed.
I have nothing in the whole world to complain about. I have only thanks to give this night.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Grumpiness Update
Well I did indeed end up having a very nice time at the family gathering yesterday. The car ride was decent. The kids were happy and cooperative. My headache lingered but did lessen. And after a rather adrenaline-pumping experience of just barely making it back to the car in time for our ferry to board ( I actually threw kids in seats just in time to barely get in the driver seat and get the car in gear as I drove onto the ferry without anyone buckled! That's crazy for me!), my focus was back on the rush of life and not so much stuck in the doldrums. So that helped. ;o)
But the highlight of the day, the thing that helped it all to come back around so that I could really remember why I find so much joy in the work that I do and in the family that I work so very hard for, was in the hour I spent in a community pool at the beach house where the gathering was. All four of our kids wanted to go in, so my husband was not quite enough to keep them all in arm's reach (only one is really a swimmer, and even with life jackets, Goose is too scared to do any floating alone) which meant that I had to put on a swimsuit and join the crew.
I do like swimming, but I do not like cold. So to go into any body of water that is cooler than a bathtub is a bit of a bother to me. But my baby girl was so happy to go in the water, and those boys' smiles were so big, that I just couldn't say no. So once I was suited and in the pool, the fun really began.
Punky was a complete fish. Once he had on a snorkel, I was shocked to find that he can actually fully swim! He's built like a brick and sinks like a rock, so even with strokes and skills he has had a hard time in the past. But he was completely confident and capable yesterday. I was so proud of and happy for him. My boy is so big. Finny was thrilled to toodle around in his life jacket, and he even took it off towards the end and did great just paddling around with a floaty kickboard. He is clearly well on his way to swimming independence, too. Goose was so proud to be in the big pool. "Wook Mommy. I'm swimmin' in duh poow!" He was quite the cling-on with either my Hubby or myself, but he was so cute and thrilled to kick and "swim" all over the place.
And then there was Girly Pie. She's never been in a big pool before. I know she likes baths and the little blow up backyard pools we put out on hot days, but she can always touch the bottom in those situations. But that girl LOVES to swim! Her whole body squirmed and kicked with delight as we floated her around in the pool. She kicked enthusiastically, and seemed completely unfazed by any distance from us - we could hold her out at arm's length and she gladly just kicked away, enjoying the sensation of the water all around her. The smile on her face was so wide made it look as though her cheeks were literally ready to split apart! Her little face is burned in my mind in one of those never-to-be-forgotten memories.
I guess I've gotten a little overwhelmed lately by all that it takes to keep a larger family running - the laundry, the food planning and prep, the school planning, cleaning, organizing, not to mention disciplining and putting out the fires between my three busy boys right now. And the struggles with Finny's SPD are hard on me, too. I have been so busy pouring myself into getting on top of things with him, and keeping afloat in the sea of daily duties that I have lost the focus on the daily joys. And some days, I honestly don't seem to have time for the daily joys.
But yesterday, watching my baby girl light up with the new and wonderful experience of feeling weightless in a vast expanse of water was almost a spiritual experience for me. To see all my children so lit up by the joy of that hour in the pool did wonders for my heart.
Yes, there is a lot to do. And yes, there are times when I am doing so much "damage control" with one or another of my more demanding or needy children that I will miss out on the simpler and more enjoyable moments with them or the others.
But that's not all there is to it. And I do not want to get so caught up in the trials that I miss the rewards and the joys.
So today, thanks in part to an hour in a pool, and thanks in larger part to my Hubby who has blessed me today with a bit of a "day off" after I broke down and told him I was just overloaded and needed a chance to just rest and be off duty for some of today, I do feel much better.
Today I got to spend a few quiet moments with each of those whom I love so much. I slept in a bit and had a few quiet moments to read the Bible before I started my day. I had a bit of a quiet time with my Hubby. I sat and picked a few blackberries to munch with Girly Pie. I played Legos alone with Finny. I had a short but sweet snuggle with Goose after his rest. And though I have not had time yet with just Punky, I do plan to read a bit extra with him tonight in our time together at bedtime, so I can just enjoy that sweet big boy of mine. And we all ate lunch quietly together. And we all took a walk. And my Man made breakfast and brought home lunch and will help with dinner. My kids are enjoying the day of rest, and I am already feeling refreshed and ready to begin a new week.
So yesterday's big whine-fest was truly driven by a struggling heart and a tired and weak body that has been pushed past its limits for awhile. But today I feel the joy in this life God has blessed me with has been renewed. I feel better ready to handle the speed bumps on the road ahead.
I feel more like myself, in other words. Which is much better than this curmudgeon that seems to have taken over my body lately! ;o)
But the highlight of the day, the thing that helped it all to come back around so that I could really remember why I find so much joy in the work that I do and in the family that I work so very hard for, was in the hour I spent in a community pool at the beach house where the gathering was. All four of our kids wanted to go in, so my husband was not quite enough to keep them all in arm's reach (only one is really a swimmer, and even with life jackets, Goose is too scared to do any floating alone) which meant that I had to put on a swimsuit and join the crew.
I do like swimming, but I do not like cold. So to go into any body of water that is cooler than a bathtub is a bit of a bother to me. But my baby girl was so happy to go in the water, and those boys' smiles were so big, that I just couldn't say no. So once I was suited and in the pool, the fun really began.
Punky was a complete fish. Once he had on a snorkel, I was shocked to find that he can actually fully swim! He's built like a brick and sinks like a rock, so even with strokes and skills he has had a hard time in the past. But he was completely confident and capable yesterday. I was so proud of and happy for him. My boy is so big. Finny was thrilled to toodle around in his life jacket, and he even took it off towards the end and did great just paddling around with a floaty kickboard. He is clearly well on his way to swimming independence, too. Goose was so proud to be in the big pool. "Wook Mommy. I'm swimmin' in duh poow!" He was quite the cling-on with either my Hubby or myself, but he was so cute and thrilled to kick and "swim" all over the place.
And then there was Girly Pie. She's never been in a big pool before. I know she likes baths and the little blow up backyard pools we put out on hot days, but she can always touch the bottom in those situations. But that girl LOVES to swim! Her whole body squirmed and kicked with delight as we floated her around in the pool. She kicked enthusiastically, and seemed completely unfazed by any distance from us - we could hold her out at arm's length and she gladly just kicked away, enjoying the sensation of the water all around her. The smile on her face was so wide made it look as though her cheeks were literally ready to split apart! Her little face is burned in my mind in one of those never-to-be-forgotten memories.
I guess I've gotten a little overwhelmed lately by all that it takes to keep a larger family running - the laundry, the food planning and prep, the school planning, cleaning, organizing, not to mention disciplining and putting out the fires between my three busy boys right now. And the struggles with Finny's SPD are hard on me, too. I have been so busy pouring myself into getting on top of things with him, and keeping afloat in the sea of daily duties that I have lost the focus on the daily joys. And some days, I honestly don't seem to have time for the daily joys.
But yesterday, watching my baby girl light up with the new and wonderful experience of feeling weightless in a vast expanse of water was almost a spiritual experience for me. To see all my children so lit up by the joy of that hour in the pool did wonders for my heart.
Yes, there is a lot to do. And yes, there are times when I am doing so much "damage control" with one or another of my more demanding or needy children that I will miss out on the simpler and more enjoyable moments with them or the others.
But that's not all there is to it. And I do not want to get so caught up in the trials that I miss the rewards and the joys.
So today, thanks in part to an hour in a pool, and thanks in larger part to my Hubby who has blessed me today with a bit of a "day off" after I broke down and told him I was just overloaded and needed a chance to just rest and be off duty for some of today, I do feel much better.
Today I got to spend a few quiet moments with each of those whom I love so much. I slept in a bit and had a few quiet moments to read the Bible before I started my day. I had a bit of a quiet time with my Hubby. I sat and picked a few blackberries to munch with Girly Pie. I played Legos alone with Finny. I had a short but sweet snuggle with Goose after his rest. And though I have not had time yet with just Punky, I do plan to read a bit extra with him tonight in our time together at bedtime, so I can just enjoy that sweet big boy of mine. And we all ate lunch quietly together. And we all took a walk. And my Man made breakfast and brought home lunch and will help with dinner. My kids are enjoying the day of rest, and I am already feeling refreshed and ready to begin a new week.
So yesterday's big whine-fest was truly driven by a struggling heart and a tired and weak body that has been pushed past its limits for awhile. But today I feel the joy in this life God has blessed me with has been renewed. I feel better ready to handle the speed bumps on the road ahead.
I feel more like myself, in other words. Which is much better than this curmudgeon that seems to have taken over my body lately! ;o)
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Confessions of a grumpy Mommy
A headache. A 5am wake-up caused by a very cranky little girl (no - she didn't cause the headache, but I doubt she's helped much to relieve it). An uncooperative 5 year old with sensory issues that seem to be really making a star appearance this morning. A long car ride ahead with no hubby to enjoy it with. A ferry ride in addition to the car ride. Again, no one to help out with potty runs and the like on the ferry (I sure hope no one has to pee when someone else is asleep in the car...). All for a trip to a very un-baby-safe house on a beach with a bunch of family members - some of whom I enjoy, some I strain to be pleasant around. Four very excited - and very rambunctious - children. And a bad attitude that I just can't seem to shake this morning.
I know that there is plenty of opportunity for fun and for joy today. There will be swimming and pot-lucking. There will be beach combing and blackberry picking. There might even be kayaking and sea fishing. The kids will be happy and dirty and off-the-wall delighted with the entire day.
But all I want is a good book and a long nap.
Do you ever just have one of those days where it just takes a whole lot of effort to smile for anyone? Well, to be 100% honest, that's me today. I wish I could just get over it. But so far all me wishing is not actually making a dent in the little black cloud I seem to be wearing over my head right now.
Gee, I hope I can pull it together before we arrive at the family gathering so I don't look like a complete humbug. ;o) Even reading this I can see what a terrible grump and complainer I am being. But I'm stuck. It won't go away.
Right. Well. Off I go to load the car and pack lunches. Man I just hope that at the very least this headache would just vanish.
OK. I'm done complaining now. I'm sure I'll have a lovely day. Eventually. ;o)
I know that there is plenty of opportunity for fun and for joy today. There will be swimming and pot-lucking. There will be beach combing and blackberry picking. There might even be kayaking and sea fishing. The kids will be happy and dirty and off-the-wall delighted with the entire day.
But all I want is a good book and a long nap.
Do you ever just have one of those days where it just takes a whole lot of effort to smile for anyone? Well, to be 100% honest, that's me today. I wish I could just get over it. But so far all me wishing is not actually making a dent in the little black cloud I seem to be wearing over my head right now.
Gee, I hope I can pull it together before we arrive at the family gathering so I don't look like a complete humbug. ;o) Even reading this I can see what a terrible grump and complainer I am being. But I'm stuck. It won't go away.
Right. Well. Off I go to load the car and pack lunches. Man I just hope that at the very least this headache would just vanish.
OK. I'm done complaining now. I'm sure I'll have a lovely day. Eventually. ;o)
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